Ugh! I hate when we have problems :(

[Madamdiva007]

Hi guys,

So I guess this is more of a vent than anything else. I just need someone to talk to. I apologize for the length and for all the misspellings. My spell check isn't working

 

Things between my bf have been wonderful lately! He has been so sweet, constantly telling me I'm his everything and the love of his life. He makes me feel so good and most of the time so secure. Most of the time. But tonight we had a very strange, not-so-good conversation. We didn't fight or anything, but it was just one of those pointless, frustrating conversations.

 

Money has been horribly tight for me lately. I am 22 years old, and completely self-sufficient. I work full-time, have my own apartment, car, pay all my own bills, etc. I moved into a place a few months ago that, in all honesty, was probably a little too much for me to afford right now. I also bought some furniture that I probably should have waited on buying. I'm barely sqeaking by. Lately it has had me a little down, I just hate being so incredibly limited, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I'm locked in, haha. Well, I think it has been putting a strain on my relationship. My bf is a good sport about it for the most part, but I can tell he gets a little annoyed. Things are tight for him too. He is just starting a new job, so he is having to be very careful about how he spends his money until he starts getting consistantly paid. He really does not have the means to help me out with bills or anything like that. I completely understand. We split the costs of food, and try to help each other out as much as we can when it comes to gas (I have a small car, he has a truck, so I drive the long distances).

 

Anyway, he has been so happy lately because of this new job, it really is a great opportunity for him and he certainly deserves it. I have been so stressed out over money, but I have been trying to hide it as much as possible, I don't want to bring him down. But tonight I got very upset about a major mix up that happened with my furniture payment, and he called me right after I found all of this out. I was crying, he asked what was wrong and I told him. I guess I let me emotions get the best of me, and said something along the lines of, " I understand how frustrating all of this must be for you, so if you don't want to deal with this anymore I understand". He didn't really understand what I meant, and started talking about other things, but I corraled him back to what I was saying. Instead of getting the reassurance I was looking for, he was just kind of wishy-washy with me, saying things like, " well it's not like we can just go and take a 2 week vacation together because of your job and because you don't have any money" and " I've never had to deal with anything like this before. Everyone I've been with has always had their own money." Not what I was wanting to hear. I told him that things would be better next year, my car and furniture would be paid off, my insurance would go down, and we were looking at moving in together then, which would also help out financially. He said that was a long time away and that a lot can happen between now and then, a lot can happen in a week. I understand what he is saying, I think he meant more along the lines of my car could break down and things like that, but still. It hurt. We hung up the phone, not necessarily on bad terms, but just kind of blah with each other.

 

We talked a little later on, I apologized for getting so emotional about the whole situation. I told him he just needs to bear with me for a few months, everything is going to work out. He said ok, but did seem a little preoccupied (maybe he was?). We did end the night with texts though saying " I love you", I initiated that after he texted me saying good night. Anyway, my insecurites have just been rising since that whole conversation. Most of the time, I feel like the perfect girl for him. He says things to make me feel that way, and I know I have most of the qualities he loves in a woman. He has told me before how I pretty much have everything he is looking for. But now I can't help but feel like he is going to find someone out there with more money, that can afford to do more things, and he is going to leave me for her. Someone that doesn't stress with these sorts of things, or has this financial baggage. I know I can't control the future. But when he says things like he did earlier tonight, it makes me question if he really feels like I could be the one for him. I know how frustrating it must be for him, but I feel like if he really loves me, he'll stick around even through the difficult times. I will add that he is 41. I never really think about the age-gap all that much, but I should probably mention it. For having a significant number of years between us, we do actually incredibly well together, we are on the same level in almost every way, shape and form. Every relationship has ups and downs, and he may be stressed about his new job and maybe was taking it out on me. I just wish he could tell me, "Baby, I love you. We are going to make this work. We will be ok. We will get through this. Next year, things will be better, for both of us." But I still just can't shake this feeling that someone better will come along that will have EVERYTHING he is looking for.

[myhonestanswer]

" I understand how frustrating all of this must be for you, so if you don't want to deal with this anymore I understand". He didn't really understand what I meant, and started talking about other things, but I corraled him back to what I was saying. Instead of getting the reassurance I was looking for, he was just kind of wishy-washy

 

 

That's because you're not being clear about what you want / need from him. I don't understand what you wanted to hear either.

 

Did you say this to him, meaning, 'if you want to break up I understand' hoping that he would say, 'no never!'. Because if so, that's really manipulative. You shouldn't say things, just to get people to say stuff back, you know. If you need his support you should say so, 'hon, I've had a really bad day, I could just do with a hug' or whatever. Don't try to back him into saying what you want to hear.

 

For one thing, it's a bit like mind reading. I mean, here I am guessing what you meant, and I might have got it totally wrong, as might he. You need to be clearer articulating what you want from a given situation.

 

As you get more confident telling him what you need, and receiving it, hopefully, your worry that someone else will come along will fade.