Feeling like it's inevitable, but i'm in love.

[schultz]

I'll try and make this brief. My girlfriend and I both have our problems, we've been together for almost 2 years now and have done things early in our relationship that have broken the trust. I know that a relationship without trust is pointless and so does she but we both love each other very much and provide each other the respect of not putting ourselves in positions where we can't be trusted. I know that deep down inside she knows i'd never do anything to hurt her even though when she's angry she blatantly points out that she doesn't trust me at all, and even though I let my mind wonder and create these ridiculous non-existent scenarios I know that she won't hurt me either and that I can sometimes think very unrealistically.

 

She does things that raise my suspicion, for example being secretive with her cellphone (however i've been pretty snoopy and have a tendency to hover over her phone when she's on it to see who she's texting, not what she's texting.) and hiding the screen when I come around it or instantly exiting a conversation. When I voice my concern she guilt trips me about it and states she does it because I get snoopy.

 

Well, September is coming and I'm starting a 3 year advanced diploma knowing that my financials are tight I still make it a priority to provide good times with my girlfriend (we just recently spent $600+ each to go to WEMF, a 3 days electronic music festival in a beautiful location that was worth every penny and was the best time of our lives.) However, she speaks of moving in together and while I want so badly to hop on this opportunity I also know that i don't work enough hours in the winter to be paying rent while affording college. She works as a bartender and doesn't have a winter job lined up just yet so it's not really too realistic for her either at the moment. She talks about wanting to leave this city and I've told her i'm all for it once I finish school i'll be wanting to move to toronto anyway but she's already voiced that she feels 3 years is a long time.

 

When she gets angry she blows up, she doesn't listen to a thing I say and she keeps telling herself things that aren't true only making herself more angry, it's impossible to talk to her or get through to her when she's angry and she treats me like complete * * * * when she is, she can ignore me for hours or even days, she can call me the worst names imaginable and tell me how annoying I am and tell me she hates me. She's been through some pretty * * * * ty ordeals in her childhood that have caused some sort of psychological disorder and that is something I've had to learn to cope with and these said traits are part of that disorder. I have a bit of an anger problem myself but I can't do half the things she does, trying to ignore her fails miserably within minutes.

 

I've made alot of changes in my life for this girl and it's like nothing is enough, when we're happy, we're the happiest couple you could ever imagine but when it blows up, it's huge.

 

I love this girl to death, and i know she loves me the same, but at the end of it all I still feel like we'd be better off separated, it's just I can't fully convince myself because there isn't anyone i'd rather share my life with.. yet at the same time I feel things are going to go downhill once i'm back in college because that lack of trust may escalate on both parts.

[Cheetarah]

What psychological disorder does she have? That you just have to learn to 'cope with'? Because you don't. And she doesn't. She could choose to get treatment. Mental illness is not an excuse to use your partner like a dump truck.

 

Regarding the text thing - If someone looked over my shoulder to see who I am texting, I would snap my phone shut as well. Not because I had anything to hide, but because that's creepy.

 

What was done that damaged the trust for both of you?

[schultz]

she's not seen a doctor about her disorder, but she acknowledges she has one. it's a severe anger problem where she can snap and be so angry and hurtful and not realize what she's doing. her sister has the same problem but more severe and takes medications for it, she got kicked out of the house for freaking out on her step-father.

 

she moved away to alberta for a 6 month job and we decided to continue our relationship, but while she was away i started talking to another girl (i never cheated on her, i just felt like it wasn't going to work with her being away and made a new friend, I told this girl I had a girlfriend and I made it clear I wasn't going to cheat on her but I knew she was interested in me. anyway she'd ended up moving back home for me a few months in and her parents didnt like me because of this (thinking i forced her to come back) and didnt want us to be together so we couldnt start hanging out right away and she ended up at a party. WELL at that party the girl i'd talk to who's ex boyfriend was friends with my girlfriend was at that party as well had told my girlfriend that i'd slept with that girl which wasn't true at all, and she was all drunk and messed up and ended up sleeping with another guy to spite me.

 

I forgave her for it because I felt I brought that on myself and that really changed our relationship for the better in a way because after that we really just started making our relationship a lot better (it was almost like a fresh start)

 

but deep down inside it still hurts and I still think about it and i still let myself get worked up and thats why I do little things like check to see who she's texting some times.

[MCXFactor]

Yeah. Well. The broken trust is a red flag from the start. Not to say that it can't be regained back. But it doesn't look like it's being done the proper way right now. And it seems like if even that. The only time you trust each other is when you're physically together. That's not how real trust works. And even though you don't know what she was doing on her phone. And she seemed to cover the screen in a seeming effort to hide it from you. That doesn't speak well either. Although you don't appear to have any direct evidence of what she was doing. That's still not trusting behavior and is unfair and not right.

 

And the angry out bursts she has. Saying all those things to you. And calling you all those names. Regardless of anger or whatever issues she went through. That's still not right for you to put up with. A better way needs to be found to deal with that.

 

And the opposites it seems that you have together surrounding your relationship. You're both the happiest when the things are going good. But are totally negative when things are going bad. That's not realistic either. There should be a balance of both. Both you're describing are extremes. One full to the end of each of them. There's no in between.

 

So how are you going to expect to progress by you doing what you'd said you'd both wanted to do. And the issues in the relationship are like this. Uh. I think they need to be addressed and tried to be done something about first. The other possible prospects should be put to the side for now. They require a strong foundation which is what you clearly don't have. You both know that. You want to move in together. That's not totally wise right now considering the issues. And you said something about you going to college. How is that gonna happen when you don't even trust each other.

 

I think you need to consider this some more.

[Cheetarah]

Well, given that you two made the choice to move forward in the relationship, you have to let that go. You have to, for the health OF the relationship. People who successfully continue on with their relationship after infidelity realize that A). Yes, it does take time to rebuild trust and certain dynamics will change, B). Throwing past infidelities in the face in the middle of arguments is a no-no, and C). You have to let go...Mistakes were made, but you can't run through the course of the relationship being paranoid. It's maddening and unhealthy and does nothing positive for the relationship or for your mental well-being.

 

Onto whatever she is dealing with mentally, acknowledging she has issues is not enough. Is she willing to see a mental health professional ABOUT them?

[schultz]

thanks for the advice guys, this relationship just needs some work. You're right about letting it go, it's in the past and happened before our relationship was as good as it is now. I know better than to throw it in her face, she's given me every reason to trust her. I think that a gradual build in trust has been occurring and I do believe that in time we will fully trust each other again, i'm just worried that she'll have suspicions while i'm in college and I don't want her to.

 

I am overly paranoid and I constantly over-think everything and I just want to learn to get past that state of mind, I'd seen a therapist and her best advice was to just try and stay positive and that the chances of my girlfriend sitting there right in front of me texting another guy are very unlikely.

 

i geuss the person with the real problem is me, because I can't get past my over-thinking and over-analyzing everything.

 

she knows she needs to see a professional but she doesn't want to talk about what happened, its extremely personal but I understand fully because she's told me, it's something we will work out together in time and i'm slowly helping her seek professional help when we feel she is ready to talk about it.