Broke up with me because he was unhappy in general

[rforeman]

Hello,

 

This is the first time I have ever done something like this but I could really use some other peoples opinions, About 3 weeks ago my boyfriend of over 2 years, who I love with all my heart, broke up with me because he was unhappy. He says that there was noting in our relationship that cause this, nothing he did or nothing I did he was just unhappy. He just graduated from college, is working full time, still living with his parents, and exhausted in general. He says that although he loves me he needs to find out why he is unhappy and does not feel like he can do that in a relationship with me or anyone else. He also says that he has been feeling this way since about May which is when he graduated and started working full time and he apologized for not letting me know about it and takes full blame. Our relationship was a very good one in general, we rarely argued and never had any big fights. We got along very well and loved each other very much, this is something that i know for a fact. Over the past few months I have also been a bit more stressed and I know I complained/nagged a bit more than usual and at first i wondered if that wore him down to the point of break up. I did however own up to these actions and apologized for them because I thought this may have been the true reason for the break up. He says that although he did not like that I was complaining more that it had no deciding factor in our breakup at all. When he came over to get his stuff about a week ago we thanked each other for a such a good relationship and I told him that if finds his happiness or what he is looking for and in time can reconsider us I would love that and he agreed. I feel as if he was very sincere about all of this and these are his true reasons. I am just having a very difficult time dealing with this and I am really hoping that by giving him some space to be alone he may change his mind since our relationship was not really the cause of the breakup. I am not contacting him at all as of right now to give him space. I have started therapy to help me deal with my emotions and loss and I am trying my best to keep myself busy and active. I hurt all the time and I miss him very much and I am still completely in love with him so it is just making this very hard for me to get through. I really have hope that in time he may change his mind but I am scared I am holding onto something that will never come back. Please give me any opinions/advice you have.

[mhowe]

You are both at a crossroad in life -- finishing school, looking for work/a career path...living at home. It is a time of great emotional stress, confusion and anxiety. And a very difficult time to have the energy it takes to sustain, let alone grow, a relationship.

 

My advice would be to honor his request, and give him space. Focus on yourself and making yourself happy. He may or may not come back, so cherish what you had, know that circumstance, more than anything else, was a factor in this break up, and move on.

[ToF]

I'm sorry you're in pain. I think you'll find that most people on this site have been through what you're going through, so just know that you're not alone.

 

I think you need to face the facts, though. I'm sure you're a smart girl, so try to step back from your feelings, and from what HE told you, and think about this logically: If your relationship truly had nothing to do with his unhappiness or the breakup, then why did he feel it was necessary to end your two year relationship?

 

Something in the way he's explained it just does not fit. It's totally possible that he may be depressed for reasons beyond your relationship, but that doesn't mean he broke up with you for essentially no reason. When he told you he's been feeling that way since May, that means he's been considering breaking up with you since May. This guy has put some serious thought into your relationship, and decided it was best to let it go.

 

No matter how you feel or what he told you, it is a fact that he did not want this relationship enough to keep it.

 

I tell you all this because it's harder to heal when you're still in that state of confusion, wondering what happened and will he come back soon? No. He won't come back soon. Will he come back later? Definitely possible. But by then, nothing can happen between you two unless you are BOTH healed enough to start a NEW relationship together.

 

Treat this as a permanent breakup, and start doing what you need to do to move on.

[Eocsor]

Ah, the "it's not you, it's me" breakup. A classic. He is just trying to let you down easily. Move on with your life as if he's not coming back. Holding on will just extend the hurt. It will suck big time for a while and the pain will be intense BUT you will come out the other end in one piece and a stronger person. Best of luck.

[Rysen]

I'm in a similar situation...so I can relate, and I want you to know you're definitely not alone.

 

In my case, she has a lot of severe family issues and has been pretty messed up for awhile. She never really dealt with those issues when they were happening, kept them bottled up, and eventually it just sort of exploded, to the point where she's very unhappy with her life, and is having a hard time accepting love and connecting with people. One of the things though, that she told me, is that she feels as though she needs to be selfish right now, and can't handle the pressures of a relationship. She feels it's unfair to me because she's her number one priority right now, and like she's holding me back from something because she's just unsure in general about her feelings on anything, including me. She was very honest when saying at times I was the one she wanted to be with, and at times, she wasn't sure at all.

 

I only explain my story (not to highjack the thread, please don't respond about me) because what's helped me is to try and put myself in her shoes. If I was going through this, couldn't devote 100% to someone I love and truly care about, because of whatever reasons, I would also feel like I'm not being very fair to that person, who clearly still loves me and would want to be with me through thick and thin. I would also feel pressured into making decisions that may not necessarily be best for me, but best for us. At this time in her life, or his life as the case may be, it might just be best to be left alone, to sort through their issues, get the help they need, and become more emotionally stable.

 

Of course, I'm hurting, I miss her, and I want nothing more than for us to be together again, however, when I do try and look at the situation through her eyes, I can really understand why she feels being alone right now is what's best for her, what's best for us and ultimately, if we are to ever be together again some day, necessary. It's brought a certain amount of clarity...and I'm actually pretty okay with it.

 

Will she come back? I don't know. I'm not waiting for it, I'm going to keep moving on with my life, and cherish the great times we had. As I'm a stressor it's frustrating not to be able to help, but really, by leaving her alone I AM helping, in a way, and that, for whatever reason I can be happy about.

 

Yeah, you could take it as the "it's not you, it's me" line, and yeah, maybe there are things in the relationship that could have been done differently (I know there were in my case...but I'm working on that) to avoid this place, but I honestly feel that some times these things are just a circumstance of bad timing. And I honestly feel that somebody could be unhappy/messed up enough that they just need to be selfish, get there ducks in a row, before they can accept or give love. It's like they say, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else...and I think that's what's happening in both our situations.

 

All you can do is give them the space they desire, love them from afar, and keep moving on with your life and doing what makes you happy. Easier said than done, I know, believe me I know...but try seeing it through his eyes, try to accept that nothing at this point will change his mind until he sorts out his problems, and be glad that he respects you enough, and cares enough about you not to yo-yo you through the ups and downs that will ultimately come along while dealing with his issues.

 

If you want to chat, feel free to PM me.

[rforeman]

Thanks you all for all your opinions and answers and Rysen it is very comforting to know that someone is going through a similar situation. As I told my ex I would never wish unhappiness upon anyone especially someone who I care so deeply for. Its so painful but it is what he needs/wants for himself so all I can do is respect his decision no matter how much it hurts me. I am a strong person and know I can "survive" this in the end but right now its the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

[Rysen]

No problem. I'm glad that it brought a bit of comfort.

 

I actually think it's something that a lot of people go through, especially during this stage of their lives. Unfortunately, some times really awesome people get hurt along the way, though rest assured, that it's never intentional.

 

I like your attitude, and I agree, you, myself and everyone else going through this heartbreak will survive! Just gotta take it day by day, and whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

 

Keep strong! Keep busy! And live your life! Things will work out for the best, in time.

[puppylove2357]

I know its been a while but i am going through pretty much the EXACT same thing right now and im having a very hard time right now. Does it ever get better?

[puppylove2357]

I know its been a while but i am going through pretty much the EXACT same thing right now and im having a very hard time right now. Does it ever get better?

[ToF]

puppylove2357: If you want responses to your question, you'll need to make your own thread. Go to the main page and click "create new thread".