jumpman Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Hey everyone After abit of advice, I've been out of a long term relationship for about 8months and can say I am completely over her, I got messaging a girl on Facebook about a month ago I've known her mum and dad for along time and get on really well with them, me and their daughter were just having general chit chat but actually started getting on really well we arranged to meet lastweek and went to aquasprings and had a amazing time conversation flowing and we had a really good laugh, she messaged me after the date saying what a nice bloke I am and what a nice time she had, we then went for a walk a few nights ago and again had a lovely time, first girl I've had feelings for since my ex (who I was with for 7years) we are again going out 2nite for a meal and I'm taking her out on Saturday for a surprise day out, What does everyone think about the age gap though? She's been brought up well and has a mature head on her shoulders! Also as I'm new to all this dating stuff when do you fink I should make a move to kiss her etc or have the chat with her about getting together properly or should I just go with the flow! I don't wanna rush things but also don't wanna let it slip into being just mates? Any help or ideas would be great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Do her parents know that their acquantance has started dating their daughter? She is only 20, just starting out her adult life. You are well into your adult life. No, I don't think it is a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherR Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Could I ask what you are looking for at the moment? If it's a long term relationship I think the age gap will become a problem. I'm 31 and would expect to date someone of your age. I know it's different for guys but I wouldn't consider dating a guy who was at least 27/28 as they would be at a different stage in life to me and want different things. Is the girl at university/college? Will she be going back after the summer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Of my four daughters, my 24 y/o has had a boyfriend 16 years older than her for a couple of years now. After seeing her with a couple of big time losers previously, I am happy to see someone love her and take care of her the way this guy does. The age doesn't matter to me. They are very compatible and he treats her very well. When she was explaining it to me at first, she told me she was tired of guys her age only wanting sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpman Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Her parents do know that I've been taking her out, and as far as im awhere they are fine with it? I'm not really sure what I'm looking for at the moment I guess after coming out of a 7year relationship I'm in no rush just wanna go on adventures and dates with someone I get on with and see where it goes! She's also in a full time job which she said she loves and wouldn't wanna leave it also loves living where we live and wouldn't wanna move away, I think she's a very family orientated girl, her sister is a year or to older and is settled with a kid, and I think she would like that for herself from what we've said to each other! If I didn't no herbparents I probably wouldn't of been interested but as we have now met and get on so well it's abit confussing for me!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhonestanswer Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'm more interested in where you are in life, if you know what I mean, rather than what your ages are. For example, is she working, in a steady job, have a place to live etc? Or is she studying, hoping to spend time abroad, wanting to travel etc? There's a big difference dating a 20 year who has worked since high school, got a place of their own, and established life, versus someone who is still in school, having a crazy time, and hoping to travel a bit before chosing where to live. Does that makes sense? I have no objection to vastly differening ages, but I think the stage of life is very important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlestar Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Age is only a number and i wouldn't make an issue out of it. Sure there might be some stumbling blocks later on in life with the age gap should you choose to have a permanent long term relationship but if you love each other and are level headed and clear about what you both want and have good communication there's no reason you both can't work through it one step at a time. My boyfriend and I are 34 years apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I am of the opinion that 18-25 is a time of huge change for people, and who they are at 25 may be radically different than who they were when they were younger. So it is not wrong per se because she is officially an adult (or almost so because she will soon be 21), but she is essentially 'half-baked' as an adult at that age, so you run a risk that as she grows up more and gets more indepedent, you might be quite serious and she might decide you were great fun for awhile but she wants to go in a different direction (whether that is leave for college, move cross country to pursue some dream, develop a drinking or drug habit, turn into a clubbing and party girl, sober up and decide she got too serious too soon with you, date other guys to find out what she wants etc.). So it is a risk at best when you date someone her age. Another issue that happens is that what you may like is her youth and malleability, yet as she ages, she grows up and decides she doesn't want to be the 'younger' or more junior member of the couple under your thumb and itches to break free of you and your infatuation with her youth. So it is not impossible, but it can be problematic because a 13 year gap when she is only 20 is a large one because of the major life changes that happen at her age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turnera Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I agree with lavender. The brain doesn't stop developing mentally and physically until around age 25. What you KNOW you want at 20 can be radically different than what you want at 25 or 30. Of all the broken up relationships I've seen over the years I've been doing this, the #1 reason, overwhelmingly, has been that the (usually) girl decides at around 30 to 35 that she 'gave up' her fun in her 20s for the guy, and now needs to experience what she missed out on - and leaves you. Even when it was she who wanted the marriage in the first place. And she'll blame it all on the guy, lol. If you can casually date for the next 5 years, go for it. But odds are against you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lastcall23 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I'm more interested in where you are in life, if you know what I mean, rather than what your ages are. For example, is she working, in a steady job, have a place to live etc? Or is she studying, hoping to spend time abroad, wanting to travel etc? There's a big difference dating a 20 year who has worked since high school, got a place of their own, and established life, versus someone who is still in school, having a crazy time, and hoping to travel a bit before chosing where to live. Does that makes sense? I have no objection to vastly differening ages, but I think the stage of life is very important. I agree with myhonestanswer. I know that, comparatively, I am much more mature than a lot of my friends simply because I have had completely different life experiences up until this point of my life than they have. I am 23. Most of my friends have had or are in the process of having that college experience, whereas I got a full time job out of high school, moved out and into my own apartment, got engaged, broke up with him but kept doing things independently. I personally don't NEED a man in my life where a lot of my friends are serial daters. I think every relationship has to do with where each person is at in their lives and what they have gone through up until that point. I don't think age necessarily has to play the biggest role in that though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpman Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Thanks so much for your answers, means alot and I have spent all day reading over them, it's is still well early days yet, and not being big headed but i fink her parents like me because they no I'm not a nasty bloke, I work hard I've got my own house, I love my sport I dont really drink much, and I'm also a very trust worthy guy! I no her last boyfriend was same age as her and treated her like dirt and cheated on her and I had the same with my ex, I guess it is a risk because of the age difference but i Spose in love you take risks and even though I'm at age when I should be finking about settling down etc even if I spend the next 5 years happy with her and she does decide to leave at least I've been happy, I'm happy being single aswel but as you all know it is nice to do things and experience things with someone you care for! All i can do is take each day as it comes I guess, have a few more dates and then have THE chat with her,and see where things lie. And I'm sure in this world crazier and bigger age gaps have worked just fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danny77 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Been there and it doesn't really work out. They may seem very mature and together but deep down they are young and very stupid. It will manifest in some way. They take things for granted and will change their lives very quickly. That means letting you go at the drop of a hat. Were we all not the same when we were 20? Nothing in my life was so big that I couldn't drop it and go somewhere else. We were engaged, I was 32 she was 21! It was always on my mind that she was too young but she convinced me otherwise. I only wish I had have listened to my gut. If your gut is telling you anything, I advise you so strongly to act upon that feeling and nothing else. This is just the advise of a man with hindsight on a matter similar to yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 You say but then above you talk about love and taking risks and going out with someone you care for. Really, this has nothing to do with love and caring for someone...this has to do with wanting female companionship and sex for however long until you both go your separate ways, and since nobody else has come along yet, you are figuring you may as well settle for her since you already knew her from before and you know her parents. This is more about passing the time and having someone to do things with than about any kind of real future, potential love and a real solid relationship. She would be your "for now" gf until life takes you both in different directions. This would be your entrée back into the dating world post long-term relationship..and this would be her experiment with seeing what a much older man is like as a partner and lover. In other words, this is more of a proving ground for both of you rather than anything to do with long-term potential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Sounds like she would make good friend but not girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I've never met a 20 year old who didn't think they were more mature than their peers, and I never met an significantly older person who also wanted to believe the younger person was more mature than their peers. I know I've said this before, but I would never have been attracted to someone 33 when I was 20. I dated guys my own age. I remember when I lived overseas at 19 and an older professor would tell me how mature I was, and how I had so much to offer...even at the time I knew it was BS, because I considered myself a typical college student who still had a lot of growing up to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resilient7 Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 I've never met a 20 year old who didn't think they were more mature than their peers, and I never met an significantly older person who also wanted to believe the younger person was more mature than their peers. Ha,so true....My ex,18 at the time would tell me whenever I call her out on her immature behavior that her ex would tell her how very mature she was for her age (he was 23) I would respond with "than he must have been one helluva immature guy" either that or he just said it to try to keep her from leaving him.But I almost bought in whenever she would tell me how mature she was in comparison with other girls her age lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cmaj7th Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 This sounds like a bad idea to me. I know you aren't trying to rush into anything serious but you have to consider long term compatibility with someone 13 years younger than you. You should let her find a nice man her own age and you find a woman farther along in her life. I'm 20 and to repeat what other posters have said I tend to think I'm mature for my age. I support myself financially and have infinitely more responsibilities than most guys my age. With that said I'm very much a 20 year old. I am still hotheaded, drink too much on the weekends, make eyes for too many girls, fear commitment etc. Me and this girl aren't the same person, however, I do not believe that she has transcended her age by a great amount no matter how independent and mature she is. Your frontal lobe is still developing at age 20. 7 years ago she was 13! No matter how mature she is now you cannot over look the fact that she was a child only a few years ago. She's still new to the adult thing and thats okay, let her be with someone she can grow with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumpman Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Well just a little update for everyone that has commented and gave me such strong answers! It means alot, Well we had a few more dates and were getting on really well she'd always message me saying what a lovely night she had had and say how good we were together, then out the blue she kinda lost interest didn't message as much, so I asked her what was in her head as she's gone cold on me, and she said as well as we get on and as much as she likes me she thought she was ready to move onto next level with me but decided as she's only been out of a 4year relationship for about 7 months she's just not ready for another relationship even though she does like me! And I totally respect her and said I understand, it's a shame but better to happen now than 5 gets down the line like you have all said! So back to finding someone my own age I think, lol thanks again for all you answers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Yes, being fickle is the hallmark of someone that age... they are experimenting with life and who they want to be, so what they want can change from day to day... settling down with any one person (or settling on anything in life) is just not a high priority for them at this age... fun and excitement and change are at the forefront. Best of luck... you will find someone closer to your own age and with similar goals if you keep looking... better than wasting a lot of time with someone at that age who will most likely just jerk you around before leaving... at least she figured out that she's not ready for anything rather than dragging you into it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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