Not a straight forward breakup, not sure how to get him back. Sorry a long post!

[JoeyBear]

Hello everyone

I’m fresh to a very painful breakup and would like to air my situation and hopefully get some advice.

My situation is quite complicated and not sure which of the ‘rules’ apply.

When I met my ex about a year ago, I was recovering from being cheated on and had some real trust issues. However as I got to know him, as much as I tried to resist it, I fell for him completely, heart body and soul. We became completely inseparable, best friends and I have never felt love like it.

About 3 months in, I was looking to find a new house because the rent on my existing place was crippling me. As I was house hunting, my ex suddenly found out his work contract was not being renewed and he couldn’t make the rent . As we seemed to be spending every night together anyway, I moved into his shared house as it seemed the logical solution.

My ex suffers from an anxiety disorder, which when we first moved in, he had under control. He’s a very disciplined guy, he plays the piano for hours a day, he was in peak physical fitness until he got bad with anxiety again and kicked smoking years ago.

Over time, we got into this horrible cycle of me being frustrated at him because he closed off to me because of his anxiety, which makes me hurt and when I was hurt I got angry (perpetuated my old feeling of hurt from the previous relationship) I’d try and make him see he was hurting me which resulted in another panic attack... which made him more withdrawn... and the cycle spiralled.

It had got to the point where he told me that he wanted us to live apart. He said that he’d move out and live off his credit cards for a while. I tried to talk him out of this, trying to think of ways to break our cycle but the tensions were still there. Three weeks ago I moved out into my own place. I felt pretty wobbly about this but he assured me that we would still be together most nights and how this was actually a huge step forward.

What actually happened was that he didn’t come round much because his panic attacks had got so bad that he was struggling to leave his room and was on strong sedatives by this point. I got upset with him this... the same cycle... a big row erupted.... and finally on the Friday just gone, he came over and said that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

He blames me for our problems, says I need to deal with my anger and learn to love myself more. I agree that there were times where I took all my bitter woes out on him again and again which I bitterly regret now I have lost him.

Although I should have seen it coming, it has absolutely shattered me. My parents picked me up that night and I was shaking, sobbing and vomiting all night.

On the Sunday he popped around to my place (after much persuading). I cooked him dinner, but I couldn’t help but try and hold him which he rejected. I just broke down in hysterical tears. He stayed me a while then left.

On Monday, I some how got to the office but all day I was texting him, and calling him on my breaks in tears, begging for a chance to reconcile.

On Monday night I started reading about how to deal with this and made a decision to stop being a destructive fool, to get myself together, to start NC and focus inwards for a while.

Today I intentionally left my mobile phone at home. I didn’t want the text message temptation.

I went to see my friend’s starigt after work and finally got back in tonight about 10pm.

Not contacting him today was TORTURE but I did it. I am proud and was starting to feel a tiny bit better.

However, I came home tonight and find, I’d had a missed call from him. 24 hours NC and he’s tried to call me. I haven’t responded.

Here are the facts.

He says he still loves me. He’s said this lots since he ended things. He can’t be with me because how ill our relationship is hurting his health, he says.

I have tried to talk to him about a “break” rather than a split but he won’t hear of it. He says he can’t think about the future, he just needs to get better right now – and that we are over.

During our somewhat contentious text message exchanges, he sometimes refers to me by my pet name and ends a message with an ‘x’.

He says he doesn’t trust me not to hurt him again. He says he doesn’t hate me.

He says he wants to still be friends and that he cares for me an awful lot.

When I saw him on Sunday, although he was holding back, there was still awful lot of warmth in his hugs.

Tonight, he called my best friend (male) to ask him for some help with a web development project he had started but needed help with. This had been roughly arranged before he split but he called my friend (note, MY friend, my ex doesn’t know him well really) to arrange doing it together still. I was in the room at the time when he called. My ex didn’t know I was there. He didn’t ask after me, but he still called him?!

I love my ex to bits. Despite our problems, he is the only guys in my 30 years I would actually agree to marry. I saw a future with him.

I think we both need a break from each other, maybe a month or so and then start dating slowly again and take it from there. When I spoke to him yesterday in tears, this fell on deaf ears.

I want him healthy. I want this to be better. I want the love of my life back in my arms.

Do I carry on with NC? Will it just panic him? How do I fix this mess?

 

J