feel I need to find someone else to move on....

[Leo78]

Its been four months since my girlfriend broke it off over the phone. She said said wanted to friends I said give me time. I tried contacting her to me up & she wouldn't. Then went NC on her, took her off facebook, even told her bluntly in a text not to contact me until I was ready, and have been in NC since.

 

I'm using NC to heal, and have been doing everything I can to help me move on. Going to the gym every week, jogging everyday, have gone out with my friends to clubs, looking at a possible change of jobs, but every now and then memories come flooding back and it hits me. I'm still really hurting at the moment, my financial situation doesn't really help eaither. I want off this emotional rollercoaster NOW!! I want my life back, I'm sick of watiing around, I thought I would be over this by now.

 

I've been browsing the dating sites and sent dozens of emails but no replies. I feel so alone and so frightened for the future. Scared that I won't ever find someone again (I'm 33). I think the kind of guy who suffers from 'One-Itis', in other words an obsession or love for one particular girl, and that obsession doesn't go away until you meet someone else. That has been the case in my past 2 relationships, and thats why I'm anxious to find someone else. I don't think meeting someone else would be classesd as rebound since it was four months ago. They say time heals all wounds, but four months!!!

[Cheetarah]

I think the kind of guy who suffers from 'One-Itis', in other words an obsession or love for one particular girl, and that obsession doesn't go away until you meet someone else.

 

I don't think meeting someone else would be classesd as rebound since it was four months ago.

 

You don't? It appears otherwise. Time has nothing to do with it, but not being able to move past an 'obsession' until you find another, does. Also, this:

I feel so alone and so frightened for the future. Scared that I won't ever find someone again (I'm 33).

 

Why wouldn't you be able to find someone again? Finding someone else with fear and worry driving you, rather than want, desire, is going to wind up biting you in the butt. Have you ever been alone for an extended period of time?

 

You know, four months is nothing, really. You sound perfectly normal to me. Doing your thing, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, but once in awhile you recall her, the relationship, and it hurts. Well, that's what happens! Healing is not linear. There's no time stamp on it, and it doesn't just go the way we want it to go. Of course you are going to have yucky days among your good days.

[Fern]

It took me about 8 months after my breakup to start feeling okay again. And even now, a full year on, I still have moments where it bothers me. Give yourself time. That's all you need is time. Jumping into another unhealthy relationship will only make you feel better in the short term. Learn that you can be happy alone and then the next breakup won't be so terrifying. That's what I'm trying to do.

[Carus]

Healing is linear.

I'm fairly sure Mintiya* meant to say NOT linear...Beause as she said, the good days will play tug of war with the bad days until you finally start having more better ones than bad...

 

And yeh, sry to say but 4 months is almost nothing when it comes to healing from a bad breakup* Those that can, I kinda envy you in a way, but a lot depends on the depth of love, the way it ends and the makeup of the person......

 

The bigger the heart, the longer it takes to heal*

 

I'm 2.5, nearly 3 years out and I still think about my ex a lot (too much), but I've been meeting girls again and can say with some confidence that if and when I get into another relationship now, I will not be pining away hoping that last ex comes back*

 

When she instantly replaced me I went out thinking "OK I will do the same.." ....how wrong I was.

 

Keep walkin' Buddy* Take care of YOU....When you are ready, love will find you again*

 

Regards

Carus* 8-)

[In the Dark]

I'd say don't force it.

It took me longer than 4 months to get over my long term ex.

It takes time and adjustment.

 

But not everyone, is patient.

 

Personally anyone who needs to find someone else as soon as possible to get over their ex is rebounding.

[Hollyj]

If you're not over her, it's not fair to the other person. It's only been four months, wait until you're in a healthier place.

 

Also, if you have to go from partner to partner, there's a problem. If I were you I would be alone for awhile.

[Leo78]

thanks for the commments everyone much appreciated. The reason why I feel that I should have been over her by now, was that our relationship was 8 months long. Not long for some but the longest I have been in a relationship so far, but 4 months is half of that. Plus the fact tyhat I really miss her and feel I didn't get any closure.

 

The reason why I'm frightened of my future is my previous relationship history, and alot of it surrounded by 'OneItis'. Since high school I have always liked the one particular girl. I am not a confident guy, and was bullied in school, and most of the time I feel too frightened to talk to women. Maybe I'm frightened of rejection I don't know. I don't have many female freinds.

 

Well my first relationship was in 2006 (was 27 at the time), I met her off a dating site. It was very short lived, only a week. She broke it off because she realised she hadn't gotten over her ex (I was a rebound), I was very devestated at the time. I stupidly agreed to stay friends with her at the time, but hearing about her date other people, I told her I couldn't be friends with her anymore, so went NC. I dated other girls but never got past the first date. It took me a long while to get over her.

 

Had a another relationship in late 2007, but both agreed we weren't right for eachother, but then in summer 2008, I moved in to a flat with some students and fell in love with a student from Poland. When I went out with her, I forgot about my feelings for gf of 2006. It was a very good summer but short lived relationship, as she had to go back to Poland. I remember saying goodbye to her, and getting closure off her. I felt very sad but we knew it was going to be a temporary relationship, so I got over it easier but she ended up becoming my 'One Itis'.

 

Went on one or two dates in 2009, but nothing materialised then. My GF of 2006 added me on facebook that year, in which I gladly accepted & was not bothered that she was in a relationship with someone else, something unimaginable before 2008, and still freinds now.

 

Then last year (2010) I went online and met my current ex. She got me over my Polish ex (although still can't go on her facebook yet), but now my One Itis is on her. I hope one day I can be friends with her, but I know that will probably be way off in the future, and yes freinds is all what we would ever be and my feelings for her will have completely gone. But for know I have to grieve.

 

As you can see I haven't had much of a relationship so far by 33, and frightened will feel the same when I hit 40. I haven't made love for three years. I'm not looking for intimate encounters, I just want someone to love and spend my life with.

[endy]

Examine your past, and your childhood. Read the book The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. Most people that have a hard time moving on have a deeper issue that causes it. I do as well. I'm 4-5 months out somewhere in there. Although, I'm basically over my ex, I still think about her sometimes. Usually daily, but I just change my thinking as soon as I do. I remind myself I'm putting her on a pedestal and then I kick her ass off and replace it with me. I've been NC the whole time.

 

Also, it can take time, and a lot of time to really move on and heal from a break up. What are you doing to heal exactly? Time doesn't really heal the wound to me. Working through your feelings and emotions does. It would still be a rebound because you are not over your ex. You would supress that in a new relationship, and then it would ultimately come back out. Maybe not even in the next relationship. You might want to checkout getting past your breakup by Susan J. Elliot as well. Do the inventory stuff in that book. With ALL of your past relationships.

[italiannmf24]

You don't? It appears otherwise. Time has nothing to do with it, but not being able to move past an 'obsession' until you find another, does. Also, this:

 

Why wouldn't you be able to find someone again? Finding someone else with fear and worry driving you, rather than want, desire, is going to wind up biting you in the butt. Have you ever been alone for an extended period of time?

 

You know, four months is nothing, really. You sound perfectly normal to me. Doing your thing, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, but once in awhile you recall her, the relationship, and it hurts. Well, that's what happens! Healing is not linear. There's no time stamp on it, and it doesn't just go the way we want it to go. Of course you are going to have yucky days among your good days.

 

100% agree with all of this.

[Eocsor]

The worst advice anyone can give is that in order to get over someone you need to get under someone. All you do is delay your healing and transfer all your problems to another person. Heal totally from the breakup first and learn to be content on your own first.

That way you'll be in a place where you have a better chance of succeeding in the next relationship.

[Hollyj]

Examine your past, and your childhood. Read the book The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. Most people that have a hard time moving on have a deeper issue that causes it.

 

I would also look into love addiction and get some counseling. It sounds like you are very dependent on others for your happiness.

[Leo78]

I went to a relationship therapist, she told me to break NC & demand answers from her so that I could learn for the future. As you can imagine, I didn't go back to her again. Would do counselling or life coaching but too expensive.

[Hollyj]

Look up love addiction and see if you match the profile. You may be able to find a free group in your area for counseling.

 

Yes! That counselor was terrible. You made the right decision!

[Leo78]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I went away for a few days by myself. Something I had nevet done before, was ok at times, but still feels very lonely. I really miss my ex and there are still things that make me remind me of her and get me down. I'm going to look at speaking to a counsellor and see what she would say. She may very well refer me to a love addiction clinic. I'm 33 and so far have only had 3 proper relationships so far!

[lemsip]

I want someone too. But I'm forcing myself not to find them.

 

I realised that I haven't been single in 10 years due to my last two relationships, and as a result, I haven't given myself the chance to mature on my own.

 

I don't want to be on my own. But I need to be. It's hard, but it'll be worth it.

 

Once I'm 100% comfortable hanging out with just me, then I'll date. And if I don't find anyone, who cares. At least I have me.

[Leo78]

And if I don't find anyone, who cares. At least I have me.

 

Can't deal with that I need love. Yes we should try too be happy with ourselves, but I was told to believe theat there is someone for everyone. Why should I be one of the only ones who won't find someone?

[EmmaB78]

Leo, I just noticed that you said that it took you something like 2 years to get over a 1 week relationship - did I read that right? Honestly, and I say this from the best, most understanding place possible as someone who is also known for taking forever to get over something that really wasn't much to begin with - that is a major problem. And, I think what lemsip said is really the place you need to be, even though I know you can't imagine it right now and it feels in some way like "giving up." I'm struggling to get there too so I know what you are feeling, but think of it like this - until you ARE in that place, you aren't ever going to find someone who will stick around anyway (at least not someone who is worth having around) because this deep yearning for love you have is going to come out and smother her. You really need to be alone - but not just be alone - really work through those feelings of aloneness. Keep looking for a counselor who is right for you - lots and lots and LOTS of counselors suck so it really is a process. In the meantime, I'd read those self-help books that other people recommended. And maybe Co-Dependent No More.

[Leo78]

Hi Emma, have emailed some counselors to get some advice. Have also sent a few emails on Plenty of Fish, can say I'm that impressed with that site.

[Ms Darcy]

Leo, you sound very sweet. Getting the love we want most often requires us giving that love to ourselves. I am happy that you are working on yourself and I hope you also pick up journalling as a way to work through feelings. You have to fight the fire in order to put it out, you know? You have to work on moving on in order to move on.