Girlfriend does not want to have sex anymore

[DrB912]

Hey. This is my first time trying to find help on a forum, especially about relationship advice, but I figured I would give it a try. To start off, I should explain a bit about my relationship. I am 21, she is 19. We have been together a month now. We hit it off pretty quick. We would speak to one another constantly (try over a thousand text messages within a week). Our first date was about as normal as it gets I suppose. I picked her up, met her family, took her to dinner, we watched a movie, we made out... And this is where we made a mistake I guess, we ended up having sex. I never wanted to rush things like I did with her, but after 2 hours of us teasing each other and almost kissing, but never actually kissing, and just gentle touching and holding, by the time the movie was over, we could not get off of each other. She ended up telling me the next day that she was a virgin and had planned on staying that way until she was engaged/married, but she was at least glad it was me because I was so sweet to her and that we would be together for a while.

 

We continued having sex after each date for the next week or so until one night when she had a question she wanted to ask me, only she wouldn't say it because she felt it was too personal. Here is where I made the mistake of pushing her to ask me because I am the type that feels being open and not lying is healthy. She finally asked me... and it was "How many girls have I slept with before her?" Well, my answer was 6, she was my 7th... I felt horrible because I know that's no where near what she wanted to hear. Ever since then, she has distanced herself from me and has admitted that she's disgusted by it, and by the fact that she even had sex with me. She told me she was mad at herself for doing it. She avoids me sometimes now, but we are still dating and still see each other. We also had a pregnancy scare, which added to the traumatic experience for her.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I've already told her if no sex will help her, then I will wait because I honestly feel like I love her, but I can't help but feel like something is wrong. I want to be able to fix this. I offered for us to go to counselling or something, but she won't do it. She won't talk about her personal life to anyone, especially someone she doesn't know. I just don't know how to make her comfortable again. It doesn't feel normal to go from having great sex on a normal basis, to nothing at all. How can I reassure her that it is okay to have sex?

 

I even stopped talking to any of my exes that I was still in communication with for her (I try to stay friends when it's possible). I was tested for STD's by her request (I am clean). I try to abide by her dislike for pda as much as possible. I could just really use some good advice...

[In the Dark]

She asked for it.

It's a personal problem with herself not with you.

 

You were completely honest with her and she couldn't deal with your past.

 

I'd say leave her be.

 

If she gets over it then, all good.

[guynextdoor]

Its her problem not yours so she needs to find a way to handle it.

[happyfrank]

Let her do the next move. Don't do anything sexually related for awhile. Take her on dates and make her feel special. If she is into you will jump on you one day left alone. When you have sex with her just give her oral and make it only about her for awhile. Right now don't call her. Let her call you and ask her if she wants to do something she likes which you should know.

[oldenoughtoknow]

It sounds like you stepped on a landmine with this one. As stated above, this is about her. This is about her insecurities. It was a great move on your part to suggest counseling. If you really love her and want to stay with her, about all you can do is try to reassure her however and whenever you can. You're not a counselor, so you really can't help her with her issues.

 

Don't think being with her is going to be easy on you. Don't lose sight of yourself and get sucked into her abyss. You're already cutting off communication with ex's. What will be next?

 

See what I mean?

[princessinblue]

I don't know if it's the same for her, but I did something like this to my boyfriend. It wasn't so much that I wanted to not do anything as I wanted to see if he was there for more then my body. I don't know if it helps you, but the best thing to do is stop focusing on the sex and start focusing on how much you love her personality.

[DrB912]

Thank you for all the advice. It really helps and gives me a different perspective on how to handle this.

[FathomFear]

There's a high likelihood that she now suspects that you're "just a player" and were only out for sex all along. And if you'll allow me to be brutally honest, I also did get the impression after reading your post that you're very focused on the sexual side of things. Not that this is a bad thing, as you're a 21 year old guy after all, but it's possible your wants/needs may not be a match for hers. She likely went along with having sex because she was under the impression that your partnership was special/mutual, etc, and now she sees herself as just another notch on your bedpost.

[DN]

I agree that this is her issue to get past. I understand that she is only 19 but she made an adult decision and should be dealing with it as an adult.

[hexaemeron]

So, wait - she consents to having sex with a dude on the first date, and she thinks she somehow has moral superiority to judge your behavior before she ever came along?

 

Dump that hypocrite. Next.

[tygerwolf]

There's a high likelihood that she now suspects that you're "just a player" and were only out for sex all along. And if you'll allow me to be brutally honest, I also did get the impression after reading your post that you're very focused on the sexual side of things. Not that this is a bad thing, as you're a 21 year old guy after all, but it's possible your wants/needs may not be a match for hers. She likely went along with having sex because she was under the impression that your partnership was special/mutual, etc, and now she sees herself as just another notch on your bedpost.

 

I have to disagree.

 

I don't believe she sees you as a "player". I have felt similarly before with my first boyfriend with whom I too lost my virginity with. Shes likely feeling insecure as to how she measures up. She probably feels that her lack of experience makes her inferior to your exes in some way. Which is probably why she asked you to cut off contact. She may have also felt that yours and her experience together was special. Your her first. Women treasure that. And the fact that she is your 7th probably has her feeling stupid. Like shes not so special. Its not logical but we do get to feeling this way.

 

You did all of the right things. Sex on the first date is not a horrible thing. It sounds like the feelings were completely mutual and that the chemistry was totally there for the two of you. There's nothing wrong with that. You were honest about your history as well.

 

Just keep doing what your doing. You sound very kind and attentive with her. Make her feel special non-sexually and see where things go from there. Cuddle. Be sweet. If you reassure her that she is special to you, she should open up about sharing herself with you again.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

I don't think 'bait and switch' should ever be rewarded.

[hexaemeron]

Again, why does she get to have sex with a guy on the first date, losing her virginity, and then look down on him? That's absurd.

[SpottiOtti]

Maybe it's just me, but I'm a little surprised that someone who seemingly treasured her virginity so much would give it up on the first date. Does that happen a lot?