4 years. Should I ask for a break? What should I do?

[jkko]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, it was kind of love at first sight. He told me he loved me on the 2nd date and since then we've been inseparable. We lived together and on the second year when I was away in Asia, he cheated on me and I found out. We broke up because HE broke up with me when I didn't want to. I lost all dignity and confidence in myself. We broke up for 1/2 a year and he ended up coming back to me and chasing me. I was already dating someone else at the time and ended up breaking things up with this other person to get back with my boyfriend. The way he broke up with me was inhumane, and I feel like there are times when I feel scared that he could be that kind of person again.

 

Things were going so great since these past few months. Keep in mind he has some debt and right now I don't have a car so he has to drive me to work everyday and pick me up. He makes a good amount of money but since I work part time and go to school he has to take care of the both of us. He pays for everything but he never makes money an issue. I've been feeling like he doesn't care about me the same, and the things he used to think were cute about me annoy him so much. When we try to talk about something in a calm matter, one of us will blow up and start yelling causing the other person to yell back and occasionally slam things or we just end in silence and sit there for long periods of time. I've mentioned multiple times that I wanted to break up but never went through with it because I love him so much. I think that has made me less valuable and less respectable in his eyes.

 

I want him to want to be with me, he's said that it's not because of me. He feels like he doesn't have motivation and he's trying to work on it. He feels like he works really hard and when he gets home he just wants to relax instead of arguing. Get this though, he knows me inside and out, every frown I make he'll catch it and ask me, "what's wrong?" and I'll say "nothing" because I don't want to argue. He'll ask and I'll finally tell him but he gets so agitated and then says "I didn't want the night to go like this." THEN WHY ASK ME... why ask? he says because he cares, but you don't care enough to talk to me ab out it. This happens almost every other day.

 

Am i doing something wrong? Do we need a break? I don't know if I have the courage to do anything. Please help me if you can.

[Princess123]

My thoughts are if you have one bit of doubt or thought on breaking up with someone you should do it. Why? If you cared and loved this person there wouldn't be a doubt, vice versa with him. If he cared and loved you then he would of been faithful.

[jkko]

My thoughts are if you have one bit of doubt or thought on breaking up with someone you should do it. Why? If you cared and loved this person there wouldn't be a doubt, vice versa with him. If he cared and loved you then he would of been faithful.

 

I don't really agree with what you say though, because doubt is how you feel about certain situations in life. You don't know if you can pull through but you really want to. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it'll work. I know he's cheated and i'm not trying to make an excuse but he has not cheated since and that's not why I'm asking for advice. I'm sorry though, I'm not trying to be an a-hole with my response, but the cheating thing took a toll on us and we resolved it. Doubt on the other hand is normal in my opinion.

[Vinkara]

Sure, there are things you could do differently, the question is - do you want to? Or is your mind already set on a break?

 

I mean, it could be that the whole thing is just not working for both of you, but it is also likely that the two of you are simply under stress and don't know how to handle it while staying in the relationship. If something is bothering you about your boyfriend or your life, you should tell him so in a non-blaming way. It seems like he has a tendency to feel responsible for your problems - could it be related to a corresponding tendency in you to see him as a Superman who can get rid of all of them? In that case, you add to each other's stress.

 

And what is it exactly that triggers the arguments? What specifically are you trying to talk about?

[jkko]

I don't want a break or break up but when we arguing and so heated he won't let me step outside to cool down. I need space, I need to calm down at times and I'm almost in this kind of rage. There are times where I push him because he doesn't understand that I hate being caged up in a room when I'm so angry. That's when I tell him I want to break up because at that very moment all I can feel is anger, it's really scary coming down from the anger and seeing how angry I was. I have never been angry in that way other then when him and I argue. I'm not going to lie, I'm not an easy girlfriend to deal with. I complain about a lot of things without knowing I'm complaining about it.

 

For example: we argued yesterday because he had to pick up something at his coworkers house and they were talking and his coworker asked him to come out on friday and party "with the boys." I asked him in a joking way "are you goingg?" and he laughed and said no, but I pushed it. "Do you wannna go????" and he paused for a few seconds and he said no. and i just got quiet and didn't say anything after that until we got home and he kept asking me what was wrong. I told him and he got so annoyed and we ended up arguing. Small things like that and mostly it's just him noticing my mood changes. I'm very VERY sensitive to anything and he always says I assume.

 

I've been trying to work on it, but I don't know when we will be able to get back to before. I don't want my relationship with him to end up being bitter and unhappy that's why I'm thinking about a break. It's worked before for us so it might work again. In the end I want it to work.

 

Thank you for responding, i really appreciate it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The way he broke up with me was inhumane, and I feel like there are times when I feel scared that he could be that kind of person again.

 

Just needed to put this into a little perspective. He dumped you and you feel how he did it was inhumane. By the same token, you started dating someone else long before you were ready to move on, and the minute your ex came back, you jumped at the chance to be with him, dumping your new guy. I can pretty much bet that the other guy felt the way you dumped him was inhumane and probably felt used as a rebound. So I wouldn't be too quick to cast stones at your ex when you yourself did not think twice about dumping the new guy for your ex.

 

Is he stressed about work and finances? That could put a strain on the relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A break does not fix the inherent problems in the relationship. Once you get back together the problems come back. If you don't work on changing how you react to things then no matter how many times you take a break, the problems will remain.

[Kitkat973]

To me it sounds like the conflicts that you're having currently are ones that can be addressed, but it's the issues in the past that are the real problem. Have you talked about the doubts that you still have because of how you broke up before?

[Vinkara]

I'm sorry, jkko, but I don't understand your silence after the incident. What did you think was wrong? To me it seems like he just chose to spend a Friday night with you, but that's obviously not what you heard.

 

The other posters are right. Your break up was horrible, and until you assimilate that into your system, so to speak, your boyfriend will remain the painful reminder. It will always seem to you he is about to do the same thing. You are not even sure what kind of person he really is.

 

I don't know your boyfriend and therefore cannot advise, but I see major insecurity in the relationship on your part. It is very, very understandable, and I hope you know that. You are right in having your doubts. What you could do now is make working on your issues your first priority, and leave the relationship in peace for a few weeks. Also, ask yourself - why are you so keen on keeping this relationship in your life? You've been together for four years, but do you even trust him? If not, why do you want him? Why do you want a boyfriend who victimized you like that? And so on. Be strong, girl!