Ex just rang me..

[lonelyheart2]

Ok so my ex just rang me but didn't say anything....he doesn't know I know it was him as I told him I deleted his number and everything...which I did but unfortunately I know the number off by heart...anyway so he sends a message to me asking how I'm doing and now this?....Why is he doing this?! If he misses me and wants me back could you just not tell me?

[SlowBlues]

That's the point. He probably does miss you but that does not mean that he wants you back. Like you said, would he not just tell you? This is his way of testing you to see if he still has a hold on you in case any of his other plans don't work out. Stay strong with no contact. Don't make yourself available at his beck and call when he wants. If he really wants you back then he'll make a better effort than these weak attempts at contacting you.

[lonelyheart2]

hmm good point. He is making weak attempts at contact. Don't worry I will not give in! I'm so glad ENA exists, it's so helpful!

[italiannmf24]

Nope. If he tells you he misses you, than he's giving you all of the power, and he really does not want to do that.

 

It's unfortunate, but love really is just a game sometimes.

[GrowingIn]

I think we dumpees have a problem with understanding the state of mind of the dumpers. First of all you should have at least said something about how long it's been and the circumstances of the break up if you want even half decent advice.

 

If it's been some time of NC, I don't understand why anyone on this forum would still be giving such poor advice. Yes it is likely he's still just playing around, and just wants to check up on you. But there is hardly any difference between how an ex who just wants to check up on you, and one who wants you back would initiate the conversation. They probably would both start with "how are you?"

 

YOU are stuck in the moment of the break up. THEY are not. You are the one that's spent most of your time analyzing the mistakes of each. They may have or may have not, and they may still see things differently than you. So you are the only one that's probably more aware of the mistakes, and they are not. And if you didn't get them to see your point of view during the break up, they sure as heck are unlikely to see it now, in order for them to begin the conversation with "hey I'm sorry about this, this, this and this.....". And even those that may have come to that realization....they are not going to strike up that conversation with that either.

 

If they are over you, that's why it's best to stay in NC and then move on before you have any contact with them. Because then you would just treat it only slightly different than when you meet a new date. "Hey how are you doing", typically means "hey how are you doing" and most times is answered with "fine, and you?" if you so choose to answer this person. If not, you just ignore it. And it typically just means they are interested in talking to you. They don't know how the heck you are going to respond, either!

 

We have a tendency to take this "interested in talking to you" contact and turning it into....well what they really want is to see if you are still around, or to come back to you, or to take you for a ride, etc, etc. Now imagine if this was your first date and someone said those words to you and you went...hmmm..."I wonder what it means? I bet he wants to take me out on a date, feed me chiken, massage my back, take me back to his place, have sex with me, maybe even have kids and marry me!"

 

You can only analyze it to a certain point. The rest of it is called LIVING LIFE! In this case though, you already know the type of person to expect and the type of experience you are likely to get out of it....so all you have to decide is between "i'm fine" and ignore. That's it.

[GrowingIn]

And I should say that if you are not detached enough in order to have a pleasant conversation, not analyze anything, and just be able to exchange 3 or 4 words and then not be bothered by anything so when you are done talking you can go back to living your life, smiling and going back to whatever you were doing before you got that message...including not be bothered if you ever get another message from this person again....then yes....you should probably just ignore.

 

So in your case, you should just ignore.

[lonelyheart2]

Yeah it's so annoying this need to analyze I am looking forward to when that is over! Yeah when he rang it was kind of hard not to just ignore seeing as he didn't say anything, I definitely won't be following it up with anything! I'm going to try and concentrate on the things I really need to do and treat it as just a random phone call nothing more.

[GrowingIn]

Yeah it's so annoying this need to analyze I am looking forward to when that is over! Yeah when he rang it was kind of hard not to just ignore seeing as he didn't say anything, I definitely won't be following it up with anything! I'm going to try and concentrate on the things I really need to do and treat it as just a random phone call nothing more.

 

Sure you are Too late for that. Besides, the idea isn't so you ignore your own feelings towards it. The idea is to bring you feeling towards it so you really do feel like that. But yes, adopting that mental attitude first and "faking" does seem to bring your feelings in line eventually. So do that for now....eventually you really want to be able to feel like that minus the denial.