World of Warcraft, and sex issues, draining me :(

[Betweenthebars]

I guess I will start off with background. I'm 21, my husband is 26, and we have been married for 1 year and 1 day. The first time we were together was for two months when I was 15. His longterm ex girlfriend told him to come back, so he left me for her. After that, we didn't have contact for five years. Got back in touch, and then got married.

 

Ok, so I'll try to sort this in an orderly fashion, so here goes...

 

First problem: WoW. He plays non stop. I understand addiction, I've had first hand experience... But he is destroying our marriage already. He will play for a full damn day, not even bothering to kiss me or say I love you or even eat. He will get up to piss and that's about it. I sometimes break down and cry, at which point he says he is sorry and he loves me. Keep in mind, he says this without taking a break from WoW. Sitting there, clicking away, supposedly apologizing without looking at me. Which just hurts even more, because he obviously doesn't mean it. Now, I have tried every approach. I have tried leaving him alone, ignoring him completely, to give him time to possible miss me and log off without me prompting. That doesn't work. I have tried quietly and calmly bringing it up, letting him know he is neglecting me and hurting me a lot. That doesn't work either. I've recently told him I can't do this much longer, be involved with someone who refuses to get help for their addiction, and that stopped him playing for a full twenty four hours. Yeah, not quite the response I hoped for. I don't know what to do anymore. Next issue...

 

In the beginning, we had sex everyday. On average three times, up to five to six times daily. That slowly burned off. At one point, we went two months without sex. This time, it's been two weeks. He masturbated last night. Trust me, I am all for masturbation. Sometimes it is nice to get off alone, I get it. But it kind of hurts that he would rather masturbate than sleep with me, or get head from me. I've always done everything he wanted, every little fantasy I made come true. I was the first girl he's ever been with who was willing to participate in real BDSM with me - and even that only held his interest for so long. Am I overreacting? Should it not bother me that he masturbates instead of having sex? The only times we do it, I practically beg and beg till he gives in. I just feel so neglected I pretty much sit in the bathroom and cry when he goes to sleep. I try to be loving, I try to do everything I can to get him interested in me again, but I feel out of options. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I was just hoping that someone might magically have a fix for this, even if it feels impossible right now.

 

I love him. I don't want to leave. But I don't like crying everyday, and I just feel tired.

[camus154]

Pack up your bags and go stay elsewhere for at least a week. Leave him a note telling him he already knows what the issues are because you've told him several times and he still doesn't seem to get it. Tell him you can't live in a one-sided relationship and you need some space on your own.

 

If you're lucky, this may be the wake-up call he needs. See how he responds and go from there, but before you go back home, make sure you lay out specific boundaries. No WoW except for given times, etc. Be firm on this and let him know you're not playing around.

 

Good luck.

[hexaemeron]

Okay, a few questions. What's both of your (you and he's) employment statuses? How active are you both? Are there major stressors in his life?

[Betweenthebars]

Camus - I have issues with putting my foot down, but I have a strong feeling that's what I WOULD be doing - except I forgot to mention I moved to Alaska for him. I have no friends, no family here, everyone is in Washington. His parents believe his behavior is normal, and they think I'm the nastiest * * * * * in the world for being upset, so I can't turn to them.

 

Hexaemeron - he is employed, but only works 26 hours a week. I am unfortunately unemployed and still can't find a job, but money isn't an issue since my husband is fairly spoiled. His parents have rented him an apartment, paid bills, etc. So that's another issue I moved right on into.

 

Neither of us have friends, but for him that's by choice. He dropped everything for WoW. I'm trying to view things from his perspective... But I can't see anything that would make him withdraw into some gaming, antisocial world.

[hexaemeron]

So, basically, it sounds like he's had mom and dad finance everything so he's been able to do exactly what he wanted, ostensibly forever. This is going to be a tough road for you, because he won't change unless he wants to, and it sounds like he doesn't want to. Clearly, he likes having you around for the domestic side.

[happyfrank]

wow addictions can be stopped right away and it's a disease because it takes all your time. This is the cure based on my experience. While he is on raid. Tell him that I would like to talk and don't take no for an answer. Tell him how you feel that you would like to stop playing so much and limit himself. Maybe take time off from guild and wow for awhile and do stuff together. Maybe ask him to buy console game system and play games together while at home.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Pack up your bags and go stay elsewhere for at least a week. Leave him a note telling him he already knows what the issues are because you've told him several times and he still doesn't seem to get it. Tell him you can't live in a one-sided relationship and you need some space on your own.

 

If you're lucky, this may be the wake-up call he needs. See how he responds and go from there, but before you go back home, make sure you lay out specific boundaries. No WoW except for given times, etc. Be firm on this and let him know you're not playing around.

 

Good luck.

 

Before taking this approach you better decide that you MEAN it. Otherwise its just a game that could very well bite you in the ass.

[camus154]

BetweentheBars,

 

Why are you with this guy? Forget about love and all that jazz--why are you with *him* specifically? It doesn't sound like he offers much emotionally, intellectually, physically...you name it.

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like you're trapped in more ways than one. Next time he's playing WoW, take a look at him and the life you have together, and ask yourself very seriously...."If this were to be the rest of my life, would I be happy?"

 

You can't hedge your bets on who you want a person to be, and can only count on who they are right this moment.

[Betweenthebars]

He was incredible in the beginning. Sweet, caring, very affectionate, humorous. Everything I ever wanted. Sure, he had his faults (being supported by parents still), but back then he was very different. He had told me previously he had been addicted to WoW, but hadn't played in a few years - which was true. Then, about three or fours months into the relationship something piqued his interest in WoW, I think something new came out, I don't know. That's when all of this started happening.

 

So, putting aside love, I'm still with him because I know who he is, and what he is like, when he doesn't have a gaming addiction. And I'm hoping that somehow he will see how that part of his life is destroying us. I am definitely considering moving back to Washington until he proves to me he can treat me well again, but I'm also afraid if I do that he will fall even deeper into the game and I'll lose him permanently.

 

I know I'm being indecisive, and I'm sure at some point I enabled him some way, so I probably put myself in this mess just as much as he did, which just makes me feel crappier.

[hexaemeron]

No offense, but it sounds like you've lost him already. Through no fault of your own.

[camus154]

I know I'm being indecisive, and I'm sure at some point I enabled him some way, so I probably put myself in this mess just as much as he did, which just makes me feel crappier.

 

You're still enabling him by not putting your foot down. Don't feel crappy any longer--make a decision to be firm and take a stand! Even if it doesn't work out--and I hope it does--you can still walk away feeling good that you stuck to your boundaries.

[MakeItCount]

wow addictions can be stopped right away and it's a disease because it takes all your time. This is the cure based on my experience. While he is on raid. Tell him that I would like to talk and don't take no for an answer. Tell him how you feel that you would like to stop playing so much and limit himself. Maybe take time off from guild and wow for awhile and do stuff together. Maybe ask him to buy console game system and play games together while at home.

 

 

lol wut? She's already tried talking to him relentlessly about it. I too am curious what this guy has to offer. Also, was he not like this before? Have you gained weight (sorry)? Sounds like the dude's spoiled to hell. This is the guy you wanna have kids with?

[Betweenthebars]

lol wut? She's already tried talking to him relentlessly about it. I too am curious what this guy has to offer. Also, was he not like this before? Have you gained weight (sorry)? Sounds like the dude's spoiled to hell. This is the guy you wanna have kids with?

 

Haha, I've actually lost about 40 pounds.

 

No, he was the best thing to ever happen to me, until he started playing WoW again. But before that game, things were great.

[Betweenthebars]

You're still enabling him by not putting your foot down. Don't feel crappy any longer--make a decision to be firm and take a stand! Even if it doesn't work out--and I hope it does--you can still walk away feeling good that you stuck to your boundaries.

 

To be completely frank, this runs through my head a lot: I put my foot down and leave, he still won't change, and by 22 I'm divorced. That is a pretty horrifying, and embarrassing thought. Obviously that's only a very small reason it's difficult, though. But you're right. I should probably see what plane tickets cost these days =\

[DylanNotorious]

I don't think you have a choice but to break-up with him. Do you really think he will change? He knows your stuck in Alaska with him, and that you won't be leaving him. But what would happen if you announced "Ok I'm moving out, it's over".

 

Boy I think things would change quick fast. But if they don't you'll be stuck there forever. He's a spoiled brat and wouldn't have a clue how to survive in the real world.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think you have a choice but to break-up with him. Do you really think he will change? He knows your stuck in Alaska with him, and that you won't be leaving him. But what would happen if you announced "Ok I'm moving out, it's over".

 

Boy I think things would change quick fast. But if they don't you'll be stuck there forever. He's a spoiled brat and wouldn't have a clue how to survive in the real world.

 

I don't think he'd change at all. Change only happens when you want to change. His parents are "on his side" babying him constantly and supporting him financially. He loses nothing he can't get any other way by her leaving. He'll play WoW and won't have to deal with anyone's nagging.

 

You can't extort someone into caring about your feelings. It never works. If she gives an ultimatum, he'll tell her to leave. And she should.

[Betweenthebars]

I'm glad I came on here. Like I said, our 1 year wedding anniversary was yesterday, and although he didn't play games all day, he still did for a few hours. That, plus hearing other people's opinions, make me feel slightly better. Well I mean, at least I know I'm not overreacting.

 

One thing though - the masturbating instead of having sex with me? I've never had a man do that before. At least not too often. Is that just a normal guy thing?

[Leftright]

Video Game addiction seems to be a growing problem... Hey, I play them too, ....but in moderation (maximum 1-2 hours a day). I can see why you are upset, and what some of the other posters have said, I could not have said better myself. I think you might have to leave him for a while, 'separate' in other terms. He needs to learn how to limit himself with his gaming, because not only will his relationship with you slip away, but also his health, mentally and physically. He probably doesn't see this though, which is the difficult part. I know someone who was badly addicted to WoW, and it cost him a few friends, and almost his wife also. But know that there is still hope.

 

-LR

[Betweenthebars]

Video Game addiction seems to be a growing problem... Hey, I play them too, ....but in moderation (maximum 1-2 hours a day). I can see why you are upset, and what some of the other posters have said, I could not have said better myself. I think you might have to leave him for a while, 'separate' in other terms. He needs to learn how to limit himself with his gaming, because not only will his relationship with you slip away, but also his health, mentally and physically. He probably doesn't see this though, which is the difficult part. I know someone who was badly addicted to WoW, and it cost him a few friends, and almost his wife also. But know that there is still hope.

 

-LR

 

I appreciate your post... I like thinking of it as a separation, rather than something automatically leading to divorce. I have seen people get divorced, lose their families and jobs over WoW. And I've also seen them come back from all that, which is the only reason I still I have slight hope left. Not everyone can make it out of the addiction, but some can.

[XxJustMexX]

I can't speak for everybody, but video game addictions aren't exactly easy to break. It's just like any addiction. They feel like they NEED to play in order to appease a nagging anxiety itch that just will not go away until they play. I'm speaking from experience. I'm pretty much borderline OCD and I have extreme anxiety at times and there would be times when I would have so much anxiety that I'd sit and play Final Fantasy (my fave RPG and beat that game in a week (for those who don't know RPG's, these games take weeks to beat if done moderately lol).

 

To a more recent example.. And maybe this may explain what he's going through... I downloaded an iPhone RPG game about 3 months ago. Imagine, an iPhone game that I could take with me anywhere and everywhere. Not good. I was stuck on this game for 3 months. I met some GREAT friends on the game, and after the first month of playing, I wasn't only still playing because the game was fun, I stayed because I had met some great friends who I didn't want to disappoint or leave behind. I know it sounds lame, but when you meet friends on a game, they become kind of like your real friends. You're talking to these people, interacting with them... Depending on how much you play, you may be spending all day with these people. For me, I realized I wanted my life back, which is why I quit the game. For 3 months my friends saw nothing but the top of my head as I was on my iPhone all day playing and giggling with my "nerd friends". Again, this is going to sound lame, but it seriously took me a couple weeks to finally make the decision to stop playing. Not only was I totally ignoring my real life, but the game actually made my anxiety worse because I always slept late playing, waking up early, etc.. I didn't want to wake up feeling like I "need" to check my game every morning. But again, it was my game friends that kept me playing. Like Wow, (I don't know for sure, I've never played Wow... and judging from what I read, it's addictive for us nerds so I'd rather not try...) you're in "guilds" meaning you're in a group with people... You're basically a team... you help each other... you kind of build a bond. When you get close to these people, it's like real life. I didn't want to leave my game friends... As stupid as this sounds, I almost cried when I had to tell them that I was quitting the game! Whether they're friends you see face to face, or just some random people you've never met, it can be hard for some people to let go of that connection. I met a bunch of great people playing that game... We became so attached to each other that we all started staying in touch through facebook! lol.

 

Oh, and another factor... Hard work and money. This will sound really stupid to non-gamers. But RPGs and some strategy games like the one I played and Wow are "built". Some take money, some a lot of time, some both. The game I played, I had spent over $200 on in the first month. Every time I wanted to quit, I always thought about that money and all the hard work I put into building things up in the game. That definitely was an issue and kept me from quitting as well... I can almost guarantee that most Wow players are addicted not only to the game itself, but the hard work they've put into building whatever it is they build up there... again, I've never played it but this is in general with all RPG/strategy games. It's that feeling of "losing" a lot of hard work. Thoughts run through your mind, like what if I want to play later... I'll have to start over! Things like that...

 

I know I have not given you a solution... But all I hope for in my post is to help you understand what he might be going through. For me, I realized on my own (thank God only 3 months though) that I wanted to live real life again. I got used to being with my nerd friends in the game that I started neglecting my real friends, and I realized that.

[MakeItCount]

Meh. I used to play for 13 hours at a time. School/work/MMO. Then I grew up and realized my status on a video game means nothing. The "addiction" came because I had just gone through a really rough situation and was pretty depressed - so I gamed. I still game, but not nearly as much**. I'll still go on rampages once in a while where I'll play through the whole weekend, but if there's an event or whatever I drop it and go out. With my ex last summer I only played when I had nothing better to do. I'd never blow her off to play a game.

 

I doubt he'll realize this on his own honestly, it took me a "what the hell am I doing" moment to get me to quit.

 

I think manipulation aside, you need to do this. It won't magically get better on it's own. Sorry, how long did you date before you got married/

 

**edit, typing ftl.

[Betweenthebars]

I'm on my iPad, so I'm sure I have plenty of typos =P

 

Having first hand experience with this... Do you think me moving might be a wake up call? I obviously don't want to get my hopes up, but I DO feel like somewhere inside he might still love me.

 

I have no issue with him playing 2 hours a night, and more on the weekends. I wouldn't ever ask him to give it up completely. I'm not sure if he gets that, really.

[stuka80]

i used to be addicted to that game way back in my younger years. would literally play up to 12 hours a day for a good year or so til i realized it was taking over my life and it was ruining my relationship at that time so i ended it. hopefully your man can come to the same conclusion.

[Kitkat973]

If you can't get him to change, what do you see happening in the relationship? Where do you see yourself six months from now? Have you made him aware of this?

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm on my iPad, so I'm sure I have plenty of typos =P

 

Having first hand experience with this... Do you think me moving might be a wake up call? I obviously don't want to get my hopes up, but I DO feel like somewhere inside he might still love me.

 

I have no issue with him playing 2 hours a night, and more on the weekends. I wouldn't ever ask him to give it up completely. I'm not sure if he gets that, really.

 

When it gets to the point of having to issue a "wake up call" after only one year into the marriage, I would look at it as what you see is what you get.

 

When all is said and done, this problem will have less to do about "WoW" and more to do about him and his lack of responsibility.