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Personality "quirk"... accept in silence or bring it up?


annony

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There is one thing about my boyfriend that bothers me, and it's not even something that has to do with me.

When he is grumpy, he is miserable. He makes no effort to hide, or suppress his mood.

He is short, snappy, and generally not fun and uncomfortable to be around if anything (anything!) is bothering him. The things that get to him are usually work related. If he is hungry, forget talking to him at all, it's impossible.

I have bad moods too, but I try to go out of my way to make sure they don't affect those that I love, sometimes I resent that he doesn't do the same. However, another part of me feels that he has the right to be a grouch if he's not feeling well, and that I should just try my best to avoid him (which has on at least one occasion resulted in cancelling plans we had due to his mood being too upsetting for me)

I have been telling myself that I need to find a way of dealing with my own feelings on the matter, and not bring it up (which would probably upset him) but I'm getting frustrated.

Last night I called and he was very abrupt with me, due to him feeling hungry and stressed because he had an extra meeting to go to that meant he would miss supper. He was rude to me on the phone, even though none of this was my fault. Due to his rudeness I asked him what was bothering him, and he explained that he was hungry and wasn't looking forward to the meeting. I then said "I'm sorry..." and he barked "Why are you sorry!? This isn't your fault!" His tone was very aggressive, and he seemed to not understand why I felt the need to say that.

Long question short...is sucking it up a better route than bringing it up?

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Oh, and he has on occasion sent "I'm sorry I was short with you" texts after a phone call like that, so he is aware. When he sends a text like that I usually reply with something like "That's ok, I'm sorry you are having a hard day"

I'm getting the impression that my acceptance of it is leading him to believe I'm Ok with it. In an ideal world he wouldn't snap at me for his work stress at all.

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I don't know . . .

 

I'm all for being able to be yourself in a relationship, but I'm also all for treating your partner with some consideration.

 

I would probably say something, if I was in your place. Perhaps there is a solution that may be reached. (Just don't bring it up when he's in a "grumpy" mood! )

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A relationship that will work is one where you can truly be yourself and no one judges you for it. If he can't be grumpy around you, who can he be grumpy with? Those kind of things are what a relationship is all about.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

If you're in a relationship, he's supposed to be able to be himself. You can bring it up. He might make some changes, for your sake. But unless the changes are coming from him on the inside, what you see is pretty much what you get.

 

The realer question is: How well can you see yourself tolerating this unattractive quality?

 

If the relationship is otherwise good or worth it, then trudge on. But, if it's getting too much for you, leave. That's who he is. "Take it or leave it" is what it comes down to.

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Some people are just like that. I personally couldn't be around someone like that because I think it would affect my mood too much. But like someone said, if its good otherwise and your willing to deal with it, then stick it out. From the sounds of it, he is not willing to change.

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When you say he's rude to you on the phone, do you mean directly insulting in the sense of calling you names, or is he just abrupt and behaving like an old git?

 

If he's insulting or abusive, then be very wary.

 

If he's just being an old git, and it's his tone which is bothering you rather than what he's actually saying, then just let it float straight past you and let it be HIS problem. Some people can just be grumpy old sods at times, and that's just them expressing how they're feeling at that moment. My partner can be like this, but this is counterbalanced by him expressing deep feelings of caring and vulnerability at other times; it's just him being his true, unvarnished self. For better or for worse.

 

But there's a difference between someone being in a bad mood and expressing it in their tone and language, and someone who actively uses you as a scapegoat and takes it out on you. You need to be clear in your own mind which category your fella falls into, and then act accordingly.

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OMG! My boyfriend is the exact same way but maybe even worse! He just has this way of bringing me down when he's mad or down or frustrated with something. and I keep telling him, there's a better way to let out your frustrations so you don't make other people feel bad while doing it. But I don't think he gets it.

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I think we need to know how often this happens. If he has a bad day once a week because of a job that makes him feel crappy, he has every right to be a grouch! We ALL snap sometimes, I'm sure even you snap at him sometimes. BUT... Is this every day? Every other day? if so, he needs to know how you feel. Straight up tell him, "when I say I'm sorry you are having a bad day, I mean it. I don't appreciate being treated disrespectfully when I'm only trying to be empathetic." let him know you are there for him through thick and thin, but it would make you more comfortable and happier if he tried to stop lashing out at you.

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I was wondering about how often this is as well. Keep in mind that since a lot of guys don't deal with PMS, they may not be fully aware of how much their mood swings can affect things (while growing up I remember women always being asked if it was that 'time' again if they were mad, for whatever reason...So we just dealt with our anger constructively/buried it or else be accused of being overly emotional.)

 

Also how patient is he with you when you're in a crabby mood? How often is this snapping? The apology is good, just make sure to acknowledge it/look for it rather than dismissing it or else he might stop apologizing and just keep the behavior.

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I was wondering about how often this is as well. Keep in mind that since a lot of guys don't deal with PMS, they may not be fully aware of how much their mood swings can affect things (while growing up I remember women always being asked if it was that 'time' again if they were mad, for whatever reason...So we just dealt with our anger constructively/buried it or else be accused of being overly emotional.)

 

Also how patient is he with you when you're in a crabby mood? How often is this snapping? The apology is good, just make sure to acknowledge it/look for it rather than dismissing it or else he might stop apologizing and just keep the behavior.

 

Apologies are definitely good, but after repeated behavior that doesnt change (for the better) apologies can be - or at least feel - automatic and emotionless. I've heard "I'm sorry" so many times from my husband that it's pretty difficult to believe these days.

 

Depends on the person though, of course.

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I then said "I'm sorry..." and he barked "Why are you sorry!? This isn't your fault!" His tone was very aggressive, and he seemed to not understand why I felt the need to say that.

 

This would be a dealbreaker for me. It's one thing to be in a bad mood, it's another to start turning on someone who is simply sympathizing. I also think that while we all get moody, the things he's reacting to (a meeting he doesn't want to go to, not getting to eat on time) are really minor. If he gets this nutty when he doesn't eat, then perhaps he needs to be better prepared and carry some snacks with him. These are just little things in life that shouldn't be causing a complete mood change, in my opinion.

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I was wondering about how often this is as well. Keep in mind that since a lot of guys don't deal with PMS, they may not be fully aware of how much their mood swings can affect things (while growing up I remember women always being asked if it was that 'time' again if they were mad, for whatever reason...So we just dealt with our anger constructively/buried it or else be accused of being overly emotional.)

 

Also how patient is he with you when you're in a crabby mood? How often is this snapping? The apology is good, just make sure to acknowledge it/look for it rather than dismissing it or else he might stop apologizing and just keep the behavior.

It's every other day these days. I get grumpy too, but I like to think you'd never know unless I told you. I try hard not to let it upset anyone else. I find I feel much better if I can just not think about the thing that was making me grumpy, and enjoy spending time with others. He doesn't do this. He lets the thing that's bugging him take over everything else, and it is impossible to have fun if anything is wrong. I agree that the things bugging him seem minor. Things like this happen often (such is life!) as a result he is in a bad mood often.

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It's every other day these days. I get grumpy too, but I like to think you'd never know unless I told you. I try hard not to let it upset anyone else. I find I feel much better if I can just not think about the thing that was making me grumpy, and enjoy spending time with others. He doesn't do this. He lets the thing that's bugging him take over everything else, and it is impossible to have fun if anything is wrong. I agree that the things bugging him seem minor. Things like this happen often (such is life!) as a result he is in a bad mood often.

 

Did you try the approach in my post? The approach to talking to him, I mean. He definitely needs to hear how you feel, that's for sure - and soon.

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