GrowingIn Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 This is worse than when I went through my divorce and our relationship only lasted a year. At least a few months after my divorce I began making friends of opposite sex. I don't even care to do that this time. And the thing is, out of the year we were together, I can honestly say maybe only 3 months were good before things went down hill with the remainder of time being nothing but fights and treating each other like crap, with her running and me chasing until she eventually had the courage to say what I was feeling: that she didn't see a future with me. Which is about as definitive as it gets. The problem is I cannot for the life of me find closure and so I can't put myself on a new path. I've analyzed it, I haven't begged, I've went through the motions, I've played it cool, I've been angry, I have done NC, I've made friends, started new activities, I have even told her I would not pay back the remainder of her debt AND sent hate mail to eliminate any reason for her ever contacting me again and push her away for good. I wanted to make it clear to myself, that this is about as OVER as it gets. So far that seemed to have worked since I have not heard from her anymore, and while I'm not so sure anymore if that was the best idea.....whatever....the point is as far as my own feelings, NOTHING helps. I can't muster enough enthusiasm and energy to care about anything or do anything as far as my personal life and career is concerned and keep going around in circles. I have talked to friends, family members, and I just can't seem to wrap it up into that life lesson I'm supposed to take from all this in order for me to move on. I can't become positive and excited about my future no matter what I do. I'm just totally complacent and wasting time and standing still. My biggest issue remains this: I basically feel like I ASKED for this woman, years before I met her before I even thought she existed. I'm talking everything from nationality, to personality, to similar defects down to the length of her hair and exact tone of her skin and under the only circumstances I would consider convenient for me. She wasn't supposed to exist. And if she did, we certainly were not supposed to meet. Because if she did and we met that would be the only way I would ever consider marriage again. I had two other relationships prior to meeting her and I had this attitude at that time. But we did meet, and we didn't end up married. In fact it wasn't even that great of a relationship. So what now? What does this all mean? This wasn't a case of where you meet a person and then realize she's the one. This is a case of where years before I met her, I said to myself the one for me would be this, this and this....and then you meet her. And then things go south and you come to the conclusion that you are not "that" person for her. That was not supposed to happen. I just feel like something went wrong there. That's my viewpoint and because of that I believed in us so much that I allowed her to step all over my principles, forgot about myself, and then beat her down right back and scolded her for stepping all over my principles and myself. I just can't figure out how to wrap my head around this whole thing and make it some sort of life lesson or coincidence or slogan that will give me the strength and enthusiasm to move forward. I just can't and I am badly needing that. I mean what am I supposed to say to myself? Life's a * * * * * and that's irony for you? That's my lesson? That's the attitude I'm supposed to have from here on out? I'll even go between thinking I'm completely over her and then I still at times think I would want her back. I'll even say stupid things like this in my own head: "I could never take her back. I have never taken anyone back. Especially someone that disrespects me, steps all over me, my principles, and shows absolutely no consideration for anyone but herself." Then....the next day or an hour later I'll say: "Well hell, if you had the opportunity, you've already broken every single one of your principles with her anyway, why not break the "never take her back" one too?" And then I go back to "hey moron, she told you she doesn't see a future with you, get it through your head".....to...."yeah but I also know she never means what she says nor actually knows what she really wants so who the hell cares what she says". I swear I feel I am completely retarded arguing, and playing devil advocate with myself in my own head. Is there any hope or help for me? Can anyone help me see what I need to see out of all of this? Link to comment
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