Stuff retrieval and healing processes reset.

[TakingtheBlame]

Sigh. So it's been roughly a month and a half since my boyfriend broke up with me suddenly and for no good reason, citing a lot of nonsense including "gut feelings" and the relationship having run its course (not even sure what that means, now that I think about it) and apologizing for the "abrupt ending" of us. We haven't spoken at all since that break-up conversation, during which I asked if some time down the road I could call him just to say hi and he dismissed me with a shrug and a "meh." He still had some of my stuff at his apartment but it wasn't anything irreplaceable (a pair of cheap thrift store pumps, a Megadeth concert t-shirt from my college days, a hair dryer...) so I didn't even bother to ask for it back and figured he could do whatever he wanted with it. Deep down I hoped he'd just throw my stuff away or pack it up somewhere for future reference, and that I wouldn't hear from him again. As time went on it seemed less and less likely.

 

Anyway, lo and behold, this past Sunday evening, I get a pleasant e-mail from him wishing me well and asking if I'd like him to return my stuff and whether I'd prefer he bring it to me at work or mail it to me. Of course, this set my healing back to the start and all of a sudden I find myself falling into this panicky, depressed state again, rehashing our last conversation, trying to figure out what I can handle and what I can't, once again irrationally searching myself for some fundamental flaw that would cause a guy to just move on from me for no good reason (I've confirmed via mutual friends that there isn't another romantic partner in the picture either.) Just a basic stew of emotions and pain. I e-mailed him back a short and sweet "Bring it to my office, but not Monday, I'm busy." Despite, of course, once again wanting to go off on a spiel about why he chose to leave the way he did and whether he's happy with his decision. He responded in an annoyingly light-hearted manner, incorporating foreign-language words in his response in a sort of jokesy fashion, which hurt me and pissed me off, considering how he so cavalierly tossed aside my request for friendship during the break-up. Anyway, as it stands, we are apparently meeting up tomorrow, probably really quickly and during our lunch hour, so he can give me my stuff.

 

That being said, I feel horrible. I didn't want him to just mail my stuff because I think, deep down, I don't want him to be "meh" about me. I want him to have to face me whenever he can and feel guilty for what he's done. I know, intellectually, that he probably won't (or if he does, it won't make him change his mind about us, at least not now.) But I dunno. I just feel so broken and I still don't really have my answers.

 

I don't really know how to handle this stuff hand-off. I still don't feel totally clear on why things broke down and on how he feels/felt about me. I don't know if I should just grab my stuff and say have a nice life, if I should see whether he's gained any perspective on why we couldn't work out long term, if I should be pleasant, if I should be cold. I just don't know.

 

Advice?

[In the Dark]

The thing is he did write the relationship and you off as nothing.

Doesn't want your friendship and would rather not see or hear from you until he decides he wants to.

He has been totally vague about the reasons why he decided to up and lave you.

Either way it is most probably nothing you want to hear.

 

You should have just let him mail the stuff to you as it seems there is nothing in the way of the emotions you want to see from him and that is most likely how it's going to be when yu meet eye to eye.

 

Some men can be really tough like that.

As I mentioned in another thread men are expected to be like rocks, and this is most likely what he is going to pull.

 

My advice is to make this strictly like a business transaction, as if you were to get a parcel from a courier.

[thejigsup]

For whatever reason, he has absolutely no feelings for you and no guilt. I have completely lost feelings for someone in the past and I still don't know why it happened, but it is nothing you said or did. I would have had him mail you the stuff. You aren't going to enjoy seeing him. He will feel no guilt, no regret, and will actually be happy. I felt nothing but relief and that is what he is feeling. Do you really want to see that?

[TakingtheBlame]

I spontaneously lost feelings for someone once, too...when I was 20. And a commitment-phobe. And incredibly immature. Looking back on that incident, and realizing how lucky that boyfriend was to be rid of the confused, selfish person that I was then, I guess I can take that as some consolation. Nowadays, I understand that feelings will always ebb and flow but if one's priority is to be in a long term, stable relationship, one will communicate and attempt to grow instead of jumping ship. A grown man who can just lose feelings and be happy leaving a good thing (i.e. act like a 20 year old girl) is probably way more broken and/or childishly idealistic than my ideal partner would be, anyway.

 

I do suspect there is more to it than that, but I guess the end result is the same. He doesn't want me in his life in any capacity despite the fact that I was the most serious girlfriend he's ever had (and I was a damn good one too.) This has always been his pattern. He's done it before, he did it to me, and he'll probably do it again.

 

That aside, you're both right...it wouldn't do any good to see him, I suppose. Maybe I'll just send him a quick note saying I've changed my mind, just mail me my damn stuff. Probably for the best.

 

Thanks!

[TakingtheBlame]

Welp, update (more for my sanity and venting than for the sake of replies, really, though replies are always welcome. Kind of need to get it all out on paper.)

 

I met up with him during my lunch hour (didn't have the heart to ask him to mail my stuff; funny that I should be the one who cares about having a heart.) He gave me my stuff and I figured he'd give me the cold shoulder just like when we broke up. But nope. He decided to sit around and catch up with me. I was surprised, to be honest, especially after he blew off my attempts at friendship the first time. I kept hinting that I just wanted to sit in the park and drink my coffee and shouldn't he get back to work? But he just kept saying no, it's fine, he wants to hang out for a bit. Eventually, I told him it was a shame we couldn't just be this way anymore and just waste time at lunch like we used to. He said we should get lunch some time, and then added that we should catch a football game in a few weeks when his work got less busy (football used to be our thing; the preseason has really sucked without him, I'm not gonna lie.) Feeding me lines? Probably. But certainly a far cry from where we were a month and a half ago. I wonder if this is what thejigsup meant when she talked about him acting happy and relieved. But though seeing him hurt me terribly (not being able to kiss him hello or hold his hand sucked, as expected, though he did hug me and held on for awhile,) not feeling completely shut out by him felt good. I don't really want to be friends for now, it hurts too much. But I think it's interesting how different his attitude towards me is now than it was when he broke up and he was so meh about a future friendship.

 

I wonder what's up. But I guess I shouldn't wonder too hard. It's just so hard to believe that he's standing there talking to me just like he always did (he was never very affectionate anyway, even while we were dating) and yet somewhere deep inside, his heart has just gone cold. It almost feels, to me, like we could just start again where we left off and there wouldn't even be any difference. People are weird.

[Tanzi]

I think its fair to say that a lot of ex's (dumpers) go through a "have I done the right thing" stage. At that point they are probably missing the companionship, the friendship, the comfort and all the other things that a relationship brings with it, there really is more to a relationship that just sex, love and commitment. It can be a confusing time for a dumper too and they often find themselves reaching out for the things that they are missing ... but whether the love is still there or not is a different matter.

 

All you can do for now is to NOT over-analyse things too much and take it that until he says otherwise all you can do is accept that things are still over and keep on moving forward.

[TakingtheBlame]

Thanks for your response, a-little-blue. I hear ya; I'm pretty good friends with most of my exes so I know from experience how little it means as far as romance is concerned when an ex is civil. I've just always had trouble accepting that people just stop feeling something for someone they took seriously at one point, especially now that he's acting pleasant around me again and not cruel the way he acted when he left. I know everyone says it happens but it just doesn't happen that way for me (and I've never seen it happen in my family or in my friends' families either; guess those people have just all been luckier than me.) I guess I have an idealized view on love and commitment and that, coupled with how good we were for each other and how seriously he seemed to take me at first, makes me want to believe that this can somehow work out despite the odds. But I won't count on it, as experience has taught me not to. Oh well.

[Larkin]

How does your suspicion that he might be gay play into all of this?

[TakingtheBlame]

How does your suspicion that he might be gay play into all of this?

 

Ah yes. There's that, too. I keep cycling between thinking of all the odd things he did during the relationship that triggered that suspicion all along, and thinking of the fact that there's absolutely no telling 100% that he is without concrete proof (gut feelings come in a close second but they're not as convincing as concrete proof.) So I guess you could say I'm very confused...it's difficult to set aside the fact that we had a comfortable, stable, supportive relationship for eight months and just accept completely that he left because of something that has not, and may never be, proven, if it is in fact true at all.

 

In any case, I guess there's something to be said for the benefits of not being with someone about whom I'd always have that conflict in the back of my mind of "is he or isn't he".....