Stop me before I embarrass myself

[thelastsong]

Some of you on here already know my story, but here's a quick summary:

 

After 13 months of dating, my boyfriend dumps me. He calls me on the phone, crying, and says he just wants to be friends and that I don't make him happy. It's a big shock, not only to me but to my friends and family. Two days before, he was saying that he loved me and missed me, and the last time I saw him before I went away for the summer, he was sweet and kind and wonderful.

 

I immediately went into NC for 1 month, but then I emailed him to get his new address to send him some of his things (including something that belongs to his sister). He asks (over email) if we can be friends. I tell him that I still have feelings for him and that being friends when I want more would just break my heart even more.

 

Three days pass without so much as an email reply to say goodbye. I freak out and email him again, explaining myself further and saying that if he really wants to be friends, maybe we can try it after more time has passed and set some boundaries. He replies that he agrees we should wait for a while but says setting boundaries sounds extreme because "we never know what can happen." He also promises to keep in touch.

 

Two more months pass, and I don't hear from him at all.

 

I move back, and while I'm on Facebook, I notice that he has a new profile picture. (We aren't FB friends anymore, but I can still see when he posts on mutual friends' walls and such.) I click on it, and the comment below says "© VAC... VAC are the initials of the girl he dated before me, the one he never really got over. I checked her profile (because I'm crazy), and he had liked her profile picture, a shot of her in a bikini.

 

I took this as a very clear sign that not only were they in contact, but they were also probably dating or would soon be dating. I was very upset and barely noticed when he signed into Skype (where I had forgotten to delete him from my contacts) and struck up a conversation. It was all pretty casual, and I soon said goodbye.

 

Two days later, I see him for the first time. I expected him to ignore me, but he does quite the opposite. He practically follows me around, telling me things about his life and funny stories and even a spiritual epiphany he had. At one point, he says quite clearly, "I consider you a friend," which really stings. He also says he never contacted me because he wanted me to contact him first.

 

The next day (last Monday), I email him explaining again that I can't be friends because I still have feelings for him. No reply again.

 

So someone, please tell me that I did the right thing and keep me from calling or emailing or texting or even meeting up with him in person. I don't know if he's really dating his ex again, and I'm too afraid to ask anyone. I don't even know if she came back from Africa for the summer, but I know she's there now. If he's not dating her, I may have just ruined my chances of reconciliation. He is, unfortunately, not concerned with whether or not I ever talk to him again, which I'm having a lot of trouble accepting since I thought he used to love me.

 

Sorry this is such a long post! So did I do the right thing? Should I see if he'll meet me to talk about the relationship and what went wrong? Should I find out if he's dating his ex?

[volvic1]

You did the right thing, you want to be more than friends, so why torture yourself by agreeing to just be friends when its only going to prolong the process of you attempting to get over him! Chin up and try and move on

[Georgia99]

You did the right thing. He broke up with you. He clearly said he considered you 'a friend'. There is nothing hazy there.

 

A reconciliation should sound like "I want to get back together with you". Nothing less.

 

He KNOWS you still have feelings for him. You don't need to remind him. I know it's hard to accept. But you need to move on with your life and concentrate on yourself. Big hug.

[Stay_home]

I agree with all of the above, you should definitely move on. He sounds like he really doesn't know what he wants. You'll be kept on a string much to your dismay. I went through something recently like that. I wanted something more, she just wanted something 'for right now.' Knowing that wouldn't work, I severed ties with her and just went NC. I will have to talk with her again though, cause I have something of hers I need to return. But for right now, she can do without it because I ain't calling her...

[Nick Lansing]

Sounds like he is back with her or wants to be. I think you're handling it with grace and maturity. I'm kind of in a similar situation (though it was a shorter relationship), and am having trouble dealing too... she lives on my street and was behind me in traffic this AM! Trying to be strong. I thinkwhen thre's someone else involved your best bet is to maintain yourdignity 100%, which in this case means staying away. My feeling is that in time you'll heal, AND they'll probably break up again (law of averages) and you'll get another shot -- not that you'll even care by that point.

[confuseddotcom]

Yep, you handled yourself very well. You should be proud of yourself. Now, maintain no contact and go out and find someone who wants to be with you.

[thelastsong]

Sounds like he is back with her or wants to be. I think you're handling it with grace and maturity. I'm kind of in a similar situation (though it was a shorter relationship), and am having trouble dealing too... she lives on my street and was behind me in traffic this AM! Trying to be strong. I thinkwhen thre's someone else involved your best bet is to maintain yourdignity 100%, which in this case means staying away. My feeling is that in time you'll heal, AND they'll probably break up again (law of averages) and you'll get another shot -- not that you'll even care by that point.

 

I'm kind of hoping you're right. She ignored him completely until we got together, and then she kept emailing him, etc. I think she may have swooped in as soon as she saw he was single, but I'm hoping (even if it's bad for me to do so) that either she's not that interested or she'll ditch him again. Seriously, he chose someone who abandons him whenever it's convenient for her over someone who always put him first.

 

Thanks for all the advice, guys. You made me feel better about my decision.

 

EDIT: The more I think about it, the more it seems that he would’ve considered getting back together with me after that first month of NC. Then his ex comes into the picture again, and he thinks to himself that he can maybe have us both by dating her again and keeping me around as a friend/ back-up plan. It feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I say no thanks. He made his decision, and he can live with the consequences, which hopefully will come back around and bite him in the butt.

[Mellie]

Don't keep going over what he and his old ex are up to. You'll drive yourself nuts. If you block them both on FB, you won't be able to see either of them anymore, right?

[Nick Lansing]

Also, facebook is deadly in situations like this, since the impression one's page gives can be so misleading, not to mention easily manipulated. In my experience, fb is like torture when going through a breakup. Don't put yourself through that! Difficult, I know.

[aulelia]

Exactly - don't settle for anything less than a relationship. Whether you are Kate Middleton getting your prince or he is getting down on one knee after one date, know what YOU want for your future.

 

I don't think you embarrassed yourself.

 

I can almost guarantee that the moment he feels like you are over him and you have met someone new, the violins will come out and he'll want you back.

 

When you want to love them, they don't want you - when you don't, you are all they are thinking of! I'm a simple girl - give me the love and it's returned. I suspect most of us returning to the thread are the same.

[aulelia]

Any update on this?

[thelastsong]

Not particularly. He never did respond to the email. There's mutual ignoring on both sides when we see each other in public, and I flat-out blocked him on Facebook. I don't think their relationship is "official" because I have a mutual friend who promised she'd warn me if she found out anything (just so I wouldn't hear from an awkward third party who then has to witness my insanity, and no, she doesn't update me on every little thing).

 

However, I do know that his ex is coming back from Africa for a visit this Sunday. I don't know if he'll parade her around church or not, but I am dreading it just the same.

 

I don't think he'll ever speak to me again, and while it hurts me that his once passionate feelings of love for me evaporated seemingly overnight, this is who he is now. He picked her, and he's never coming back. I'm doing my best to let go and do what I want for once, which includes going to Japan for a few months next year. It's still in the works, but I'm excited, and I know I never would have taken this opportunity if we had still been together.

[EgoJoe]

I have been exactly where you are to a degree. You are stronger than you think. You deserve more than friends from someone you had a relationship with. I'll bet money that you'll hear from him with his hat in hand down the road. By that time your perspective will have evolved. I made a breakthrough yesterday because instead of thinking about the negative all of the time and then forcing myself to remember the positive to paint a vivid portrait of happenings. I woke up feeling negative and then said to myself, "It's not all one way or another!" then...bam I felt juxtaposed because I could walk myself through the end (quickly) and assign a positive or negative emotion or opinion to something said or done and then I quickly moved through the entire downhill portion of my last relationship to discover one thing.

 

Boy were we both young, dumb, in love, in pain, confused and trying to sort it out in some good ways and some bad. My perspective, attitude and outlook on life is night and day to six months ago and while I'm greatful of the growth I have undergone and will continue to do so. I will not forget the pain that I now know how to avoid a little better yet may still have no choice but to face with tact and dignity. Like I did this time.