My girlfriend told me she had an affair with a married man before we met

[someguy23711]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 months. We talked about past relationships about a month in. I knew the man in question as her ex-boyfriend, who was "old enough to be her father." She also told me they were still good friends. I didn't have a problem with this.

 

Today, she mentioned an email from him this morning, that he was on vacation with his wife and she was glad he was happy with her again. I said I had assumed he was divorced and asked if they were just separated when they were together (over a year). She said no, they had "an affair type thing."

 

I was a bit shocked and asked what that was like. She just said she didn't regret it, but knew it wouldn't have worked out. She then said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Well, I'm a little concerned, obviously. She has said she believes in monogamy, and I guess she wasn't doing the cheating, but still. Her lack of regret also worries me...what if their marriage was ruined?

 

Also, why does she still talk to him? Isn't that incredibly disrespectful to his wife, even if they have broken up?

 

Finally, shouldn't she have told me this before? She didn't really tell me now, just casually brought up the guy's wife in conversation.

 

 

Looking for opinions/advice. What should I say, if anything? Is her previous affair any of my business?

 

Thanks.

[Kitkat973]

Hmm. Mentioning an affair, even as the other woman, doesn't seem like an easy thing to do. I could see why she'd choose this more casual method of letting you know.

 

As far as believing in monogamy... hmm. I would be bothered by her seemingly finding no issue at all wrong with what she did.

[Hopelives]

I would be concerned about her lack of regret AND for keeping in touch with him still. She IS disrespecting the wife completely... does she suffer from a lack of self esteem? Or did she?

 

More often than not, women who become the other woman (TOW), are generally vulnerable, depressed, and weak individuals. Married men who sense this and have no moral compass prey upon them.

 

Again, I blame both parties but her continual contact with him is what makes me a bit skeptical of her capability to be monogamous and to differentiate between good and bad behavior.

[Mauxly]

I agree with HopeLives. I stand by the idea that people who don't respect honesty will excuse any behavior that hurts another.

 

People willing to be with cheating partners will cheat on thier own partners later. I say this because they seen to have an uncanny way of rationalizing thier own behavior.

 

This is a noen-onfire-nuclear red flag. Personality, it would be enough to walk away. But you seem entrenched already. So at the very least you should have a conversation about this and draw some pretty clear boundaries regarding infidelity.

[Fudgie]

She clearly doesn't believe in monogamy if she knowingly boned a married man AND sees nothing wrong with it and doesn't regret it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated on you, with this attitude. I'm sorry.

[Ariel85]

You'd be smart to get rid of her ASAP.

 

I would give a pass to ANYONE who has made a mistake in their past, but considering she has no regrets, she obviously sees nothing wrong with what she did.

 

Now, if she 'fessed up that she had an affair, it was stupid, wrong, she regrets it, would never do it again, self-loathed for a long time afterwards, etc., then I'd consider her appropriately contrite and mended. But, not only has she admitted she has no remorse, but she says she's still in touch with him?

 

Run, dude. She's trash, and has fully warned you that she would have no problem doing this again.

[capilot]

... She just said she didn't regret it ...

 

That's the mark of someone who's incapable of seeing other people as human beings with feelings. To her, the man's wife was a lifeless mannequin -- a prop in her own life.

 

Just keep that in mind as you evaluate your relationship with this girlfriend.

[someguy23711]

Yeah, I think I need to have a conversation with her, ask questions. Though, I think I should wait until after her period - I'm sure you all agree.

[lady00]

For me the biggest problems would be (1) she feels no remorse (2) she is still in contact with him. To me, the biggest issue here is she apparently has no moral compass and no sense of good judgment. I would not feel comfortable continuing to date someone like this. I'm fine with people being friends with exes but this is crazy. If you have an affair with someone, that's mistake number one. But don't go ahead and follow up by keeping in contact. It's extremely disrespectful to his wife and it's just not a smart move overall. If she viewed the affair as a mistake, regretted it, and cut off all contact with him, then that would be a different story and I'd say you have nothing to worry about. But that's not the case. People make mistakes and learn from it. And other people do what she did: make a terrible decision and learn nothing from it and make it worse by continuing the contact.

[Staple]

You should get away from her before its too late. My two cents.

[teabee]

I also would be bothered by the fact that they still keep in touch. I find that disrespectful. I used to know someone who didn't understand what was appropriate and what wasn't when it came to that kind of thing. Besides frequent cheating, he would stay in touch with people he'd screwed around on his girlfriend with, and he even introduced his girlfriend to one of the other women (unbeknownst to the gf) and let them become friends. It's like he didn't understand how hurtful that behaviour was.

 

I think this girl is clueless and lacking empathy at best. You might want to make sure her values match up with yours.

[Fudgie]

He may have been sarcastic. I do that sometimes (coupled with seriousness) when someone posts something like "OMG! My boyfriend slept with his ex and then I found out he sleeps with prostitutes too and has a child with someone who he never sees! Should I stay with him?"

[90_hour_sleep]

regret and remorse are very different things. and considering the nature of the responses here, it's no wonder that this girl would adopt a position of 'strength'. taking a defensive stance is very natural when one is faced with the prospect of attack. there's no way to know how another person will react...and to admit something of this nature is to open oneself to extreme vulnerability. i can't say that i'd be inclined to delve into the true nature of my feelings if i felt i was only going to be berated and slandered by someone who was supposed to be my partner in crime.

 

to the original poster...it's my opinion that if you have any respect for this woman...if you love her on any level...you'll gently probe her about this without automatically jumping to the attack. invite her to share. i think until you understand the full nature of the situation...and make an attempt to see things from her perspective...your options here will lack clarity.

 

just my thoughts though. there's always the angry mob to consider.

[pl3asehelp]

If I were the OP, there's absolutely nothing she could say to justify this behavior. No reason at all to attack her, but if she truly does not regret this, well I wouldn't be ok with that at all. My problems would be the complete lack of respect for the wife, complete lack of respect for you by continuing contact with this guy, and finally the disregard for monogamy. I looked up regret and remorse in the dictionary, just to be sure, and as I suspected, there's no substantial difference - in fact, the dictionary says they are synonyms. What I've learned from my experience is that when you meet someone who does heinous things like this and proudly tells you that they don't regret them, that person is either a narcissist or has no values.

[Glowguy]

Sorry man, but there are red flags all over the place with this. Would you have really gotten seriously involved with this woman if you had known this from the beginning? People make mistakes in life and I'm all for second chances when they are deserved, but for her to show an utter lack of remorse and refuse to discuss this would make me err on the side of caution.

[aprivateperson]

I just read through this whole thread and needed some advice.

I am in a somewhat similar situation.

 

The differences are these:

 

She has known the married person for almost 10 years, since before his marriage.

In fact, she admits to both of them cheating on the respective fiances at the time (he got married, she ended her engagement).

But she says she only ever cheated on anyone when she was much younger (we're both in our mid thirties now).

She says she only had the affair with him last year because she had known him for so long and he was in a bad marriage.

She says the affair ended but she continued to keep in touch with him even during our first month of dating (I've seen some very friendly messages between them during that period).

She has stopped responding to all his messages now over the last few months, probably since I first started probing into this story.

She has, although grudgingly, discussed all aspects of the affair with me over the last few weeks. She tells me when he messages her.

 

She does regret what she did and speaks about how her family would feel if they ever came to know of this episode.

But then, she continued to keep in touch with the guy. She empathized with him cause he somehow managed to convince her that he was the vicitim of a bad marriage and needed her help.

In fact, he lives in a different city and for all I know, the affair might have been going on till she met me.

 

Now, on the one hand, it seems like she's easily swayed by this guy.

But on the other, she honestly told me everything and showed me their messages. She has also stopped responding to him.

 

She says she was completely faithful to the last guy she was with for all 7 years. But he used to continually cheat on her.

They had a very painful break up, and it was after that that she had this affair with this guy who was now supposedly in a bad marriage.

 

The easy thing to do for me would be to take the safe route and break up.

But she's being honest with me and I don't think she should be punished for that.

 

I feel that she might be a little careless and easily manipulated, but not actually malicious; and that she has the capacity to be honest and responsible under the right influence.

 

But I'm not sure what to think.

Would appreciate any advice.

[shelty24]

This would be a deal breaker for me. I disagree with the poster who called her a victim and depressed vulnerable woman who some married men prey on like vultures.. thats laughable really. Shes no victim or an angel.. she just like him has no moral compass. Cheaters or people who enable people to cheat (the OM/OM) are all as bad as each other and cannot be trusted. Full stop

[aprivateperson]

This would be a deal breaker for me. I disagree with the poster who called her a victim and depressed vulnerable woman who some married men prey on like vultures.. thats laughable really. Shes no victim or an angel.. she just like him has no moral compass. Cheaters or people who enable people to cheat (the OM/OM) are all as bad as each other and cannot be trusted. Full stop

 

Makes sense but what bothers me is:

 

1. If she was not trustworthy, why would she even tell me all this?

2. She had just come out of a very bad relationship with a cheating partner and that had deeply hurt her.

3. She used to think of the married guy quite fondly. But she never thought of herself as the victim. If anything, she still holds herself equally responsible.

 

It's only after I started questioning his story about needing help that I started feeling that she was manipulated.

She also did mention that she resisted his advances for a long time, which I feel must've been really difficult considering the kind of breakup she had just had.

 

What bothers me though is that they were in touch even after we started dating.

She says it was over before she met me and she was just in touch with him as a good friend. But I don't think she even felt that there was anything wrong in what they were doing before. She was just afraid of what others might think. The guy seems to have managed to convince her that she was helping him and his family by having the affair and that's kind of unsettling.

[Steve55]

It's hard to understand how someone would be ok with that, but obviously some people are.

 

I know in my case, my ex-gf seems to be ok with hooking up with a married guy. It seems to be just sex, but the fact that she suspects that I know and is making more of an effort to hide it, rather than to realize that this could be a very serious mistake, career-wise, if it come out, implies that she is ok with this. Obviously, she isn't thinking about his wife, who still loves him, and his kids....

 

One last thing....As in your case, I am fairly sure this was going on while we were dating...

[Doofus]

If you're only willing to settle for moral purity in a partner, be prepared to die alone.

 

As long as you're reasonably sure she's not cheating on you, then let it go. The past is past. People change. If you can't forgive the person you love for possibly hurting someone you don't even know (we don't know what affect her affair with the guy had), then I doubt your next relationship is going to turn out much better. And, 'yes', we are called sometimes to forgive even those who don't show remorse.

[capilot]

How recently was this cheating? Sounds like she and he had not come to closure on their relationship when they were engaged to other people, and not when he was married. Have they come to closure now? Are you utterly, absolutely, positively sure she no longer has feelings for him? Because if she does, she will cheat again.

[aprivateperson]

Thanks for the great advice, everyone!

I really appreciate the time you have taken to understand and advice me on this.

 

Though there's no way to be absolutely sure, I don't think she was ever cheating on me.

I doubt she would've told me everything and showed me all their messages otherwise.

 

But I do believe she still did have feelings for him, at least till we started discussing it a few weeks ago.

The last they were together was about a year ago.

They were on very friendly terms till a few months back.

She does accept now that he might just have been manipulating her.

 

She said she needs time to figure it out for herself.

And whereas I used to detect a definite fondness when she used to speak about him earlier, she does seem a little jaded now. And I don't think she's the type to put on a show.

 

I don't have a problem with her thinking fondly of an ex with whom it didn't work out.

But fondness for a married guy with whom she has a history of cheating does concern me.

[Steve55]

It sounds like she has moved on from this. More importantly, it sounds like she is trying to be open and honest about it. Those are good things.

 

I'd say, if it were me, I'd trust her enough to continue, but I would also try to be observant. It's possible he could contact her again. In which case, what would her reaction be? I'd hope she'd tell you and not respond to him.

 

In my case, she's just gone deeper under cover, but then we were over before I started suspecting something was going on. In fact, it seems to be the reason she became distant. She'd moved on to him. Now, I am at the point where I am ok with being friends, but I am concerned for her and her career if this affair ever became public. We work at a place where this would be a major problem.

[Unreasonable]

Eh, well, props to her for telling you about it.

 

That said, by saying she has no regrets implies that she thinks there are appropriate conditions for a married person to have an affair, since she was a willing participant.

 

I personally do not believe that. I think there's appropriate reasons for getting a divorce, but I don't think there's a single legitimate reason to have an affair. It's immoral.

 

To me, it'd always burn in my mind, oh, we had a fight, a lifechanging event, changes of shared interests, whatever... is she going to have an affair because she's rationalized this as an excuse?

[Steve55]

Eh, well, props to her for telling you about it.

 

That said, by saying she has no regrets implies that she thinks there are appropriate conditions for a married person to have an affair, since she was a willing participant.

 

I personally do not believe that. I think there's appropriate reasons for getting a divorce, but I don't think there's a single legitimate reason to have an affair. It's immoral.

 

To me, it'd always burn in my mind, oh, we had a fight, a lifechanging event, changes of shared interests, whatever... is she going to have an affair because she's rationalized this as an excuse?

 

Well said, though I do believe people can have a change of heart and realize something they did was against their moral values. I hope that's the case here for the OP.

 

I agree it is troubling that she says she has no regrets. That does indicate she is ok with this type of thing. Being that my ex seems to be continuing with this same thing, as indicated by taking steps to be more secretive, it seems she has also rationalized this to be ok. That is a hard concept for me to accept because in all the years I've known her, I never thought she would be ok with something like this, but her actions, and the actions of the OP's partner, indicate otherwise....