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I don't understand some things...

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Okay, I don't want to write a novel, so I will try to make this as brief as I can.


Long story short. I was with a guy. I was his first girlfriend/everything possible. Throughout the relationship he became overly possessive and jealous. I was forbidden to wear certain clothing, and I could not speak to any males he did not know as friends. We ended things 3.5 years later... he told me to date and move on because we would never be together again. So, I did... but we ended up in eachothers arms almost 11 months later. we dated for another 3.5 years. this time i could not handle him going through my phone, my email, and i could not even go to the bathroom without him following me. since i dated other people, and he told me too, he said i betrayed his trust, and he needed to work on that. i understand he was insecure, but he told me to move on, and we were not together.. through the last 3.5 years he was very strange. i remember telling him we should move to california, and he said he can't because work. i remember i stopped going to some parties for his family, because family drama and he said he would break up with me if i was not close to them. he also got strangely violent and tore my shirt off and scratched me, in front of his brother.. so i started talking to someone else, and i developed a crush... i never met this guy, but he snapped me out of my ex's spell. my ex was a great guy besides.. we did alot together, and he took care of me, but it scared me to not know myself yet, and he didn't either. what also rang in my mind was how he told me he wanted to ask me to marry him the december that passed a few months earlier. he even asked his mother. i was so scared. i was very close to his family, actually i still am. my sister is now dating his brother.... (fun, right?!)

so not even 3 weeks after we are broken up but still physical ( he later says he used me), he dated 2 girls, then moved in with his best friend. then not even a week went by that i feel like he started dating the younger sister. he takes her on vacation, and she just broke up with her boyfriend too. so come on!

i heard from my ex's older sister that he wished nothing but good things, but once he started dating her that he hated me, and regretted everything.

i heard from his best friend who i am still friends with that he regretted ever being with me, and wants to rewrite our entire relationship over with his new girlfriend. this was only after like 6 months of them being together.. whereasin we were friends for 9 and lovers for almost 7. funny right? the worst was watching him drive her around in the car i gave him $2,000 to help buy. but he kept saying i was a horrible person for what i did to him by liking someone else, and worthless... and yet, his new girlfriend DID THE SAME THING I DID to her ex before him! so, uh..........

so it has been 2 years and he still cannot look at me.

i have healed so much. for almost 9 months i was deeply depressed though. i lost almost 20 pounds in 2 weeks, i was so hurt. all i did was cry. because he took everything from me. he used to live with me, and i had to sleep in the bed and room we shared, while he had a completely new environment. it hurt so bad for him to move on so fast. i still to this day am jaded. but i try..

i snapped out of it and i have dated, but i am not fully healed so i refuse to bring anyone else into this. but i have come along way.

i traveled to europe alone, met some russian musician friends, performed at a large music festival, met lots of different people, purchased a brand new car, accomplished many goals, all while alone.

and for now i can talk to any boys i want! right now it is a multilingual musician/artist who lives in paris, and we send packages and letters back and forth. ^_^


but here is the biggest dilemma. over 2 years have passed since we have spoken, and i saw him a few weeks ago and we said hi, but his face was just..not him. he ended up sitting behind me and he could not sit still. i felt like he couldn't wait to get away from me. my sister went to talk to him and asked if we can be friends now, but he refuses to be friends, and he is so adamant about it. he can't even look at me or be in the same room, even still! his girlfriend is allowed to hang out with ex's and any guy she wants. she even wears very little clothing at times, where i would be yelled at for that. he said how he wants to move to the west coast with her. they dressed as 2 characters from the first movie we ever watched together. when i asked him why he does all the same things, he said he had to get over me. but how do you get over someone, doing everything the same with the one before?

they both are not fond of me i feel, but i wish they would understand, if he never dated me, he would not be with her... because he wouldn't be able to handle those things, or maybe he still can't and he lies to himself. i know i shouldn't care. but i am a very curious person, and if things go unanswered, it drives me nuts! and another thing, and it made me feel weird, because i am more curvy... large chest and hips, and athletic legs. he always said he liked my shape the most, and was grossed out by skinny girls because it grossed him out. well his girlfriend is naturally skinny, but looks so skinny it makes you uncomfy. i know we all have different shapes.. but every girl he had a crush on before me had my shape, so it's weird. there are many different types, and i don't have just one, but it is weird to say you are disgusted by the way someone looks, then date them. also, the whole family thing. he barely sees them. i see his sister maybe 2-3 times a week, i am very close to her and her two children. it's weird that he almost broke up with me for not being close, but she has no relationship to them whatsoever. i even drove his sister to visit their grandmother in the hospital. the whole family misses me and says i should come by more often. the grandmother in the hospital was even confused because my ex told her he wanted to marry me. it made me so guilty. i can't even detach because my sister now... and i love them. it's a big mess!


maybe he just grew up. but it took him a month or so after we ended. so why couldn't he have grown while with me? i sound so selfish, but it was like he did it to get back at me, and now he feels weird because i am doing okay, instead of crying in a corner.



just why, when he is so in "love" with someone else, can he not be my friend, or even look at me? i am in his life no matter what... so why not make this neutral? i am the one who is alone, and yet i am alright? i guess i took the time to heal and gain thick scars, while he just has to keep putting a bandage over his wound.




can anyone explain why he is like this though? maybe you were in his shoes... and can offer better advice.

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