Money & Ego

[XxJustMexX]

You can learn more about this situation here...

 

It'd be a lot better if you read and knew my situation with a guy I've been trying to figure out in the above thread...

 

So, the other day my friend's daughter decided she wanted to play matchmaker with me and the crush... I personally thought it was cute and decided to go along with it since it's a good way for me to let him know that I'm interested in him as well. Thank God she did because it actually confirmed and answered a lot of questions in my head about why he hadn't made any moves. It all started with her just teasing us, calling him my boyfriend, telling him to ask me out, etc... (typical Junior Highish type of teasing lol, she's 11!) Anyway, in the middle of all this teasing us, when she catches me alone she asks why won't I go out with him?? I told her I never said that, and she said that she had asked him before if he liked me and he said yes, but she doesn't like me. I commented saying I have no idea where he got that idea. She proceeds to ask, so you WOULD go out with him? I told her, ya sure, he's a good guy. Well no sooner than my sentence was finished, she's off to run to tell him lol. Well I'm no more than 15 feet away from them when I hear her tell him that I'd go out with him if he asked me, and his response was he doesn't have a job right now.

 

Let me just say that I've had this feeling lately that his ego's pretty torn from not having a job recently. He's definitely trying, but I can tell not working is bringing him down.

 

Well, we spent pretty much all of Saturday all the way through the night together at a friend's b-day bash... and let me tell you, I've completely fallen for this guy. He's the biggest sweetheart, really caring and seems completely smitten by me as well. The night we hung out, I was actually the one that invited him to come with us (roomie and her bf) and my heart just melted when he completely just stopped what he was doing and jumped at the invite. Anyway, the entire night he stayed by my side, excused himself when he'd leave (which happened to only be when the beer bladder acted up lol) and well, let's just say we made it obvious to the whole party that he and I were into each other as we pretty much hung out with each other all night. (He hasn't made any physical moves, he's real respectful!) I don't think a minute passed that we wouldn't look at each other and smile, or weren't laughing, or just totally was not having our own little party lol. I actually prefer a night like that than some fancy restaurant or movie. We ended up leaving the party around 3. As soon as we got home the roomies passed out and even though he was dead tired, he stayed up with me (second wind kicked in!) til 6 in the morn and we had the time of our lives just talking all night.

 

OK, I'm going off subject. Sorry. So yesterday a mutual friend of ours had a band playing at a bar and I was talking to another friend on the phone who was next to him, and asked him to ask my crush if he wanted to go. I heard him say in the background that he couldn't because he had something to do. Well as soon as I hang up, my roomie's bf (that's my crush's friend) asks why he's not coming and I told him he was busy. He shook his head and said no he doesn't, he's just too embarassed to tell you he can't afford it. He immediately calls him back and tells him to go with us and not worry about the money... Turns out he was actually busy. He had to finish up a job on a friend's house that he neglected, due to me asking him to come to the party the day before. Apparently they got pretty pissed at him for not finishing the job so he had to stay to finish that.

 

Anyway, point being that's twice in 24 hours that I had to hear about the money issue. To tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me at all. Yes of course, I wouldn't want to date a guy who NEVER works, but it's different when you're just unemployed and seeking work. I can tell it's totally killing this guy's ego, enough that my friend's bf knows about the issue.

 

Yes, I definitely understand how this can embarrass a guy. I guess that's where I'm getting at. How should I go about this? I hear that if you offer to pay for things, that can mess with their ego more. I mean, I would really like to go on a REAL date with this guy. Nothing fancy, but at least something like dinner and a nice walk on the beach or something. But wouldn't it hurt him more if I offered to pay? We've only hung out in groups and I'd really like to spend some alone time with him (even though honestly even when we're in groups he and I are usually stuck at the hip anyway...). And now that I know that the reason he hasn't asked me out is due to money, I know that's something I can fix, but I don't want to make him feel embarassed either.

 

I know people go through tough times in their lives and I understand that. I also understand that this can kill a man's ego. I'm trying my best to make him feel good about himself, and that's all I know how to do at the moment.

 

So question to the guys is this... What would you want from someone in this situation? Say you really liked a girl but couldn't afford much... How should this situation turn out? What can I do to get to know him better without hurting his feelings? I'd really like to hang out with him more often, but I feel that when everyone else gets up to go do things that require money, that it's killing his ego and he gets embarassed. I know he won't be like this forever... But how do I deal with this at the moment?

[FathomFear]

I don't think there's really one answer here. Much will depend on this guy's background, upbringing, prior experiences, etc. I can't really blame him being hesitant in any event. This forum is inundated with posts from women complaining that their dates aren't buying meals, "treating them nice", etc. It's just an attitude that gets grilled into lots of guys. If I were you I would just let him know that you're not of the same ilk and won't have insanely high expectations in this area.

[XxJustMexX]

I don't think there's really one answer here. Much will depend on this guy's background, upbringing, prior experiences, etc. I can't really blame him being hesitant in any event. This forum is inundated with posts from women complaining that their dates aren't buying meals, "treating them nice", etc. It's just an attitude that gets grilled into lots of guys. If I were you I would just let him know that you're not of the same ilk and won't have insanely high expectations in this area.

 

Thanks fathom. I've been trying my best to make him feel better about his situation. I can definitely tell his lack of a job right now is hurting him. But the thing is, I don't want to straight up say "I know you don't have money right now, I don't mind"... in a way I think by bringing it up I'll just embarrass him even more. Ya know? That's kind of where I'm stuck. I want to ask him out, but by asking him out, I'll be pretty much forced to tell him not to worry about the money part because I got it, but by saying it, I think it may embarrass him. Is there really a nice way to say something like that without hurting his feelings?

 

My friend and her boyfriend have been trying to hook us up recently and they both know that we both like each other... It's just a bummer that the money issue is in the way. We've had several people this weekend say "just hook up already!" because everyone knows how we feel about each other, but I feel his lack of a job right now is the one thing holding us back. It's definitely affecting him moving forward with me and even though I don't mind being the one to take it up a notch, I would rather not hurt his feelings in the process.

 

I think I'm going to ask him to something simple like dinner and the beach this weekend. I would just like to show him that money is not an issue for me and that I like him for who he is regardless...

[FathomFear]

I would just make the same statement indirectly. Something to the effect of "I'm a big fan of simple dates..."