In a bad situation.

[skatealexia]

Hello,

 

Basically when I have no other means of solving a problem I turn to this forum for advice, but this is perhaps the worst situation I have been in. I currently study a degree in the UK that means I can't get a job whilst studying due to the work experience commitments of the course. I rely very heavily on the funding I receive forom the government to be able to live and afford all the course costs with travelling to and from work experience places. The income I get is determined by my parents income, and my dad is threatening to increase his work hours so that I don't get any income forcing me to quit my degree because I have no way I can earn enough to be able to do the degree, he also says to me 'don't come home' and ' he will disown me' over trivial things such as I wanted to leave some paperwork in my car and my dad was like no it will get broken into, which was said in the way of ' do you want your car to get broken into thick.' He has also wished me dead on one occasion. I don't really know what to do... he is so emotionally abusive and I'm so scared he will ruin any dreams I have and my future.

[Vinkara]

Why is it that he is threatening all those things? Why is he so mad with you? Or has it always been like this?

[skatealexia]

Its always been like this. He is threatening this because I left my jacket for tomorrow and some paperwork for my placement on the backseat of my car, and when he came back from somewhere he was like do you want your car to get broken into and I said I wanted to leave it in there for tomorrow and had left it in there for the past four weeks, that is it. I tried to explain why and I was wrong as usual.

[skatealexia]

Its like if he doesn't get what he wants he gets abusive and emotionally blackmails me.

[RedDress]

I don't know the rules in the UK, but I know the rules in Canada and I will assume they are the same.

 

Unfortunately, under the age of... 25 (?)... you are still tied to your parents in this way, even if they are estranged. If your parents are millionaires and have kicked you out and refuse to help with schooling? Too bad for you. I know this, unfortunately, because I checked myself. I had been living on my own for 5 years with NO dependency on my parents - but if I wanted financial aid through the school, I could not get it without declaring my parent's income.

 

You should check with a financial advisor at your school to be sure, but unfortunately, I encountered this issue as well.

 

So... you have two options (or, at least, I did)

 

1) Suck it up and play by their rules, even if they are crazy. They want you to walk back and forth with your jacket? Walk back and forth with your jacket. This, if you can handle it, is the best option. Just think to yourself that it's only another few years and you will be done school. You've dealt with it for 19 years... another 3-4 and you are gone.

 

2) Move out. Unfortunately, this means that school will likely need to go on hold while you make a living in some other way. This will take you much, much longer to reach your goals.

 

Take the above with a grain of salt, though. The rules may be different in the UK. Your best bet is to make an appointment with a financial advisor at the school. You aren't the first one with this problem... if there is a way out, they will know what it is.

 

Best of luck!

[Vinkara]

Your father has an anger problem. Even though he is your father, in this situation he definitely doesn't know best.

My guess is that he has trouble letting you go. All the things he gets mad about ultimately have to do with your autonomy and independence as an adult. It's hard for him to accept that you are not his little girl anymore - you've grown up.

 

In his heart, he probably misses you, but he can't even admit it to himself so he covers it up with anger ("don't come home", etc.). He must be very scared of losing you while in fact treating his "little girl" very poorly, almost like a possessive husband.

 

You should tell him exactly what you wrote in your post - that you are scared of your dreams and your future being ruined. Aim for reconciliation. Tell him how important those are to you, and while you understand that he would very much like to be closer to you, it is not worth doing at the expense of his daughter's happiness.