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The constant struggle of dealing with the pain and regret I feel over my ex has become overbearing – despite my best efforts it takes priority on the present. Just sharing my thoughts with people that will listen will help me a great deal.

My ex broke up with me around 10 months ago, via a phone call. I have not seen her again. We struggled with a long distance relationship, inexperience on both sides. A day after the break up, I tried to convince her to reconsider, as she seemed hesitant and unsure – another 24 hours passed and she said it was too late for her to turn back and expect me to forgive her.


I have had online contact with her for one month several months ago, which brought me equal joy (as I was communicating with her again) as it did upset (as we were apart) – but even though she made the first contact, she abruptly ended the chance for friendship one day, feeling that it was too difficult because of our past. I lost my composure and said some things that I regret.


The issue I mostly contend with is that during this contact she told me she regretted ending the relationship. In hindsight, I wondered if at this point she wanted me to try and put things right and take her back - but despite my desire to be with her once again I felt betrayed by her actions, had formed a negative view of her, and kept my inner most feelings to myself; possibly the reason why she cut me off was because I did not respond.


I feel trapped. Bitter. I need to do -something-. I've considered for months whether or not to send her a small email; to wish her well – but I don't want to appear desperate/weak/even needy, or disrupt her if she is happy in her life. I feel very deflated.


Thanks for reading.

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I think the only thing you can do is keep expressing how you feel to friends- and anonymously- and slowly move on. I have come to believe that love should be simple. If there are doubts, break-ups, it is best to leave it alone. I know that the expression 'moving on' is not very unattractive when you don't really want to 'move on'. Moving on means closing your heart to that person, like closing a jewellery box, becoming a bit cold for a while, having fun with your friends and slowly, when it feels right, contemplating other people in a romantic way. This is a struggle. I am in the same boat. I am in the closing the jewellery box phase and sometimes I want to be instantly in the getting together with someone else phase because I can't stand the pain and the uncertainty. Just have to have faith! It is always attractive to look back, it is also easier. All those memories on the one side and all that 'nothingness' on the other. It is an unequal contest. But EVERYBODY says that you must go against your instinct, you must be strong enough to turn your back on the tangible and face what appears to be an huge and frightening ocean. I too wish I wasn't in this situation. But you just have to put your armour on and face it with the belief, the faith, that you too will get to the other side.

ps. forgive the floral language

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At least you're getting your feelings out and letting some others into your story.


As for the e-mail, it's probably a bad idea. If you send it and she doesn't respond or give you a response that you're looking for, you'll only be delaying your healing and allowing more pain to overwhelm you. It's your job to understand that if she really wanted to come back, she would do it on her own. So, no matter what you do at this point, you'll only slow down your life by allowing her to control your emotions.


For example, if you contact her via e-mail, you two may have a couple of conversations here and there getting caught up on all the new happenings; but this will ultimately drive her away and leave you hanging onto her every word...once again.


Just know that you should be working on yourself instead of constantly trying to "save" your old relationship. Once you get your life back in order, have fully healed from the pain and are ready to hear something that may not suit you, you can contact her.

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Thanks for both of your responses, it is greatly appreciated and I feel a relief that I am able to share my thoughts so openly.


My ex lacks courage, after my outburst last time we spoke I'm certain she would believe I'd never want to speak to her again. I apologised straight away and pleaded that she was making a mistake and being brash, but she was adamant she could not handle missing me any longer and needed to cut loose. Shortly after, I text her a succinct - yet warm and heartfelt message, explaining that I would always wish for her happiness despite us not being together, and I will respect her decision. For a while I felt strong and a sense of pride at how; up until my small outburst, I showed honest characteristics of a strong-minded and brave -man-. This was significant because during our relationship I did not feel she respected me in that way, even though I was her "rock". I even completed my degree and earned the highest accolades just recently.


I am by no means obsessing, but there is a possibility we may bump into each other over the next few weeks, as she will be home for the summer. It would challenge every part of me to speak to her in person, but it is what I would prefer. I will certainly hold out on emailing her.


Once again, thanks for listening. Any more advice is always welcome.

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I'm having a difficult time as well and feel a good deal of regret. I actually neglected some of my goals during the two years we were together but I felt she was worth it... so once we split up, I was hit with not only the regret of losing sight of those goals, but also the pain of not having the person for whom I would have done anything if she'd simply shared her thoughts with me. I can't focus at work (at work now) and at the moment, I don't care if I ever do the things that I love. These are serious issues I know, and I have to make a conscious effort constantly just to be in the moment rather than simply being in it (hope that makes sense). My ex told me she wanted to have no regrets when we were splitting up... I thought she loved me. Maybe I thought wrong though she told me so 2 weeks ago after we saw each other for the first time in over a month. That was a bad move... my recommendation is to not contact her... and I'm having SUCH a difficult time doing what I'm suggesting to you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've re-read all the advice and I've not contacted her. Thanks for everybody's honesty.

Also, we didn't cross paths. She will be in a different city now, for a long time.


Recently, unlike the past, I've had moments of clarity and appreciation for the positive aspects of the relationship ending. The experience has made me stronger and to my surprise, I feel like I could be a great boyfriend to another woman and succeed in making her happy - like the times I experienced with my ex. My desire to feel happiness and love again could be the reason I've been back and forth considering emailing her - as she was my first love; but as I should know by now, she does not want to be with me! Why should I be the one to reach out to her when it was her decision to cut all communication? It's as if I am placing my own foot in the bear trap. Maybe I have been deluded for a while?


I plan to do more personal writing, documenting my experiences with her and how I felt in the past and feel now - what I have learned, etc. I believe it will give me closure and help draw a line under the relationship, something which I have desperately tried to do in the past. I want to look towards the future and focus on personal development. I have organised some other aspects in my life and I am finding it less draining to think positively when I am feeling low.


Thoughts welcome!

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