What to expect when just dating

[givinggirl]

Whenever I've dated, it's always been exclusive. There was never a talk, we would just spend a lot of time together and that's just how it was. We were bf/gf and everyone just knew it. I've never dated multiple guys at the same time. There is this guy and it isn't like all the other times. I don't know how to just date. Would you guys give me some helpful hints on do's and dont's, what kinds of things I should stay away from, what kinds of expectations I should have, boundaries, etc? I just have no clue how to date in a more relaxed fashion and not immediately be exclusive. I do like this guy, so I want to give it a try.

[DylanNotorious]

Ok start dating a guy. And keep dating him. But you know when it gets to that "point" that the calling and texting gets less frequent, your not hanging out as much with him - then that's the time to kinda fish around the pool for another potential suiter.

 

If the first one your dating is always consistant and always communicates with you and always wants to see you than great. Not every guy is going to be like that, for he may himself be dating others.

 

So if the first guy gets distant, that's when you start looking around for another guy (but you keep the first guy aswell lol)

And I think if you are asked if you are dating others, you should say yes. If the first guy dosn't like it or whatever then he will just have to step up to the plate now won't he! Plus, if this all seems too complicated it probably is, but they say don't put all your eggs in one basket and just go out there and have fun. (not that kinda fun!)

[oldenoughtoknow]

If you've never been into casual dating, there's probably a reason for it. Many people are only looking for a relationship and don't enjoy the complications of juggling multiple people in their little black book. There's nothing wrong with that - it's who you are. If this guy wants to just casually date you, but you really like him, this sounds like a train wreck in the making. It doesn't sound like you're willing to move on, so all I can say is proceed with caution.

[givinggirl]

If you've never been into casual dating, there's probably a reason for it. Many people are only looking for a relationship and don't enjoy the complications of juggling multiple people in their little black book. There's nothing wrong with that - it's who you are. If this guy wants to just casually date you, but you really like him, this sounds like a train wreck in the making. It doesn't sound like you're willing to move on, so all I can say is proceed with caution.

 

What do you mean by "It doesn't sound like you're willing to move on"? Move on from what? I don't know if he wants to just casually date me or if he wants to date as in a relationship. He's a guy who's been known to do both. It's very new and I'm kinda trying to just go with the flow right now.

[Batya33]

When I casually dated, 99% of the time it was to get to know the person to see if there was potential for exclusivity. And, especially after age 30, there was no way I was putting all my (aging) eggs in one basket by dating only one person at a time - I closed off other options only when things got serious with someone and we decided to be exclusive. One thing I did -I didn't kiss and tell -I didn't talk about the other men I was dating (not his business) and if he asked me out for a night on which I already had a date I said I was busy and if pressed said that I was going out with friends. If he asked me if I was seeing other people I said yes if that was the case but no more information. I didn't sleep with more than one person at a time. I tried not to get too attached too early on so that I could get to know different people in my search for the right match.

 

My husband and I were exclusive right away because we had dated in the past. The first time we dated I believe we were exclusive within about a month of our first date.

[givinggirl]

When I casually dated, 99% of the time it was to get to know the person to see if there was potential for exclusivity.

 

We already know each other pretty well. I've known him for 8 years. He lived accross the street from me when I was living with my ex-bf. We've been in contact for the last 3 years pretty regularly through FB, texting and seeing each other at parties. So, it's not dating to get to know him, which may be what makes this seem complicated to me. I used to be pretty frank with him, I had no problems telling him what I was thinking about anything. Now, since things are changing, I just feel like I don't know how I should act. I used to message him whenever I felt like it and now I'm worried that I'm doing too much or too little. I want to tell him what is going through my head (like I normally would), but now I don't want it to seem like I'm doing too much, too fast. Does that make any sense?

[oldenoughtoknow]

What do you mean by "It doesn't sound like you're willing to move on"? Move on from what? I don't know if he wants to just casually date me or if he wants to date as in a relationship. He's a guy who's been known to do both. It's very new and I'm kinda trying to just go with the flow right now.

 

I was referring to these comments in your post. "I've never dated multiple guys at the same time. There is this guy and it isn't like all the other times. I don't know how to just date." "I do like this guy, so I want to give it a try."

 

You're asking what you should do so you can match his needs, even if his needs are to only casually date. Given your history, casual dating doesn't seem to be what you want. I have to ask, isn't what you want important in any of this?

 

So, being that you want to proceed with this anyway, and given your statement "I just have no clue how to date in a more relaxed fashion and not immediately be exclusive," I was just advising you to be careful. Given your history, you may find yourself in a situation where you're going to fast. Don't give your heart to him until you're sure he wants more than something casual.

[givinggirl]

I understand what you are saying. I don't feel I ever really made the decision to casually date or not. It was never the option on the table, nor ever in my vocabulary. That doesn't mean it wouldn't work for me and I won't know until I try it. I don't really know what his intentions are. I know he is capable of both. As for me, I've been doing a lot of soul searching this year. You know how the saying goes, if you keep doing things the same way and keep getting the same results, then you may want to change how you do things to achieve different results. Basically, none of my relationships were very good. So, maybe not getting too involved too quick would be a way to change my results. Plus, he's already a friend, so starting casual may be a smart way to begin. I'm pretty sure I'm over-complicating this, but this is all new territory for me and it makes me nervous.

[Batya33]

I think dating someone with potential for a relationship is very different from being friends (or can be) so I think there still should be a getting to know you phase. If he is asking you on dates and you are going on dates then I would stop sharing every little detail of your day with him when you're not with him in person or not on the phone with him - cut down on the messaging/texting or else it will feel too much like "buddies" since that what you did before. If you're not going on dates yet then since you know him so well you can ask him out on a date. When my husband and I made the transition from friends to couple it took about three weeks before he asked whether I wanted to get back together with him. During those three weeks I let him do more of the emailing (although I probably emailed too much) and he planned our evenings out (they weren't dates - they were supposed to be platonic -and they were - but sparks definitely were flying!).

[givinggirl]

The bolded part sounds just like us. We kept saying we'd just be friends, but who were we kidding. He asked me to dinner last Friday, which I went thinking just friends, we had a great time. It ended like a date, so I will consider it a date. Saturday, he made sure to be where I was going to be amongst our friends. He wasn't all over me at all, in fact, I'm sure no one else noticed his subtle gestures. I think he probably wasn't sure how to act either. I was mostly with the girls and he was with the guys, so not too much interaction. He greeted me like normal, a big hug and kiss on cheek, briefly held my hand a couple times throughout the evening, and kissed my forehead when he left and said he'd call me. Later, he text me to make sure I was home safe. Sunday, he invited me out for a ride on his jetski for about an hour. Tonight we were supposed to get together, but the timing didn't quite work. I've tried initiating things a little, but I get the feeling he wants to be the one to initiate, so I'm going to let him. I have been watching myself with texting. I used to just text whenever something popped in my head and now I'm stopping myself from that as much as I can. Thanks, I feel a little better about this.

[RitaTrue]

1. DO be honest that you're dating other people, IF they ask.

2. DO give each one a chance, despite favoritism.

3. DO take time to just be by yourself, FOR yourself (dating more than one guy at a time can get tiring, lol)

4. DO remind yourself that you're a free, single woman

5. DO keep in mind that he's likely seeing other women, besides you.

6. DO be true to yourself.

7. DO cut the guy loose if you lose attraction.

[givinggirl]

Thank you RitaTrue!

[Batya33]

Sounds good and also fun! Interestingly my husband was given the advice not to tell me he wanted more than friendship until after he planned to (he brought it up on our third platonic night - in part because he knew he'd be leaving town a few weeks later). I was glad he did because I probably wasn't going to say anything that intense, yet, and I was keeping my options open as far as meeting other people so who knows. The major difference though is that we never said we'd just be friends -when we reconnected and had those platonic evenings nothing was said until that third night - we talked about our past relationships, he expressed his interest in getting out there again (since he had recently ended a relationship) but our first talk about "us" was when he asked me if I wanted to get back together with him.