My neverending cycle of acceptance and denial... Help!

[lemsip]

Hi guys, I try to gain as much info as I can from other threads etc... try not to make many new ones myself. But was just hoping for some quick thoughts and encouragement today as I feel kinda cr*p.

 

It's been 2 months since my BU of 8 years with my fiancee. She immediately started seeing someone new and we're in the process of selling our house. My head has been up my ass but I guess I am getting better, very slowly mind you.

 

I know people talk about the process not being linear, but has anyone experience of going from complete acceptance back to complete denial on a regular basis? Just when I think I'm moving on I get an email from her about the house or something and I say to myself "this can't be happening, this can't be happening" and I have the sudden urge to start bargaining with her again. It's ridiculous. I want to email her right now and ask her to reconsider our relationship, even though I know there's too much hurt on my end now. It would never be the same again anyway. Plus, I seem to forget she basically screwed me over with this new guy!

 

Nearly all her emails etc end with the line "hope you're doing OK". How does she think I'm doing?! I'm trying to remain as emotionless and civil as I can be. As much as I want to tear into her I won't.

 

What is going on in my head?!

 

Is it contact (of any description) that is causing this?

 

Will my healing not properly begin until we sell the house? What if it doesn't sell? I can't keep going back and forward back and forward in a neverending cycle of acceptance and denial.

 

Thanks everyone for their support so far through all this...

[mhowe]

yes, part of it is the contact. Another part is the amount of time you were together, and she was your fiance. Lots of factors piled up on the difficulty scale. But, no --- while the process is not linear, and you might cycle a few times, the length of the cycle becomes much, much faster, and you in a bit (I daresay even now) you won't go all the way back to denial...you really aren't in denial about all this....you are already starting at angry!! Next come numb.

[lemsip]

I just know if we didn't own this house it would be so, so much easier to let go and move on. But we do, and there's nothing I can do about that. It just tears me up inside every time I get an email from her. I'm fully OK with NC now, it's what I want. But I can't have it!

 

It hurts that she seems so blasé and casual about the whole process in her emails to me, but I guess I need to remember this may be a front too.

 

She's not coming back. And for me it's probably best that she doesn't come back. I just wish my heart would realise and accept this simple fact!

 

EDIT: I guess 2 months is still nothing in terms of healing time though is it? We had 4 months of being "on a break" but that doesn't count as I thought we'd get back together.

[mhowe]

okay, I was wrong; you are still in denial. Her casual tone about the process is not a front --- she has moved on. She's not coming back. It's not probably best, it is best for you that she doesn't --- you can't trust her anymore. And without trust, there is no foundation for a relationship.

 

Having the house is a stumbling block that you just need to put behind you -- -and I know it is easier said than done.

[Deciduous]

Hi lemsip,

 

HeII Yeah! During the first 3, 4-5 months of a major, major break-up I can zing back and forth through Denial, Pleading, Sorrow, Utter Rage and then Acceptance then back to denial again.

 

Then its Sorrow, Rage, Acceptance. Then its Rage and Acceptance. Then Acceptance. Eight weeks in and its not surprising you are whizzing through the full strata and back again.

 

Don't be so rough on yourself. It was an 8 year relationship. Of course its going to smack you around. BIG TIME! Of course you are gonna keep cycling back into denial. The psyche is trying to protect you and take a break for a moment to catch it's breath for the next round. This is pretty normal.

 

As painful and as wrong as your emotions feel they are trying to process everything in the best way they know how. Let 'em roll.

 

It's like riding a major wave. Resist it and it will eventually crash down and try and drown you. I usually try and roll with 'em. You will survive them. Nothing wrong with you. I've been known to pop off to the Ladies (washroom) and sob to let it out. Then back to my desk, feeling a hell of a lot better.

 

What-ever gets you through, man. No-one does heartbreak with style and a 'little flair of class,' so don't even put that kind of pressure on yourself.

 

It is what it is. Ya feel what ya feel. We have all been there and it is survival game. The only game in town is to hold on until you finally make it from one side to the other. All it is. That much I do know.

 

Keep going. All the best to you

 

 

Deci

[mhowe]

Those are good words D

[lemsip]

Thanks guys. I guess right now it's the chemical addiction aspect of my my brain wanting that fix from my ex...

 

Deep down I know it wouldn't work.

 

We've grown apart with our long-term aspirations. She and I travelled the world but now she wants to fully settle. Travelling for her was something she did to enjoy herself when she was young, but now I guess she feels it's time to 'settle down and grow up'. I still have a yearning to see the world while she wants kids. Her clock is ticking

 

I would like a family too, but I feel now I'm just not ready. Maybe in a few years. I feel tremendous guilt about that. I feel selfish. But I felt it was better to be honest with her. Our views about life changed: and I need someone who feels like I do, see as much of this planet before you die. Live!

 

I guess in the end it felt like I had to choose between 1) my girlfriend and 2) planet earth. I felt trapped. She felt trapped. It all turned into a bit of a mess.

 

She made the decision and ended it. She says she wants someone who is on her wavelength from the start.

 

My biggest regret is we didn't communicate at the end. She just made the decision and that was that. I feel we could have worked it out, both got what we wanted in life etc. But I guess if her heart wasn't with me anymore there was nothing I could do.

 

One day accept it has happened, the next I'm in denial hoping she'll come back and we can work it out.

[italiannmf24]

Hello lemsip.

 

It seems as though your story has been thrown around here and there and it looks as though you could use some words of encouragement. It's at life's hardest and most wrenching moments that one realizes his or her true self and learns thoroughly that he or she can live on their own. Everyone knows, that in order to truly take experience from a situation, there must be some sort of sacrifice or maybe some type of hurt that is involved in order to start seeing clearly.

 

Personal experience is probably one of the most influential parts of your life and understanding that specific circumstances will only strengthen you is the start to the healing process. When I talk about personal experience, I mean heartache, break-ups, divorces, etc. and these things, unfortunately, happen quite frequently. True strength is shown through actions, not words; show your strength and regain your life back.

 

Allow me to explain...

 

It's perfectly understandable that you want to e-mail your ex and tell her how much you miss her, need her, and want her back in your life. Yet, these actions are not showing her that you're able to live a life independently and successfully without her. Every time she e-mails you concerning the house, belongings, and anything that is NOT personal, you immediately think that she's trying to reach out to you. That, also, is understandable. But when you allow yourself to let your emotions take over and constantly think of her, you're only delaying the healing that you deserve right now. In order to change your mindset, you need to first change your attitude and only then can you really start seeing improvements within yourself.

 

Just by seeing her e-mail pop up and knowing that she's messaging your is slowing down your healing because you're allowing it too. You need to be in a mindset like this, "If she e-mails me about the house, she's only trying to work on getting it sold, so I shouldn't overanalyze everything she has to say." Then once you've learned that she's not trying to get your attention by e-mailing you, you'll be able to see slow results and not take every word she says to heart. I know, this mindset is almost impossible to imply and literally heart wrenching to even think about right now, but making small efforts like changing your attitude will get you much further than you think.

 

So, I'd imagine that after 8 years together, you feel like you've fallen into a routine with this woman and there is no other. Well, you're wrong. There are plenty of other women out there that won't leave you the way that she did. I'm not saying pursue every woman that you find suitable, I'm just explaining that other than this woman, there are many others that are willing to share the love that you held so true to yourself. I've seen a man that was married for 11 years and she ended up walking out on him, only to take his kids and lead him on for months at a time saying that she's "unsure" about her feelings towards him. He, being the intelligent and sensible man that he is, learned from his mistakes and finally said enough is enough and pushed past his emotions only to gain self-happiness in the end. Along his hardships, he eventually learned how to live independently and successfully without his ex-wife by his side. This process, although possibly one of the hardest in life, is so memorable that you couldn't forget it in a 1000 years.

 

Once the house as been sold, you both have your belongings and everything is completely finished between you two, that's most likely when the true healing will begin. Then you can start self-improving, working on yourself and basically re-create your life. You've been given time to work on your life, my friend, and utilizing that time is absolutely crucial in preparing yourself for any type of future relationships and basically for your personal future overall.

 

I, like yourself, was given time to work on the aspects of my life that I thought really needed to be improved. I used every second of that time to work on my physical, spiritual and mental features in order to design a better-rounded life for me. At first, I was depressed that I was given this "time" to work on myself but then I realized that I had been rewarded with this present and started to really grasp the idea of envisioning a better future. I allowed pain to come and go, I went through the emotions each and everyday and I always kept a close eye on myself in order to keep everything in line.

 

The time I used in order to work on myself through this process was life changing and it always will be.

 

Start doing things for you, really. You'll understand at some point down the line that what she did to you will only strengthen your will and motivation to become a better person.

 

Don't allow her to control your emotions, that's your job.

 

Stay strong,

Italiannmf24

[Eocsor]

Doesn't matter what you did or didnt do anymore. So let the regret go. Even when two people are head over heals in love and running towards each other at full speed, the odds are about 50\50 the relationship will succeed. You gave it your best shot and thats all anyone can do. You'll cycle through the stages of grief for a time yet. I hate to say it but full recovery from a relationship that significant takes a long time. About 18 months to two years seems to be average. One study in Great Britain found the average time to recovery was 18 months for a divorce and thats about what happened to you.

 

When my fiance left me after 14 years it took about a year to get really back on my feet. I'm 19 months post breakup and things are pretty good but I'd be lying if I said i still don't have the occassional bad day. That seemed to be my divorced friends journey as well.

 

So just realise it's a long journey but you will get there eventually.

[lemsip]

Wow 1t24, thank you for taking the time to write me such a lengthy post. Honestly. Everything you say is true. I'll come back to this post when I feel blue again man...

I know my circumstances are no different from anyone elses. It's a breakup after a long period of time, and despite what led to it, there will be pain. I need to use this pain to move forward. Thanks again.

 

Eocsor, 14 years, wow I'm sorry, but glad to hear you are on the way to recovery.

I need to keep telling myself 2 months is nothing and there is still a long road ahead.

 

I have been pretty good the last while but I was feeling particularly bad today, hence the vent.

 

Thanks everyone.

[italiannmf24]

Anytime, lemsip.

 

I just wanted to get the point accross that there is hope with or without your ex-partner to have a stable and well set life. I'm glad that you decided to share your story with others, it's inspiring.

 

I hope your journey is quick and easy.

 

All the best,

Italiannmf24.

[carrie8484]

hey lemsip

repeated denial and acceptance is part of the cruel way our minds work when overloaded with feelings and emotions following a break up. i dont particuarly like using the word ''acceptance'' in a break up context because it kinda sounds like the word ''agreeing'' - you are almost giving in to what your ex wanted and obeying them like a little puppy. Id prefer to look at it as being given a chance card. giving you another option in life. an unknown , scary path to begin with but one which will ultimately lead to something really special.. Maybe an anger stage would help you at this point - sometimes it helps to feel a different kind of emotion other than sadness. thats how ive been dealing with my heartbreak recently. what makes me wonder is what on earth is your ex's new guy doing with a girl who just left an 8yr relationship and engagement - if he's not feeling insecure and having his own doiubts then i'm the queen of sheba. when she's done with her rebound and stopped being so needy she will probaby have a serious reality check. by then you will have moved on.

[meoww]

Hey there,

 

Just wanted to chime in and assure you that many of us have cycled through those emotions again and again. It's sort of the world's most depressing fact that for 99% of us, time really does heal us better than anything else. As devoted and passionate as we may envision ourselves to be, eventually, even if it takes years, we just move on.

 

At this point I'd just go into damage control mode and do everything you can to protect yourself from further hurt, you have enough to deal with already. If you can get through the day with even a small part of yourself looking toward a better future, that is enough for now. Having a routine and getting normal sleep is crucial. You'll know when it's time to stop grieving. The statistic was true for me! 18 months later, I've finally gotten past most of nostalgia and the self destructive feelings about my ex. For your sake though, please try to enjoy life even if you feel like something is missing or wish she was there to experience the good times with you. There will come a time when even those thoughts are too much to bear.

[lemsip]

It seem like everything has hit me all at once, that's why I bolded this bit. 6 months ago I was in a job I really hated, my boss told me everyday my work wasn't good enough even though it was. It got me down, and I wasn't a happy person to live with. I'd just come home from work in a depressed mood. So when my ex initially asked for a break between us I made the positive steps to quit this job and work for myself. It made me much happier. It was one of the many things I did to try and save/work on the relationship. Not that it mattered to her overall desire. But now that she's left me it means I have to work from home, with no real outside contact all day. As a freelancer, my work isn't steady and I have a lot of time to dwell. I think I may need to just get a full-time job, even one I don't want, so I have people around me.

 

It's amazing how much you life can change for the worse in just a matter of months. I'm just hoping it can change back as quickly.

 

Edit: sorry if I sound like a moan, just a bad few days I guess. Need to start thinking positive, I know.

[meoww]

I almost considered bolding that bit myself. It sounds like you know what you need to do for now. During the worst of it, I always felt fairly normal at work and worst during those hours of unstructured time at home.I hope you find a less hostile work environment this time around!

[hausser]

Yes I get that meoww, time bumming around the home is where I have been at my lowest ebb no doubt about it. Also agree 100% with having a routine and getting good sleep.

 

Lemsip, your posts always make me think I could have written them. My relationship was half as long as yours but I truly have experienced the denial/acceptance loop, and what a horrid little loop it is.

 

I do think selling the house will allow you to heal and like you I am almost envious of couples with no material/dependants to get in the way of healing. Wish I could give you some advice but the truth is I still get it myself, although I have taken the first few tenative steps at "rebirth" so to speak. Thinking that I wasted my Summer in a maudlin state over my ex actually pisses me off, but hey these were pretty long relationships we're talking about.

[iheartkulot]

it has been nine months since my fiance left me...

 

and yeah, just like you, i am into the never ending cycle of acceptance and denial.

 

my world became smaller..i felt abandoned and betrayed

 

the hurt is still unbearable...i lost a lot of weight...but then, I'm still alive...perhaps it's true, a heartbreak won't kill you...and what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger.

 

i am still hurting, can't really say i am stronger now...but i'm really looking forward to that day, when heart would no longer hurt BIG TIME.

 

Good luck to all us.

 

Keep praying.

[lasttoknow]

 

Start doing things for you, really. You'll understand at some point down the line that what she did to you will only strengthen your will and motivation to become a better person.

 

Don't allow her to control your emotions, that's your job.

 

 

Great post Italiannmf24

[dabbledave]

The time I used in order to work on myself through this process was life changing and it always will be.

...

Don't allow her to control your emotions, that's your job.

 

Gems, italianmf24!

 

Remember, lemsip, process process process those * * * * ty thoughts that make you feel bad.

 

Turn them on their heads to gain strength from them. It is possible. And it is the source of the potential life-changing benefits that italianmf24 has experienced, and I am experiencing!

 

DD

[lemsip]

I feel for you, it's horrible. But we'll get through it. You know why? Because we have no other option.

 

I too can't wait for the moment when I'm working in another country, or lying on a beach somewhere, or even just here at home and I think to myself "Yes, that was the worst period of my life, but it didn't kill me, so if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything."

 

Time to start thinking positive! Dwelling on the past serves no purpose, and I can't change my present situation.

 

All we can do is mould a new future for ourselves, so lets get to work...

 

 

it has been nine months since my fiance left me...

 

and yeah, just like you, i am into the never ending cycle of acceptance and denial.

 

my world became smaller..i felt abandoned and betrayed

 

the hurt is still unbearable...i lost a lot of weight...but then, I'm still alive...perhaps it's true, a heartbreak won't kill you...and what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger.

 

i am still hurting, can't really say i am stronger now...but i'm really looking forward to that day, when heart would no longer hurt BIG TIME.

 

Good luck to all us.

 

Keep praying.