Matt_P Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I think i have some emotional/mental problems with letting go, but i'm not sure if it's just my opinion on these situations or if other people (you lovely lot) will agree... I broke up with a girl about 3/4 months ago. I was in quite an amazing relationship with her for about a year, but due to a few things such as location issues, we ended up breaking up. It was my decision and she agreed, but wasn't entirely happy about it. About a month later she got a job in the city we met in (i've moved back to my hometown just now). In the time we went out, she met a few of my friends. Now she's hanging out with one of my best male friends in the city. Apparently they go for drinks after work sometimes. I spoke to him about it and said it bothered me a bit. He said he could understand why but he wasn't going to stop doing it, just that he would not tell me about it if it bothered me. He also assured me it would always be platonic. So has she. But it's bothering me tonight to a ridiculous extent. I'm going to sleep pretty uncomfortably. Another of my male friends is actually living with an ex who i was with for 7 years. I'm still not over her at all, and that winds me up too but i'm getting over it as it's been almost a year now since they started living together. I'm currently with someone else. I sometimes think i shouldn't be. It started off as casual but has become more involved. I don't think i can do casual. Am i being irrational about all this? Is it okay for friends to spend time/live with your ex? I mean, surely this is going to bother most people, right? Link to comment
camus154 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 That's really all up to you, but generally speaking.... OF COURSE. Get new friends. These ones you have now are crap. Link to comment
Matt_P Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 It is a bit off though, right? I don't think i would go hanging out with a friend's ex. It just doesn't seem right. And i also wouldn't have done that before this happened to me. It just complicates things. I think the bit that bothers me a lot about this one just now is that my ex and i agreed to still be friends, and i think that will happen but we are taking a break for a few months until the emotions settle down. But in the meantime my friends get to hang out with her? Just seems quite unfair. One of my best, most understanding and thoughtful friends is going to meet up with her when she goes into the city to get her wedding dress. Like, they're going to look together. This friend has helped me on a daily basis for ages about all of my problems and she sees it as okay to go hang out with my ex too. Which makes me double back on myself and wonder if i really am being too sensitive about it? Link to comment
camus154 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 It all depends on the friend. I'm curious why your male friend told you he wouldn't stop hanging out with her...what possible loyalty does he have towards her that he doesn't have towards you? If I were your friend and you told me it made you uncomfortable, I wouldn't do it. Because you're my friend and I respect that. If we had all three been friends for the same amount of time, that's different. Link to comment
Matt_P Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Yeah, that's how I feel. As a friend, I'll do what my friend wishes, within reason. But there, the loyalty should surely lie with me. He met her only a couple of times when I was with her. Now that they live near each other, they go for drinks and if I'm not cool with it then I should just not ask about it? Link to comment
xiRoCb294 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Yes it does seem pretty unfair to you I would talk to your friend about it, if I were you Link to comment
Forget Myself Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I agree, Get new friends. Friends who go out with your ex's are not good friends. These are boundaries they shouldn't step over, mostly to benefit your own healing. They are being entirely selfish. Would it be ok if you started dating one of their ex's? Probably not. Link to comment
king6 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Get new friends. These ones you have now are crap. I second. Id never go out with any my friends Ex's. Unless I didnt intend on keeping that friend. Link to comment
SeekFortitude Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 If you dumped them and you could care less, then its OK for your friends to talk to them, but even then it could be a bit dicey. However, anything to the contrary AIN'T cool. Your "friends" are clearly not your friends. Link to comment
Benville Posted August 25, 2011 Share Posted August 25, 2011 Friends ex's are a completely no-go territory. I'd question the friends more than the ex here. Link to comment
Matt_P Posted August 25, 2011 Author Share Posted August 25, 2011 Well, i confronted both of them. I mainly spoke to my ex about how it hurt me and she said she understood and would stop seeing him immediately. My friend also said he'd stop seeing her, it wasn't a big deal, but I would have to explain to her why so he didn't have to deal with the awkwardness. I thought about it rationally, I looked at the big picture, I dealt with it in my head for a few hours. They were both willing to stop seeing each other just like that, for me. I thought about this and realised that it clearly doesn't mean that much to either of them to meet up for drinks and it truly was just a casual, friendly thing. Not wanting to be the negative person to stand between something so light and casual, i decided it would be nice for my ex to have a friend i trusted look out for her where i couldn't. And i do trust him to not do anything to hurt me, and i trust her too. So i apologised to both of them, but re-explained why it bothered me. They both agreed and insisted on not seeing each other if it bothered me so much. So i retracted the statement and said i didn't mind anymore. Dealt with. In a fairly adult manner, and one i guess i feel proud of. But, it has made me re-evaluate my friendship with my friend a little. I will be less willing to respect his feelings in the future, in the sense that mine will come first. This is just the way it goes i guess. Thank you everyone Link to comment
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