Confused, PO'd, annoyed...

[banal]

I hate when people say they're "confused" about their relationships, because usually they just mean they are uncertain about commitment, or whatever, but in this case I am genuinely, totally, unabashedly...confused.

 

Cliff's notes: For over a month I've been dating a woman that I really like and who seems to really like me (we met on Match). That's not just my imagination speaking; she's told me, several times, that she likes me a lot and that we're compatible, in her words, "in a variety of ways." Sexually the relationship has been going slowly, which I'm fine with because I don't want to get her rushing into anything she's not really ready for. Anyway, we've spent an appreciable, though not excessive, amount of time together, averaging 2 dates per week. Every date has been great, save for one where she left my house bizarrely early because she claimed to have been tired (which I think was true, because it's been confirmed to me that she has serious sleeping problems). A few weeks ago, I had mentioned that I'm only seeing her - it wasn't an 'exclusivity discussion'; it just came up - and she confessed that she's only seeing me and not looking to date anyone else. So, all good.

 

On Friday night, we went to dinner, saw a movie, and spent a few hours back at her house talking / fooling around (though no actual sex). When I left, spirits seemed high. We were going out the next day to an outdoor concert (very relaxed atmosphere) that she had gotten tickets to, which would be our first time together on consecutive days. Overall the night went well. She was her usual cheerful and witty self...

 

Come Saturday morning, I picked her up and sensed she was a bit moody. And, boy, did she worsen. The whole time she was thoroughly miserable. I mean, MISERABLE. She initiated no conversation, replied sparingly, and took almost everything I said seriously (this is a woman with a fantastic sense of humor) for the purpose of insulting me. I asked her if anything was wrong, and she delivered the classic line of "No, nothing's wrong," clearly behaving as if I had murdered her puppy but hours before. I asked her again, later on, and she said, "No, stop asking me that." Eventually I got sick of trying to cheer her up and talk to her, so I shut up. Our ride home was astounding - two adults who, the day before, couldn't find enough time in the day to talk to each other, totally silent and tense for 30 minutes. The date itself was almost four hours of absolute torture. Hands down the worst date of my life. She claimed to have had a headache, but to me that's a ridiculous excuse. If the headache is so bad that it makes you transform into a muted and angry alien, then you probably wouldn't have been able to get out of the bed.

 

I texted her later that night, despite my annoyance, to ask if she was feeling better, if she was indeed sick. She said she still didn't feel good but thanked me anyway. I left her alone and asked her the next night (Sunday) if she'd like to go out later this week. She said "maybe ill get back to u". First time she said "maybe" to an offer of a date. Goes without saying that I've not heard back from her. Although I deactivated my Match profile, I had a dummy account on there and I used it to check up on her - and she was listed as "Online Now." I suppose that her dream date could've messaged her on Match, and it was time to kick me to the curb, but it doesn't seem to add up with the timeline - she "changed" between late Friday night, after she had already turned off her computer, and Saturday morning, when I came to pick her up.

 

I just don't understand. You know, it's the first time in my life, in fact, where I'm flabbergasted about dating. Whenever my relationships or dates have soured in the past, I've been able to 'get it.' This time, * * * ? How is it possible that someone can seem to like you so much - I mean, whenever we were together, we spent almost the whole time laughing and smiling - and who has told you that she's looking for a stable, long-term relationship, for which I am a near-perfect candidate, and then, literally ten hours later, basically hate you?

 

What a waste of my time. I guess there's no question I have to ask any of you. I'm just ranting...sorry.

[camus154]

Sorry man. How she acted is completely unacceptable. Hard to say what may have happened, but obviously something did, and if she was on Match and hasn't deactivated her own profile, that's probably a safe enough bet.

 

If a woman ever acts like that with you on a date again, tell her, "If you're not feeling well or up for hanging out, that's fine. But I have better things to do with my time than suffer through your mood."

[Vincent Ruiz]

It sounds like there is some underlying issue with her that she is not sharing with you. My personal opinion is that you did come off as a little too needy by continuing to ask her if she is ok. By asking her that you are pretty much telling her that "Did I do something wrong?" and that is a sign of neediness because you feel like it has something to do with you. We don't know what her problem was but it could be many things and it is entirely possible that it didn't have anything to do with you. Women respond to emotions and men respond to logic. You can't expect a woman to open up when you approach her in a logical manner because she will shut down even more.

 

The whole link removed thing sounds fishy but the fact that you have a dummy account to check up on her tells me that you may lack some confidence in yourself(please please do not take offense to that. It is my honest opinion) and that is not a good thing at all since women are looking for security and need a man to be confident in himself. If I were in that situation after asking if she was okay once and not get a reply for it, I would probably say "Okay, well it's clear that you're feeling under the weather. I'm going to take you home as it seems you just aren't feeling well. I have to help my friend/mom(whatever I would use at the time) with something today" Two things might occur. She will either open up and tell you or continue being a brat. You can't feed in to these things and you need to assert yourself in that situation and show you won't tolerate that attitude.

 

I don't know the whole story, but what you need to do is take an honest, open look at the events of your whole relationship thing and try to see if something occurred that bothered her or pushed her away. You have to be honest with yourself and let your pride go away when doing this cause if you find something it will be somewhat painful.

[Ariel85]

Well, did you murder her puppy???!!!

 

Seriously - does she have some health/mental issues going on? Because her change seems so out of left field, and I don't think you did anything wrong, TBH.

[banal]

If a woman ever acts like that with you on a date again, tell her, "If you're not feeling well or up for hanging out, that's fine. But I have better things to do with my time than suffer through your mood."

 

Thanks bud. I did make that point during our text exchange on Sunday night, when I told her that if she wasn't feeling up to going out then I'd appreciate it if she told me and she could stay home.

 

It sounds like there is some underlying issue with her that she is not sharing with you. My personal opinion is that you did come off as a little too needy by continuing to ask her if she is ok. By asking her that you are pretty much telling her that "Did I do something wrong?" and that is a sign of neediness because you feel like it has something to do with you. We don't know what her problem was but it could be many things and it is entirely possible that it didn't have anything to do with you. Women respond to emotions and men respond to logic. You can't expect a woman to open up when you approach her in a logical manner because she will shut down even more.

 

The whole link removed thing sounds fishy but the fact that you have a dummy account to check up on her tells me that you may lack some confidence in yourself(please please do not take offense to that. It is my honest opinion) and that is not a good thing at all since women are looking for security and need a man to be confident in himself. If I were in that situation is after asking if she was okay once and not get a reply for it, I would probably say "Okay, well it's clear that you're feeling under the weather. I'm going to take you home as it seems you just aren't feeling well. I have to help my friend/mom(whatever I would use at the time) with something today" Two things might occur. She will either open up and tell you or continue being a brat. You can't feed in to these things and you need to assert yourself in that situation and show you won't tolerate that attitude.

 

I don't know the whole story, but what you need to do is take an honest, open look at the events of your whole relationship thing and try to see if something occurred that bothered her or pushed her away. You have to be honest with yourself and let your pride go away when doing this cause if you find something it will be somewhat painful.

 

That's the thing, I am trying to look at it honestly and I'm coming up on empty. I wish I had answers, like I had been rude the night before, or I had insulted her Saturday morning, or I had run over her mailbox, or I had roofied her grandmother and left her in the driveway. I've got nothing.

 

I didn't know that she was sick during the date. She only told me that after the fact, as I was dropping her off. If she was sick why didn't she just say that when I had asked her if she was all right? And I only asked her twice because we were there for about three hours and, wow, dude, you have to understand she just said nothing, rolled her eyes at everything, just looked absolutely miserable. It was so ridiculously uncomfortable.

 

I have a dummy account from a while back, and decided to check up on her with it for reasons already stated. I had used it even when active on Match, too, if I didn't want someone to see that I had viewed his/her profile (his since I'm always curious about who in my area is looking).

[Vincent Ruiz]

Fair enough. I understand as I have been in that situation where a girl acts moody and unresponsive. It sucks to say the least lol. The best thing for you to do was put your foot down at that very moment and say you are taking her home because you have other things you need to do. The fact that you continued at the concert maybe made things worse as it kept agitating whatever problem she had.

 

My advice to you is to stop texting her or contacting her. It'll be tough but it is necessary. She has made no attempt to explain herself or apologize(none that I know of at least) so for now she has no interest in what is going on. So you shouldn't either. I know that it sucks because you invested/wasted time with her but texting or calling her anymore will be like beating a dead horse. If she is ready to open up to you then she will, if she doesn't then she is a little brat and you should NOT waste anymore time with her when you can meet a much cooler girl. Stay away from her and just hang out with friends, workout, work, keep yourself busy and just live life. If she contacts you then take it from there, if not then just keep living life man. She is not a special flower and she is not the last girl you will meet in your life. Trust me.

[banal]

Well, did you murder her puppy???!!!

 

Seriously - does she have some health/mental issues going on? Because her change seems so out of left field, and I don't think you did anything wrong, TBH.

 

I'm starting to wonder...this sounds like a mental health issue, possibly. I wish I knew what her longest relationship was - that could be telling.

[Ariel85]

I'm starting to wonder...this sounds like a mental health issue, possibly. I wish I knew what her longest relationship was - that could be telling.

 

Seriously. There was zero sign that she was ever even remotely annoyed or upset with you, and then your (final) date was her being a passive/aggressive nasty hag for four hours. I don't fault you for repeatedly asking her what was wrong. When someone does a 180 like that, anyone is going to pressure for an answer.

 

I would have initially said she had really bad PMS or PMDD, which still might be the case, but when you mentioned she has other sleep disturbances, I wonder if there is something greater going on.

 

I would take comfort in knowing it's not about you. I would not contact her again, but I have a feeling she'll resurface at some point. AND, consider yourself lucky for dodging this bullet. Yeesh.

[banal]

Seriously. There was zero sign that she was ever even remotely annoyed or upset with you, and then your (final) date was her being a passive/aggressive nasty hag for four hours. I don't fault you for repeatedly asking her what was wrong. When someone does a 180 like that, anyone is going to pressure for an answer.

 

I would have initially said she had really bad PMS or PMDD, which still might be the case, but when you mentioned she has other sleep disturbances, I wonder if there is something greater going on.

 

I would take comfort in knowing it's not about you. I would not contact her again, but I have a feeling she'll resurface at some point. AND, consider yourself lucky for dodging this bullet. Yeesh.

 

Thanks, you and Vincent are convincing me to not contact her. I was thinking of doing it, just to try and put this issue to rest, but it doesn't seem like it's even worth it...unless she's able to prove to me that she was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, aggravated by the type of music at the concert, I think it's in my best interest to leave her alone.

 

I feel bad with my original post, because it really sounds like I'm 'rigging it' so that I come off spotless and blameless. But, honestly, it's the truth. I'm disappointed, very disappointed, because we seemed to have a very strong connection. I can say that, up until Saturday, the courtship had been virtually perfect. We got along extremely well. I was even beginning to be romantic (which I'm always awkward initiating in a dating relationship), as about one week ago I had mailed her a rose with a "thinking of you" card in it to arrive on a day that was going to be hectic for her. She liked it. Or so she claimed.

[Vincent Ruiz]

I'm really glad you are not going to contact her anymore. It takes a really strong person to overcome something like this. The ball is in her court and if she isn't willing to pick it up well then too bad for her. It is definitely a very painful thing to go through but just remember that all things must pass. People usually say that when good times end but they don't realize that it also applies to the bad times too. NOTHING lasts forever and time will heal this. Stay strong.

[Ariel85]

I'm usually pretty good at reading someone's BS monitor, even online, and yours is not going off - lol, so I don't think you were "rigging" anything in your favor. I think you've been really honest here.

 

I know it's hard not to want some kind of closure, but sometimes we need to find that within ourselves. I mean, is there ANYTHING she could ever say to excuse her atrocious behavior? Of course not. So, you know you don't want to date her again, and a convo would only produce excuses or lies on her part. Even the truth (medication gone awry? lol) would be enough to make me walk after a month.

[bichin]

Do you tell your potential dates about this interest of yours? I dare you to....

[camus154]

Do you tell your potential dates about this interest of yours? I dare you to....

 

I think doing that sort of thing is probably pretty common. I've done online dating and I'd change my visibility settings so people couldn't tell I had visited their profiles, and that's really all this is here.

[bichin]

I think doing that sort of thing is probably pretty common. I've done online dating and I'd change my visibility settings so people couldn't tell I had visited their profiles, and that's really all this is here.

 

I guess it's normal if you say so. To me it is stalking when you want to see someone without them seeing you, kind of like spying, you know? I'm probably just not cut out for the type of guy who gets good at online dating. I'll stay out of your way.

[banal]

Do you tell your potential dates about this interest of yours? I dare you to....

 

Actually, yes, I do. I don't consider myself ' good' at online dating. I consider it common sense to check up on someone when she says she's not using her profile anymore, to see if she's telling you the truth. If that is "stalking" then, uh...

[manji123]

I agree with everyone and I'm totally stumped on this one so I'm just going to throw out this idea to see if it sticks.

 

You said things had been going slow romantically (nothing wrong with that btw) do you think she was expecting sex that Friday night and felt rejected as a result? To be honest she does sound like she has some issues so maybe that was the straw that broke the camel's back? Maybe she had built up this fantasy/perfect night in her head and when reality didn't line up to her fantasy she flipped out?

 

Again just throwing out an idea. Either way and whatever the reason I do feel it's best to stay away from her. I'm sorry this happened dude.

[banal]

I agree with everyone and I'm totally stumped on this one so I'm just going to throw out this idea to see if it sticks.

 

You said things had been going slow romantically (nothing wrong with that btw) do you think she was expecting sex that Friday night and felt rejected as a result? To be honest she does sound like she has some issues so maybe that was the straw that broke the camel's back? Maybe she had built up this fantasy/perfect night in her head and when reality didn't line up to her fantasy she flipped out?

 

Again just throwing out an idea. Either way and whatever the reason I do feel it's best to stay away from her. I'm sorry this happened dude.

 

Good guess, based on the information provided, but unfortunately incorrect. I wasn't pushing sex or anything, but suffice it to say, she knew that if she wanted me to stay over Friday night, I was staying over Friday night.

 

I know you went through some similar BS. Maybe we should avoid online dating for a bit?

[manji123]

Ha! Yeah maybe. Ready for some real irony? My was from link removed as well. Da da Dunnnnn!

[bichin]

Actually, yes, I do. I don't consider myself ' good' at online dating. I consider it common sense to check up on someone when she says she's not using her profile anymore, to see if she's telling you the truth. If that is "stalking" then, uh...

 

Maybe I am a dinosaur then, but if a man watched my online activities I would feel very uncomfortable. Couldn't the woman in question simply be on another dating site? Are you going to check them all? You are looking for security where there is none. Human relations are inherently risky so wouldn't it be more beneficial to deal with your fears as if they are yours and have nothing to do with anyone else? Insecurity in a potential date/partner/whatever is a huge turn off for the many women, although I do not pretend to speak for them all. Good luck!

[magnoliatree]

I think she feels pressured by you and isn't super excited by you, isn't a good communicator and it manifested itself as a bad mood. I think you need to take some steps back because she clearly wants space. I think a lot of people are really bad at reading how a date is going and my take from Friday to Saturday is this: She wasn't sure that she wanted to keep seeing you, went out with you, had a nice enough time but still wasn't sure, but then when she woke up and realized she had to see you AGAIN the next morning regretted agreeing to the date, hope for the best, but when she was with you realized she didn't want to be there.

 

I don't think she has mental problems, I just think she's in no way as interested in you as you are in her. I mean you met online, have only been dating a month or so and "a few" weeks ago you tell her that you are only dating her (so after what just 2 weeks of dating?) and then check her profile from a fake one? That's a lot of pressure especially if you meet online! And I'm sure she can feel it. You have to learn how to calibrate how pushy/fast things move based on mutuality because if you both aren't super excited, it's going to become offputting.

[banal]

Honestly, this comes the closest I think, even though it doesn't make much sense, either, because she initiated as many dates as I did, AND she recommended that we spend both Friday and Saturday together, AND she kept telling me how much she liked me. BUT (not sure why I'm capitalizing all of these conjunctions) with that said, I think you might be right, that she was forcing the action a bit and not as interested as she was leading me to believe. This interpretation makes the most sense, and her actions certainly lead to it, despite what she had told me. Thanks. I don't think I would've done anything differently, because she didn't lead me to think I should've. When I'd get home from a date and text her something along the lines of "thanks for a nice evening, good night" and she'd respond "let's get together again soon" I wasn't going to decline. That's the reason I feel so confused, like had there been signs that she wasn't that into me then, yeah, I would get it. It'd make total sense. But those signs simply did not exist.

 

I told her I was seeing only her in response to her comment that she really liked me and felt herself to be very compatible with me. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her that I agreed, based on what little we knew of each other, and to say that I had stopped seeing anyone else (which was true).

[banal]

Maybe I am a dinosaur then, but if a man watched my online activities I would feel very uncomfortable. Couldn't the woman in question simply be on another dating site? Are you going to check them all? You are looking for security where there is none. Human relations are inherently risky so wouldn't it be more beneficial to deal with your fears as if they are yours and have nothing to do with anyone else? Insecurity in a potential date/partner/whatever is a huge turn off for the many women, although I do not pretend to speak for them all. Good luck!

 

When discussing the weirdness of online dating, I always bring up that I have fake profiles and dummy accounts, and that I use them to look up people in my area, to see if my friends / neighbors / co-workers are looking for love. No one has though it weird, or articulated that it's weird, and one of my dates confessed to doing the same thing. No, I don't tell my dates, "I have this fake profile that I use to check up on you every so often!" And, no, I don't make a habit of it. In fact, I only checked Saturday night because the date had been so atrocious that I felt she may have been looking to see other people again - and it seems like I was right. I hadn't done it at all up to that point and had just trusted that, when she said she only wanted to see me, that she had meant it.

[bichin]

When discussing the weirdness of online dating, I always bring up that I have fake profiles and dummy accounts, and that I use them to look up people in my area, to see if my friends / neighbors / co-workers are looking for love. No, I don't tell my dates, "I have this fake profile that I use to check up on you every so often!" And, no, I don't make a habit of it. In fact, I only checked Saturday night because the date had been so atrocious that I felt she may have been looking to see other people again - and it seems like I was right. I hadn't done it at all up to that point and had just trusted that, when she said she only wanted to see me, that she had meant it.

 

And you don't see this as spying? Aren't other people's love lives none of your business? If you know them, why not just ask them about their relationships? Do you think this hobby is common? I can't imagine what type of woman would find your interest in the personal business of others intriguing.

[magnoliatree]

In fact, I only checked Saturday night because the date had been so atrocious that I felt she may have been looking to see other people again - and it seems like I was right. I hadn't done it at all up to that point and had just trusted that, when she said she only wanted to see me, that she had meant it.

 

In your first post, you say that it wasn't an exclusivity discussion. If that's the case, then it is totally within the realm of possibility that she told you the truth, but that that changed later as neither of you was promising anything, just stating what you were doing right then.

[banal]

And you don't see this as spying? Aren't other people's love lives none of your business? If you know them, why not just ask them about their relationships? Do you think this hobby is common? I can't imagine what type of woman would find your interest in the personal business of others intriguing.

 

Sure, if you want to think of it as spying, feel free. As for what type of woman...all of my ex girlfriends have done the same type of "spying" or have encouraged me to do so. This is the post-Google Generation. It's common to look up what people you know are doing.

 

Maybe you are just a dinosaur.