Do you think I'm being paranoid?

[gnaritas]

My boyfriend, after 9 months of us being together, through a long distance relationship (we see each other very often though) told me that he isn't in love with me anymore, he just cares about me a lot and that he likes me. Also when apart things aren't going that well but when together we have an awesome, great time, in every level.

 

Um, without being sure, I have suspicions that things are going on with an ex of him.

 

My suspicions aroused when during one visit to him, I found out by accident, through his internet history (which he erases every time I go to his house, this time he just didn't obviate) that he's still checking this ex's blog.

My suspicions became even stronger when in this blog he commented (that was last summer), in a "fooling around/cute picking on" way to a love text she wrote towards "someone" she saw again after a long time and she continued to write texts like that the whole year and how empty she felt without him and how she was sure he was empty without her too. And he was checking on her blog this whole time. A day ago, there was a text where she was saying in a loving way that she can't undestand "how you choose to throw away life like that" so I thought there might have been a relation to him not feeling love in our relationship anymore and her knowing it. They were together in 2009, and he told me that was for a few months but I think something's bigger is going on here especially if they were still in contact last summer, and probably even now (he still has her msn)

 

How do I express to him my suspicions or I'm just being paranoid? If something's happening I want to know now.I have asked him, if he's feeling ok and he keeps telling me everything's fine in the relationship but I see that without us seeing each other in person (it's been a month already) he feels kind of numb.

[myhonestanswer]

Erm, what does it matter whether there's something going on with an ex? He doesn't love you anymore.

 

Why do you need confirmation that something else is going on to end this?

[gnaritas]

Things are not that simple. We have both admitted that we are very "attached" to each other and we admittedly have amazing time together, he told me that he doesn't feel that he loves me but feels notions of love sporadically while the affection is permanent. Well I have asked him why all this fuss about me since he doesn't love and he answered back "I want to be with you, don't ask me why, I don't understand why you push me away from you and towards other women"

 

Well, I love him and since he won't quit I want us to continue having a great time and such.

From the distance things are hard though, very hard and really numb lately. This last month we haven't seen each other. I want to act before something happens and I want my back to be saved, if the reason why he feels like that is his ex, I just want to know it and not persist on this relationship. In any way, it could just be the distance pissing him off instead.

[myhonestanswer]

I just don't see what the ex has to do with it.

 

He doesn't love you. I'm not sure what else you need to know. 'notions of love'? What on earth does that mean? If he was that into you, he'd tell you, and he'd act like he were that into you. Things have, by your own admission, been 'very hard' and 'numb' lately, so I don't know what it is you're trying to save. Yes, you're attached to each other, and you have a great time, but you could do that with many people.

[gnaritas]

"Notions of love" well he has told me that he feels like he loves me at certain times. Like he wants to do anything for me, like I complete him. But at certain times.

Also, his behaviour (except from when in distance) is the one of someone in love. And I don't mean sexual stuff, I mean everything we used to to when he was in love, stuff all people who love others do for them.

 

Well, I just want to know the truth, that's it. It's a whole different knowing he wants someone else and that's why he seems tentative now from being disappointed from the distance, but feeling love, so there might be sth to be saved or revived.

 

 

Anyway, my question was about what do you think concerning his ex, if they still have relations.

 

 

I am well aware of the fact that I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love me and that I keep compromising in a way, but um, people sometimes are weak and are going through phases, it's really hard to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life every single day for the last year. And I know that I could live that with someone else, but for now I love that guy. :S

[Doofus]

There's caring - even deeply - about someone, and being in love. The latter is very very rare. People in relationships say that they are, all the time, but, really don't mean it. My advice, really , is if you're getting what you need from being with him, who cares whether he's 'in love' with you? That is not a pre-requisite to happiness in a relationship, nor is it a safeguard against heartbreak. In fact, if you are really in love with someone, your heart will almost certainly be broken. Is it worth it to pursue someone you're in love with, even given the potential pain? Yes. Should you put your life on hold waiting for it? No. Hang in there.

[camus154]

"Notions of love" well he has told me that he feels like he loves me at certain times.

 

What a lucky woman you are.

 

Well, I just want to know the truth, that's it. It's a whole different knowing he wants someone else and that's why he seems tentative now from being disappointed from the distance, but feeling love, so there might be sth to be saved or revived.

 

Just as myhonestanswer has been saying, this doesn't matter. You're drawing imaginary boundaries so you can cling on to hope that one day, maybe he'll love you more than just "at certain times".

 

I am well aware of the fact that I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love me and that I keep compromising in a way, but um, people sometimes are weak and are going through phases, it's really hard to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life every single day for the last year. And I know that I could live that with someone else, but for now I love that guy. :S

 

Being weak isn't an excuse for making bad choices and compromising yourself. Neither is "but it's really hard". But it's your life, so if you're content with the position you've put yourself in, then enjoy the bounty of it.