can't take it, don't know what to do.

[ella44224]

I posted my story a few weeks ago and everyone told me that I needed to give him space ...I've been in no contact going on 4 weeks now but things are getting worse not better. I don't understand what's happening. The last 2 weeks have been hell, almost as bad as the first days after the break up. Through out this whole ordeal I have been trying SO hard to be happy to get my life back but the more time passes the further I sink into this sadness. I get no happiness out of the things I used to love doing, all I look forward to is going to sleep and I feel so completely alone in the world and hopeless. I feel like there is nothing to look forward, all i can see is this endless expanse of sadness. I've been putting on a happy face for a couple weeks now and everyone thinks I'm okay and over it but I'm not, it's worse then ever. I must have cried at least 15 times today, deep hysterical crying. He broke up with me a month and a half ago and I'm still this upset? How can this even be normal. I feel like my life is over.

 

I realized over the past few weeks that my insecurities are what killed us. Deep down I always felt like he was too good for me, too nice, too attractive and I think I always feared losing him, actually was terrified of it. When he left for the summer those insecurities amplified and I couldn't give him his space even when he was stressed and needed it. It's all my fault, and I wish I could tell him this and fix it or something because I feel like I've lost the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I came SO close to texting him about an hour ago to ask if we could at least be friends but I was too scared to even send it. Scared of what he would say, scared because I don't want to be just friends and saying that might jeopardizes the future. I just fear that he hates me now and I could never hate him. I don't know when to contact him and I don't know what to even say when I do. I would appreciate any insight or opinions anyone could offer, I'm so lost.

[xiRoCb294]

Aww hey, listen to me. I've been in your shoes before... I got dumped by an ex-boyfriend because of my insecurities... I think I was probably the craziest, most jealous, insecure, clingy, and needy girlfriend on the face of the planet lol. It was THAT bad. Getting over the break up was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had, but you know what? I've come out stronger because of it. If it wasn't for the relationship + the subsequent breakup, I never would have realized how insecure I really was. I never would have been able to work on myself and make some self-improvements.

 

Believe me, I know how badly it hurts right now, and it's perfectly okay to just let yourself cry it out... Don't beat yourself up for your insecurities. Just realize that you have the power to make changes right now, and if you ever, ever want a chance to get back with him, then you need to give yourself the proper time and space to heal and make those changes. Try not to focus too much of your attention on him.You don't need to tell him you're sorry. So what if you're sorry? That doesn't change anything, the past is still in the past, and the harsh reality is that he is already gone. The best way to apologize is through action, so make use of this time to make positive changes in yourself and it'll make a big difference in how you feel right now, trust me!

[ariadni]

Know exactly how you feel. I'm going through the same thing NC really hurts but i think if you try everyday or at least once a week to do something new (hobbies, going to a different restaurant, club, gallery etc) then you're allowing yourself room to grow and know new happiness. Separate to your relationship.... which in turn... makes you more attractive, if you are happy on your own first. Not sure of your story, but It's great you've gone 4 weeks without contact, maybe wait another week or 2 and consider calling in a non stressful way (don't talk about relationship issues) and invite him to coffee? sort of a friendly offering. Usually that is received well and shows your not petty and genuinely care about how your previos partner is going. hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

[Thorshammer]

I can really relate. I was actually pretty tough, but today for some odd reason I been depressed. Its been 4 weeks, the third week was my best, and now i feel like i am back on the first and second week. Old ex girlfriends who come back NOW just annoy me. Going out isnt fun anymore. It sucks.

[ella44224]

Thanks guys, it always helps me to post on here and read everyone's responses. Thorshammer, it helps to know that even the toughest of us have our bad days. And I know what you mean about going out not being fun anymore, I'd rather be home in most cases but when I'm home I feel like I want to be out. Can't win.

[ella44224]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who had insecurity effect their relationship to the breaking point, I feel like such a failure. And now I just feel even more insecure, with lower self esteem than ever because I was just dumped. You're right I need to make some changes in myself. I've been trying but it's hard to know where to begin but I'm going to do as you suggested and begin by apologizing through action and help myself. I would give/do anything to change things right now and I guess my self esteem is a good place to start. Thanks

 

aradni, I'd also like to thank you for your advice too and I wish you best of luck with your NC, I'm so sorry to know you're going through the same thing! It's awful. and like you said when I do try and get in touch I'm,just going to try and make it non stressful as possible and general. Hope I make it long enough. I'm feeling a bit better today but night time for me is the worst so we'll see. Thanks so much.

[xiRoCb294]

Yeah it definitely takes time. Some days will be easier than others, but just know that we're all here for you if you never need some more encouragement feel free to send me a private message if you ever need somebody to talk to

[ella44224]

I just messed up really bad and I don't know where to turn so I'm writing back on this thread.I can't believe I did this. I've ruined everything. After a month of NC I just texted him. There's really no excuse but I was cleaning and found his shirt he must have left awhile back...I got really upset and texted him. I said I was sorry for what happened this summer and that I was working on things with myself and he didn't deserve the stress I put on him during that time. That was about 30 minutes ago, he hasn't answered. I don't think he ever will. I seriously hate myself at this moment. All my hard work for nothing. He for sure thinks I'm crazy now, obsessive and needy now that I've contact him after this time. What is wrong with me. I ruin everything.

[thelastsong]

I just messed up really bad and I don't know where to turn so I'm writing back on this thread.I can't believe I did this. I've ruined everything. After a month of NC I just texted him. There's really no excuse but I was cleaning and found his shirt he must have left awhile back...I got really upset and texted him. I said I was sorry for what happened this summer and that I was working on things with myself and he didn't deserve the stress I put on him during that time. That was about 30 minutes ago, he hasn't answered. I don't think he ever will. I seriously hate myself at this moment. All my hard work for nothing. He for sure thinks I'm crazy now, obsessive and needy now that I've contact him after this time. What is wrong with me. I ruin everything.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself! Everyone makes mistakes, and you aren't the only one to break NC in a moment of weakness. What you did doesn't sound that bad anyways.

 

You're a wonderful person, and you don't need his or anyone else's validation. You've got to learn to love and accept yourself, flaws and all.

[ella44224]

Thanks for the quick reply, it means a lot. He answered back a few minutes ago just saying: "okay? I guess that's good." I'm assuming I probably shouldn't reply. I wish he'd have never answered at all. I want to say something back but I don't even know what I would say. I thought he would at least accept the apology. He doesn't seem to care at all. I was hoping we"d get back together but obviously no amount of time will help, he wants nothing to do with me...this hurts.

[hausser]

Aww hun I feel for you. I felt rough at the 4 week stage too. Well, the second time around.

 

I don't think replying to him will help tbh, I too thought my ex would come back. Hear you on the being upset when finding their belongings, my apartment is free of them now almost all thank god.