She's Back - Do I want her? How do I proceed

[jackdillard]

Read backstory on this forum titled something like "i said some things to hurt her, how to fix"

 

So I told her to never contact me again the night she broke the news to me. She writes me a text the next day and says she wrote me a note on facebook. I don't respond and don't read that note. Later that same night, in my toughest hour I literally see her that night at a nightclub with the guy she is now dating at the table next to us (a sick joke of a coincidence). I briefly say hi and ignore them the rest of the night (she sees me with a very pretty girl I was with). I NC all week and find out she is now 'in a relationship' with this guy on facebook through our mutual friend. Last night the mutual friend says she asked her for my # and friend said "no, I don't want you to have it we've lost a lot of respect for you." I get this email this morning:

 

"Because I simply have no other way of getting ahold of you - trust me

I tried - I will be writing you this email. I know there isn't anything I can say to make you understand how sorry I am. I was wrong, in everything. You on the the other hand were nothing short of amazing and treated me with the utmost respect. I told you before and I'll say it again, I have never met anyone like you, and I don't think I ever will.

Though my words are pretty much shot to * * * * because of my actions, I have convinced myself I have to let you know how I feel and what really happened. I met the other guy previous to you and I ever meeting one another. We remained just friends until after we had our "falling out" and my feelings for you began to change. It was then and only then did I begin talking to him with more than friend intentions. You need to know the time we spent together was real and you were the only man consuming my thoughts. You were never "option B", you were my priority.

Not that it matters, but I ended things with the other guy. And the first and only thing I thought of when I was doing so was you. I regret giving up something great for something so artificial. I don't deserve you or what you have to offer so this is just my genuine apology. I'm sorry I hurt you and caused you to think twice. If I never hear from you again I understand, you just need to know that you have an incredible hold on me and have left an outlasting impression on me. I want this to be what you think of when and if you ever think of me. You'll be the one that got away.

 

I wish you the best in everything you do."

 

* * * !?!?!? I knew this was going to happen. Not sure how I feel at this point. I still have all the same feelings I had for her but now we have lots of trust issues to rebuild. Should I ask to meet and talk over coffee or something? What are my considerations as I proceed here?

[aulelia]

This one is difficult - she is not explicitly saying that she wants a reconciliation but she is apologising and showing remorse. Is she trying to wash away her guilt? Maybe.

 

I don't like the idea of you asking for anything whether that's a coffee meet-up - why can't she say it?

 

Can you make the font bigger of the email - it's hard to read.

[Doofus]

Hmmm.... it's not clear to me she wants to try again with you. She might, but she doesn't say so explicitly here. I'd write back, but keep it short. Something like 'thank you for taking the time to write.' She can reply to that and be more specific about what she'd like, aside from wanting you to think well of her. I think you need to make her do more work than that if she wants to be with you again. If she does want to, she will. The second best option would be to do nothing.

[blackhawks1287]

This is her removing her guilt.

 

She says you are the one that got away, meaning she is removing her guilt and seeing you in that light.

 

She is not offering to get back, nor should she even hint at it for her actions. There really is nothing she can say to put herself in positive light for her actions, because YOU KNOW she had intentions of more than a friend with that guy. PERIOD.

 

Save it, store it and ignore it. Do not proceed. She is trying to make you feel guilty for the guilt she is having if that makes sense and make you cater to her emotional needs again. This girl is very selfish.

[endy]

How long were you broken up for? I'm taking it you're not healed. I would seriously let her lay in the bed she made for herself. If you want her back, you can try... Your chances greatly increase with time for a SUCCESSFUL reconciliation. Remember this, people can say whatever they want. ACTIONS speak louder than words. She wants you back because the other guy didn't work out. People make mistakes, but I don't like her behavior. People can say whatever they want to get you back. What's changed besides the damage she caused? Have you? Has she?

[dpo85]

The situation with my Ex is almost identical from to yours. My ex cheated on me despite her admitting to me throughout our relationship that I was like no one she ever met, and rescpected and treated her like so man ever had (or likely will in the future). I am currently in NC with her as she needs to know what life is like with out me, perhaps then she will appreaciate what she had. I know that one day I will receive a letter or email just like you recieved, it is just a matter of time before she realizes what she turned her back on. Could be in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years, but I am not waiting. If she realizes soon and is willing to work on things on MY terms, then I may give her a chance, but the longer she waits, the less my feelings for her are and the greater the likelyhood I will find a women that treats me better than my ex did.

 

Obviously trust is the biggest thing. If she is willing to be 100% honest and work very hard to earn your respect and trust (not just for you , but also for herself) on your terms then perhaps taking things slow and trying to rebuild might work. Make it clear though, she has to do the work this time and it may take a great deal of time to earn your trust again (if she ever can) and that at the first sign you see of her not giving 100% you are done for good. If she is willing to do that then it wouldnt hurt to atleat talk to her and see what she is thinking.

 

If you have any feeling after speaking with her that she is playing games or might make the same mistake again, dont waste your time and move on.

[Brownstone322]

How much time has gone by during all this?

 

EDIT This whole thing -- including when you first started to date her -- dates back to July? Am, I right?

[learning2relax]

I know there are a lot of posts on here saying that she is not directly asking to reconcile - my question is why is that what everyone expects? She has admitted that she was wrong. She has been told that respect for her has been lost. She acknowledges that she made bad choices. She states her assumption that it doesn't make a difference but still relates that her relationship is over. She even made sure she articulated that she met the other person prior but did not get involved in a relationship with him until after the relation with the OP was over.

 

I know that we all want to be able to identify breadcrumbs for what they are vs. seeing them as a desire to reconcile. But if you feel really badly about what you did, the choices you made, etc..... wouldn't you be an ego maniac if you assumed that just because you found the error in your ways that the person you broke off the relationship with is just sitting around waiting to get back together with you? If I got the hey, I made a mistake, let's reconcile message - my thought would be something along the lines of "Wow, aren't you confident that I feel the same way!" I think it would actually make me even more reserved.

 

I see this as her coming forward with an apology and testing the waters. She is not going to risk rejection by being overly confident and assuming that after she treated someone poorly that they would want anything to do with her. She is putting herself out there just enough to manage the risk.

 

I agree with Endy that her behavior is not favorable in that right after she breaks off with the other guy she makes contact eluding to wanting to reconcile. She needs to sit and understand how she perpetuated this mess that she finds herself in. This gives her the opportunity for her to own up to her actions and understand that where things are today are a direct consequence of the poor choices that she made. The ball is in the OP's court.

 

If it were me, I would let her sit and stew in her own juices for a while to help to ensure that she doesn't do it again (if reconciliation with her is desired). Contact/No contact is somewhat irrelevant now. Contact does NOT equal reconciliation. Contact just re-establishes a connection. You can still be hard to get due to what they did to you and have contact. You can communicate but not be available for a relationship or to go through the motions as if you are in one. No contact is necessary if you have more healing to do. Not about getting them back, etc... So NC if you still need more time. If you are good, then contact but play it safest for you. Or NC because you just have no desire to have anything to do with her. Nice place to be - it is all up to you! Enjoy!!

[camus154]

Look,

 

If you leave things just as they are right now, it's the best you're gonna get. Think about it....she reached out to you, sent the apology email, admitted her mistakes. Meanwhile, you've remained cool, you haven't chased her, you've done everything correctly.

 

Don't spoil that by responding or asking her out for coffee. Keep up no contact now and you'll be able to walk away with your head held high.

[jackdillard]

Dates for those asking: Started dating July 2nd. Last Date was July 28th and last time we hooked up was August 4rth. She let me know about other guy on August 14th.

[camus154]

Wait...you dated her for basically a month?

 

Good lord, let it go. No relationship with that much drama in 1 month is worth it.

 

You may also want to ask yourself why you got so attached to someone within so short a time period.

[dpo85]

Dates for those asking: Started dating July 2nd. Last Date was July 28th and last time we hooked up was August 4rth. She let me know about other guy on August 14th.

 

You only dated for a month?!

[jackdillard]

Thanks for all the replies. Very helpful insights. I think there is truth in all the varying responses. I do still care for her and want to maintain a connection. I would say I am 95% precent healed and had already started casually dating another girl I met the night I saw her at the nightclub.

 

I agree strongly with the points learning2relax had. I think she needs time to stew and figure out what she wants and heal from me, her rebound relationship (that lasted 7 days), and consider all the actions that caused her to get in this mess.

 

I think my best move right now is a "thanks for the thoughts and taking the time to write" text response like Doofus suggested. This will open communication lines by giving her my phone # again I asked her to delete.

 

Camus154 - Things moved very fast with us. We hung out or talked every day. I've dated many girls and I had a special connection with this one. It was very rare for me to grow so close so fast.

[CMS]

Camus154 - Things moved very fast with us. We hung out or talked every day. I've dated many girls and I had a special connection with this one. It was very rare for me to grow so close so fast.

 

Sorry brother, experiences have shown me that those whirlwind romances have an expiration date fast (I am 3/3 so far). Slow down and really get to know someone and enjoy your time together, moving too fast would only trigger "buyer's remorse".

[endy]

Yeah, if it was just dating and banging for a month, hell just go date her again. That wouldn't really be a reconciliation or a get back together. You two were never really together. The fact that she's that "in love" after a month is somewhat alarming. Probably goes back and for for an idea of what she feels love is. Probably actually has no clue based on my experiences.

[MakeItCount]

Yeah, if it was just dating and banging for a month, hell just go date her again. That wouldn't really be a reconciliation or a get back together. You two were never really together. The fact that she's that "in love" after a month is somewhat alarming. Probably goes back and for for an idea of what she feels love is. Probably actually has no clue based on my experiences.

 

She also started to date again almost immediately. Chick can't be alone it seems, and her emotions are so out of whack.

[endy]

She also started to date again almost immediately. Chick can't be alone it seems, and her emotions are so out of whack.

 

 

Which are both red flags. I'de just let her go and find someone else more stable. If you do date her, don't let it get serious or get sucked in quickly. If it was me I'de just turn my back altogether and move on.

[Brownstone322]

Wait...you dated her for basically a month?

 

Good lord, let it go. No relationship with that much drama in 1 month is worth it.

 

You may also want to ask yourself why you got so attached to someone within so short a time period.

That's what I was thinking. It's hard to find much substance in a story like this.

 

I would say I am 95% precent healed ...

I mean ... healed from what?

[jackdillard]

That's what I was thinking. It's hard to find much substance in a story like this.

 

 

I mean ... healed from what?

 

Ya I had strong feelings for her, similar to that I've had for maybe a handful of other girls I've ever dated. In hindsight this post belongs in the dating forum.

 

The responses suggested have varied quite a bit on here and from my friends. Most all of my friends think its clear that she wants to reconcile or is testing the waters from the note. Friends as well have suggested no response for a week or two and reevaluate my feelings. Other friends have suggested to simply say 'thanks for the apology' and see where that goes.

For now I'm leaning towards waiting a week and reevaluating my feelings.

 

Thanks all greatly for the advice.

[jackdillard]

Yesterday she FB messaged me asking 'if I got her email, and so then she could leave me alone'. I haven't responded to either yet. It looks like she is bothered that she poured her heart out in that email and got no response.

 

It's been really hard for me not to email her back 'ya i got it' and reopen the lines of communication but friends think I need to hold back for my own self-respect and to let her suffer for her mistake.

 

Need to hold strong I guess with another week of NC to heal and make it clear in my head what I want from her.

[Thorshammer]

You guys must be young, or very inexperienced. I mean, only one month?

 

For all you know this dude didnt like her, or was bs'ing her the whole time and he had a woman on the side. Or she was a brat, and the dude put her in her place and she rebelled and left for something easier to handle. I mean, she left you that indepth letter from going out with you only for one month? When both of you get more experienced you will look back at this situation, and letter, and be like... huh? Trust me, I was there years ago, head over heels, then staying home and losing 10lbs over a girl i was with for like 2 months before breakup.