Am i being the unreasonable one here?

[littlestar]

I have known my boyfriend for a few months and we have been together almost 6 weeks.

 

Lately we've been having issues about spending time together and being in touch when we aren't together in person.

 

He works Monday to Friday 7.30am - 4pm and also Saturdays 7.30am - 12.30pm.

 

I understand he works long hours but for a relationship to work one has to spend time together and this is what we are feuding over.

 

We had spent a few late nights together on weeknights and he complained it was hard to get up in the mornings due to the early start, so we cut that out and only saw each other for a short time after work so he can have time to do his own thing and sleep early.

 

I was then looking forward to spending at least 1/2 a day or one day of the weekend together but he has other commitments to do - some volunteer work he has been involved with for some time and general cleaning and maintenance around his home. So weekends are out too. Leaving us little time together. Last weekend i really wanted time with him so we spent after work Saturday and also Sunday together (until about 6pm) and he whined the whole time about not being able to get things done and what a disaster his house is as he had spent so much time with me and hadn't been able to do things at home. We do sometimes spend his lunch break together and have a quick coffee/bite to eat where possible but it's not a long time.

 

Monday comes and there's no messages from him (unusual) as he always messages and no asking me to meet me for lunch, so in the afternoon i sent a text saying "Hope you're ok babe, haven't heard from you today, missing you xo" and he responds with "Trying to earn what i am getting paid for" i thought this was quite rude but i didn't say anything about it.

 

Anyway Tuesday he came over after work and spent about an hour with me and left. Wednesday i asked if he was coming over and he said he would for a couple of hours as he had a lot of volunteer work he had to do that night - so i thought i would spoil him and get him his favorite take out meal so he could take it home with him and eat so he wouldn't have to cook and can get right into his work he needed to do - well last minute he was a no show and messaged "have to many things to do will call you later" and he didn't. So i was left with a meal with meat in it which was no use for me as i'm vegetarian and now we're not talking as i told him he isn't putting enough effort into this relationship to spend time with me and see me. And he is sticking to his guns that he has other commitments...so i think its time for me to walk the other way

 

Does anyone think i am asking to much or being unreasonable here?

 

He has told me i need to be more fair and flexible - which i think i have been...been understanding about him having to leave me early after work and not being able to spend weekends. How much more flexible does he want?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...thanks in advance.

[ForumGuy]

Sounds like you are putting alot of thought into the relationship and he is putting in very little. A workaholic is hard to have a relationship with. I know, because I am one also and have been this guy a number of times. Unless I am completely head over heels about someone from the start, I don't even mess with relationships anymore because I don't want to put women through what this guy is doing to you. He is not into you enough to make the sacrifices required for a relationship to work.

[lavenderdove]

Different people have different ideas about what 'togetherness' and independence means... Some couples are happy spending every minute away from work together, and others want/need lots of independent time for them to do other things that are important to themselves as individuals.

 

So it sounds like he falls more into the 'individual' category where he wants more private time than you do. Some people would be happy with the amount of time he wants to spend with you, but you are not and want to be a couple who spends more time together.

 

It could be you are just incompatible on that front, or that he is at a stage in his life where he doesn't want the responsibility of being someone's BF because he has other things in his life he'd rather focus on.

 

It's not that he's wrong or you're wrong, it's just that you want different things right now and perhaps he's not ready to 'settle down' as much as you'd like and prefer a more loose dating relationship now rather than acting like a really settled couple who spends lots of time together.

 

So if you are truly unhappy and he is unwilling/unable to spend the amount of time with you you need to feel happy, then sadly you probably need to find someone who is more available to you than he is.

[littlestar]

Thanks for the advice. Might be time to let this one slide. Unfortunate as we both fell in love with each other - even before we got together and were at the friends stage.

[Batya33]

I don't think he works a lot. I worked far longer hours -and unpredictable hours as far as nights/weekends as did my husband when we were dating and we were long distance, too, for most of it and we both put in a lot of effort to see each other . I also did volunteer work once a week, had a social life and other responsibilities/commitments. I can relate to his need for enough sleep, but perhaps you can meet for a short time after work and end the evening by 8:30 or 9 and since he only works till around noon on Saturday he still has Sat. night and the rest of the weekend. I wouldn't be in a serious relationship unless we were seeing each other at least 2-3 times a week. But that's just me.

[Mercurial Girl]

I don't think he works long hours at all, but just for possible perspective from the boyfriends side: I feel like I need a lot of time to decompress and get ready for work the next day and plenty of time to unwind before bed to get a good sleep. If I'm hanging out with my boyfriend say from the time I get off work til 9pm, I get home at 9:30, have to run around getting everything ready for the next day i.e take the dogs for their walk, shower, tidy up, get lunch ready, maybe have dinner, get my equipment all lined up - and I'll be done by around 10:30 or 11. I need to be asleep by about 11, but wont be able to sleep for at least another hour so midnight rolls around and if I'm lucky I fall asleep right then, and get a grand total of 6 hours of sleep. That's best case scenario for me. What I prefer is to come home and unwind for an hour, give my sore feet a break, then take the dogs for a long walk, start dinner, watch a movie, shower, maybe read a book, yadayada....old maid stuff

 

My boyfriend, on the other hand, can lead a perfectly active social life after work - and he usually works way longer hours than me. I don't know how the guy does it. More than one night in a week with less than 7-8 hours of sleep and I feel like crawling into a cold dark place to hibernate for a few weeks hah.

 

Maybe it would help if you came to him on work nights? At least then he has more time not having to worry about commute, and if he's anything like me, can be home so he can prepare stuff for the night.

 

But first evaluate if this is really about his work and personality or if it may be just an excuse. He does after all have all Saturday evening and Sunday off.

[mhowe]

Sorry to say, he's just not a place in his life where he puts a relationship as a priority. Has really nothing to do with you. Find someone else who will be more responsive.

[Stay_home]

Part of being in a relationship is making time for your significant other, sometimes people forget that. This gets back into the whole looking into the mirror and really asking if a relationship is something that you have time for. Relationships require time and if you aren't ready to sacrifice your time, then you're not ready.

[DN]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I had a job where I started work at 6.30 a.m. and still managed to go out on some weeknights without falling asleep at work the next day.

[BEANANDBON]

I know that sounds harsh but that movie made sense. If he was really vested into the relationship he'd set aside time to spend with you. I think you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want or deserve. Why put so much in, when the other party is taking you for granted. You deserve better! When you decide that you do, someone worth while will come along.

[DylanNotorious]

I kinda had to laugh a bit, when I read his long hours were 7.30am - 4pm well sorry that's just a joke.

 

He's a wuss if he can't spend time with you and get up for work in the morning. I think that's just a big bunch of porkies. It just sounds like he's looking for something casual, and on his terms of course.