telling a guy I just agreed to be in a relationship with that I changed my mind

[avotresante]

Last night, a guy that I have been hanging out with asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. The whole situation is a bit complicated, so let me provide some background: we met through our college, but he graduated a couple of years ago, and I am still a student. I met him a couple of times at parties because he is in the same fraternity as a lot of my friends, but we mostly got to know each other over facebook. It was kind of random, he added me on facebook after we met at a party back in April, and decided to start talking to me. We talked a LOT over facebook, for like hours at a time, and seemed to have good conversations, but we didn't see each other in person because he doesn't go to my college anymore, and also because school got out for summer break in May and I went back to my home state, so I wasn't even near him.

well, a little over a week ago, I got back to the state we go to school in, but was living a few hours away from our school. He drove all the way there to visit me, and it was the first time we had spent time together in person when we were not both drunk at a party. We got along well in person, but the whole situation scared me because I was staying with my parents house, and he met them and talked to them, and spent the night at our house in our guest room. It was like a 24 hour date. It was really fun, but I wasn't ready to jump into anything, and it felt like too much too soon.

Yesterday, I got back to school, and he picked me up from my dorm and we went out for a few drinks and then went back to my room to hangout; while we were there, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. I was a little drunk, and it probably was not the best time to have that discussion, but it happened. I just feel like I don't know him that well and am not really ready, and I also don't even know how interested in him I am. I am not saying that I'm not, but I'm not sure yet. We have only gone on two dates--the 24 hour one at my parents' house, and the bar last night--and I don't feel like I want to take that next step at this point, but I wasn't thinking completely clearly, and I genneraly struggle with assertiveness; especially with guys. Both him and I have not really had much experience with relationships, honestly. I think he has had one official relationship, and I have only had one official relationship (that lasted two months and ended with me practically having to get a restraining order because he wouldn't leave me alone), but we have both had many, many one night stands. We haven't had sex; I think it's because he wants to show me that it's different with me, and that I'm not just a random hookup to him or something. Which does feel nice, because I was getting tired of the promiscuity. I don't want to do that anymore, like I did last school year, but I don't think I want a relationship right now. I don't know...I just feel really uneasy and unhappy about it, and that it not a good way of starting a relationship. I also don't want to lead him on because he really, really seems to like me, and I don't know if I like him yet. I have also heard a lot of things from his frat brothers about him being kind of an * * * * * * * , but he has never been anything but respectful to me. But still, it worries me and makes me less apt to jump into this. Like, I really don't want to be his girlfriend right now, but I already agreed last night, and he changed his facebook relationship status and people are commenting and asking questions already, etc. He sent me the relationship request thing but I haven't accepted it yet, and I kind of want to talk to him and tell him that I don't think I'm ready. I feel bad for even agreeing, and I should have been assertive, but I struggle with things like this. I just really don't know what to say to him, I feel bad for leading him on and also feel bad that he has already begun to tell people, and I am here wanting to change my mind...do you guys have any advice on how to bring up the subject with him? I would love to hear if some of you guys have an idea of what I should tell him and how. I may have had a lot of sexual experiences, but when it comes to relationships, I am a complete novice; probably more so than the average 21-year old woman. How do I tell him that I don't want this even though I said I did, and he's already begun telling people? Thank you so much!

[Iakasot]

Just say: "Having a few drinks made it seem like I was ready for a relationship, but I'm not, and I might not even like you, it's just a lot easier to say "yes" to something that seems fun when you're having fun and drinking. I hope you understand. I'm sorry if this caused you any inconvenience, but don't you think you're kinda jumping the gun and being this excited and telling everyone? I mean even if we were in a relationship, most people wait a few weeks before going to a giddy excitement state and telling everyone, unless they've already had a huge crush on the person that they can't contain. I don't mean to offend you but it seems kinda desperate, and too strong for the level of emotional involvement we had thus far. Don't hate me or anything, but I've only had one serious relationship so far, and want to do a lot of thinking before I make a decision like that."

[banal]

Ok, the spirit of this post is correct, just not the language. Do you really think it's a good idea to say "I might not even like you" or to call the guy desperate?

 

OP, just tell the guy that you are sorry for having rushed things with him, but that you'd like to take things a bit slower.

[Iakasot]

Ok, the spirit of this post is correct, just not the language. Do you really think it's a good idea to say "I might not even like you" or to call the guy desperate?

 

OP, just tell the guy that you are sorry for having rushed things with him, but that you'd like to take things a bit slower.

Saying you wanna take things slower gives guys the wrong idea, because they think "that means I'll be a boyfriend...but after some time", plus OP seems like she's a little creeped out by him telling everyone so soon. I think it's best to just be honest and say what I suggested. My post covers all bases.

[Fudgie]

I wouldn't call him desperate or say that you may not like him, as Iakasot said.

 

Just tell him that you drank a little bit that night and agreed to be in a relationship but after you slept on it, you felt that it was just a little too much for you. You can admit that you're inexperienced if you want. Apologise profusely but explain that you made a mistake and agreed to it before you were ready (no fault of his own!). Tell him you'd like to be friends but you'd understand if he wouldn't want to now, and whichever is okay.