A question for the guys ...

[Tanzi]

This is something I've been meaning to ask for sometime and that, I guess, I have always been curious about since my husband left 4 years ago. When he left his very typical response was "its not you, its me" and "its not anything you have done" ... but how can I be sure of that? Could I have been doing something that eventually pushed him away? If so, its not something I would like to repeat.

 

So what I would like to know is what has a partner done to you that has pushed you away or eventually worn you out emotionally?

[banal]

I had one girlfriend (~2 year relationship) who told me her job was more important to her than our relationship, as she was thinking about moving for her career. Although I understood her perspective, and I supported her if she were going to move (which she didn't), her attitude sure as hell pushed me away emotionally, and from that point forward I had begun to check out of the relationship.

 

As you know, though, "it's not you, it's me" is almost always BS.

[guynextdoor]

An ex of mine I called it off and told her that line. She was a debbie downer and I couldn't deal with someone who I saw once or twice a week and was always down. I figure that was how she is and I have a choice to accept it or move on. I took the high road, we are still friends though.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Without knowing you, or him, or your dynamic, it's almost impossible to say. One thing is for certain. "Its not you, its me," is BS.

 

What do you think it was?

[shuttlefish]

I think that "it's not you it's me" is a legitimate thing. Though, "it's not me, it's you" is far more common.

[Tanzi]

Without knowing you, or him, or your dynamic, it's almost impossible to say. One thing is for certain. "Its not you, its me," is BS.

 

What do you think it was?

 

I think he couldn't handle family life. He is very highly strung and gets stressed at the smallest things. Having 3 children just about sent him over the edge and we were constantly treading on egg shells. I also think that the children, the house (which we were renovating) and his business meant that we had no time for each other ... he likes constant adoration! I'm sure that once the rot started to set in there must have been a number of things that I was doing that annoyed him and finally pushed him into the arms of another woman.

[vanle80]

That excuse is lame! It always does take two to tangle but don't beat yourself up for it. I think that he just wasn't ready for the whole commitment thing like my ex wasn't also. She blamed the majority of the divorce on my end and it hurt. But, you know what God always has an ultimate plan for everyone. You know the saying, " God does things in mysterious ways". Hope all will be better for you in the future! =)

[Tanzi]

Thank you. I am happy now. That was 4 years ago and I am in a new relationship now. As for my ex-husband, well, he left the woman he left me for, met someone else, got engaged after two weeks, moved in with her, left her a few months later and is now living with someone else. Have no idea if he is happy or not. Don't care! I hope you are in a better place too. Divorce is not a great thing to go through is it?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think he couldn't handle family life. He is very highly strung and gets stressed at the smallest things. Having 3 children just about sent him over the edge and we were constantly treading on egg shells. I also think that the children, the house (which we were renovating) and his business meant that we had no time for each other ... he likes constant adoration! I'm sure that once the rot started to set in there must have been a number of things that I was doing that annoyed him and finally pushed him into the arms of another woman.

 

Family life, well, it's definitely not for everybody. But I'm sure he knew that going in. No sympathy for him on that one. Kids. Been there. My alcoholic ex left 7 years ago and I've had our 2 kids full time ever since. I understand that stress. Were they his? Remodeling a house, I've read, is one of the leading causes of strife among couples. I read up on that because renovating has always been a side passion (and money maker) of mine and my ex hated it. Still, doesn't sound like your fault, though.

 

Owning a business, well, I've been part of a family business since I was born and I've done my best to distance myself from it since college and strike out on my own in different areas. The money can be good, but there are long hours and no end of details to attend to - that could be ultra frustrating to someone high strung, especially if he didn't know the depth of the commitment going in and then felt trapped once he was there. Again, that doesn't seem like your fault.

 

Having no time for each other, at least for me, is a tough one. And for him, if he required constant adoration, walking around among the other frustrations you listed with that tank always near empty is what I would consider to be a big issue - and one that may allow him to allow himself to wander into the arms of another woman when he otherwise wouldn't do such a thing. And once again, not your fault. I totally agree about the "rot" issue. Once it starts, it can be difficult, if not impossible to eradicate the cancer. Communication is the first weapon, but not everyone is up for that, especially if the damage is too extensive and they've already checked out.

 

If you're looking for something to hang your hat on and provide final closure, I would suggest this. Please don't flame me for the gross generalizations and don't think I'm criticizing you in any way. Here goes. Men aren't always the best at communicating or expressing their feelings. It's a common dynamic in relationships for the woman to kind of keep this side of things alive. To push for alone time. To air what needs to be talked about. If you wait for your guy to do it, well, you may wait a long time, or someday find him walking out the door saying "it's not you, it's me." Given your list of perceived relationship issues, mostly "boo hoo's" on his side, those are two what I would suggest you investigate and possibly step up if you deem necessary in the future. Either that, or be sure to find someone more easy going and less in need of "constant adoration." Your call on that one.

[Tanzi]

Thanks, oldenough. Yes the kids are all his. I did try hard to make time for us, I really did ... but his head was always in his laptop. I would suggest getting a babysitter and going out and he would be like "if you like". I would suggest going somewhere as a family but all it would take is one of the girls to get upset over something as silly as where they wanted to sit in the car and he would get angry, start shouting and the mood would go down hill from there. There was never much enthusiasm in any aspect tbh.

 

I don't need closure. I found that myself a long, long time ago. Still, divorce can knock your confidence and the last thing I want to do is make the same mistakes again, if, indeed, I did make any ;-).

[catfeeder]

A downslide can be a combo plate of being unhappy in the relationship and turning unmotivated to do anything about that to fix it. So when someone hasn't offered you any opportunity to improve what they no longer have the interest to improve, chances are they're willing to take that on the chin as their own fault.

 

You already know that you couldn't fix your marriage by yourself--so splitting hairs over what he meant by that is kind of beside the point.

 

If someone were to offer you a million dollars to avoid any of the mistakes you could identify in your own behavior, how much of that money could you win?

 

If you want to avoid those mistakes in the future, identify them and grow confident in your own ability to learn from them. This may not earn you a million dollars, but it will gain you confidence in your ability to be a fabulous partner in your next relationship.

[Tanzi]

Thank you catfeeder.

 

"unmotivated" ... that just about sums my ex-husband up perfectly!

 

I have identified the "weaknesses" in my behaviour (that I seem to have been left with since the breakdown of my marriage ... insecurity, trust) and I am trying really hard to work on them.