Ok this is becoming ridiculous. Five months and still can't get over this.

[GrowingIn]

This is worse than when I went through my divorce and our relationship only lasted a year. At least a few months after my divorce I began making friends of opposite sex. I don't even care to do that this time. And the thing is, out of the year we were together, I can honestly say maybe only 3 months were good before things went down hill with the remainder of time being nothing but fights and treating each other like crap, with her running and me chasing until she eventually had the courage to say what I was feeling: that she didn't see a future with me. Which is about as definitive as it gets.

 

The problem is I cannot for the life of me find closure and so I can't put myself on a new path. I've analyzed it, I haven't begged, I've went through the motions, I've played it cool, I've been angry, I have done NC, I've made friends, started new activities, I have even told her I would not pay back the remainder of her debt AND sent hate mail to eliminate any reason for her ever contacting me again and push her away for good. I wanted to make it clear to myself, that this is about as OVER as it gets. So far that seemed to have worked since I have not heard from her anymore, and while I'm not so sure anymore if that was the best idea.....whatever....the point is as far as my own feelings, NOTHING helps. I can't muster enough enthusiasm and energy to care about anything or do anything as far as my personal life and career is concerned and keep going around in circles. I have talked to friends, family members, and I just can't seem to wrap it up into that life lesson I'm supposed to take from all this in order for me to move on. I can't become positive and excited about my future no matter what I do. I'm just totally complacent and wasting time and standing still.

 

My biggest issue remains this: I basically feel like I ASKED for this woman, years before I met her before I even thought she existed. I'm talking everything from nationality, to personality, to similar defects down to the length of her hair and exact tone of her skin and under the only circumstances I would consider convenient for me. She wasn't supposed to exist. And if she did, we certainly were not supposed to meet. Because if she did and we met that would be the only way I would ever consider marriage again. I had two other relationships prior to meeting her and I had this attitude at that time. But we did meet, and we didn't end up married. In fact it wasn't even that great of a relationship. So what now? What does this all mean?

 

This wasn't a case of where you meet a person and then realize she's the one. This is a case of where years before I met her, I said to myself the one for me would be this, this and this....and then you meet her. And then things go south and you come to the conclusion that you are not "that" person for her. That was not supposed to happen. I just feel like something went wrong there.

 

That's my viewpoint and because of that I believed in us so much that I allowed her to step all over my principles, forgot about myself, and then beat her down right back and scolded her for stepping all over my principles and myself. I just can't figure out how to wrap my head around this whole thing and make it some sort of life lesson or coincidence or slogan that will give me the strength and enthusiasm to move forward. I just can't and I am badly needing that. I mean what am I supposed to say to myself? Life's a * * * * * and that's irony for you? That's my lesson? That's the attitude I'm supposed to have from here on out?

 

I'll even go between thinking I'm completely over her and then I still at times think I would want her back. I'll even say stupid things like this in my own head: "I could never take her back. I have never taken anyone back. Especially someone that disrespects me, steps all over me, my principles, and shows absolutely no consideration for anyone but herself." Then....the next day or an hour later I'll say: "Well hell, if you had the opportunity, you've already broken every single one of your principles with her anyway, why not break the "never take her back" one too?" And then I go back to "hey moron, she told you she doesn't see a future with you, get it through your head".....to...."yeah but I also know she never means what she says nor actually knows what she really wants so who the hell cares what she says".

 

I swear I feel I am completely retarded arguing, and playing devil advocate with myself in my own head. Is there any hope or help for me? Can anyone help me see what I need to see out of all of this?

[joswsieg]

It takes time my friend.

[whynotme8826]

It, too, has amazed me that I've struggled more with the end of a dating (off and on for more than three years) relationship than with the end of my two-decade marriage. My humble opinion, is when a marriage comes to an end, both partners have had an opportunity to make the relationship work and last. Often times in a dating relationship, one is denied that same opportunity. So, there seems so much left unsaid and undone. I've tried dating other men, and it actually makes my feelings stronger for my ex boyfriend and miss him more. Our relationship was very normal and healthy for the first year and a half--but, for the past year and a half, it is not much more than an occasional date followed by a slumber party. I've told him "goodbye" more than a few times, but he always comes back as though there is nothing wrong--of course, when he does come back, I'm always delighted to hear from him and we have a wonderful time together. We never argue or fight.

 

I'm curious to know how you went against your principles--because, I've done the same.

[banal]

It, too, has amazed me that I've struggled more with the end of a dating (off and on for more than three years) relationship than with the end of my two-decade marriage. My humble opinion, is when a marriage comes to an end, both partners have had an opportunity to make the relationship work and last. Often times in a dating relationship, one is denied that same opportunity. So, there seems so much left unsaid and undone.

 

This is a great point. I got out of a long-term relationship a few years back and had no hard feelings and neither did my ex. In fact, we're still very good friends. How? Because we tried almost everything we could to make it work - in many ways, it was like a marriage (we lived together, did a lot together, etc). No one can understand how we've remained such good friends, and it all comes down to the fact that we both accepted the end of the road for our relationship.

[hausser]

Interesting point. Paul Mckenna's take on this is that the amount of grieving you go through is directly linked to how much you envisaged your partner as "the one" i.e. made long term commitment/investment in "i'll be with her forver".

 

Though with you guys being previously married that kind of blows that out the water lol.

[banal]

There's no profound lesson to take from all of this. That may not be what you want to hear OP, but it's the truth. Cliches and gimmicks and all of those platitudes are designed to extract some good out of tragedy. After a breakup, we create a narrative, a story, that helps us to understand and to justify what had happened against our will. Just because we do this, though, doesn't mean that we're discovering actual truths about ourselves or the universe. We're coping.

 

What can you take from it? That being human is hard. That we take risks when we fall in love with other people, and that these people are under no obligation to return our love. That what seems so perfect and wonderful actually is not. That healing may never fully happen.

 

That listening to Moby helps.

[whynotme8826]

Sometimes there is the love you never fully get over - a harsh reality, indeed. Many say time heals, but understanding is what heals--and that is what takes time.

[GrowingIn]

I definitely agree that the fact that it feels "she never gave it a real shot" makes it harder to bear....but whatever. It's done. I need to be able to wrap this up and get over it and I just have yet to find that closure inside so I can move on.

 

I wish I could lie to myself, and trick my mind into thinking she's just another woman, but the reality of the situation won't let me. I know better. We walked the same streets as 5 year olds for crying out loud and met in our late 20s in another country thousands of miles from where we were both born. That IS the reality.

 

How do I just say....."meh.....big deal"....to that? "Screw her, who cares?" I feel like I'd be going against who I am as a person, if I ever actually didn't care about that.

[banal]

Who says you can?

 

You're at the stage where you'll begin moving on after you've begun to develop feelings for someone else. There's nothing you can tell yourself that'll help.

[whynotme8826]

The truth is there isn't anything you can do to stop caring about her---but let's face it, it's the wondering what she is doing or with whom she is with is what really stops you dead in your tracks. The best thing you can do for yourself is to do what makes you feel good and do it with a good friend or relative--somebody who will listen to you tell the same story over and over again without telling you to "get over it" "move on" "you deserve better" etc. This summer I did a few things I've always wanted to do but never took the time. Nothing expensive--mostly day trips to cities, towns, state parks that I've always wanted to visit. Though he is never too far from my thoughts, I am distracted--at least for a few hours. It isn't much, but it does help--just a bit.

[GrowingIn]

Well I always keep things simple. Don't lie to me, don't disrespect me, don't betray me. Forgive once, forgive twice, walk away the third time and never look back. Not only did she do all of those things, and I stuck by her, something I never have before, but she went way beyond that...and I kept forgiving. The thing is I said and did some really messed up things to her too.....and she forgave me too. Which make me like her even more. We saw the worst in each other and still slept together afterwards and could be on good terms....I felt like there was only one way to go from there. Up!

 

Whynotme, that's hardly a significant part of it. Yeah I would llike to know and have that closure but I don't actually think about who she is with that much and in all honesty it would probably do more harm than good anyway. I know she's seeing someone now, and she most likely also slept with someone else right before she broke up with me....but that doesn't actually bother me as much as you would think, especially now and especially since we're most likely never going to be together again. Not something I have to deal with. Because believe it or not, the way I see things, I'm also pretty sure there's no one like me for her to run into around here either. He might be better looking, he might have more money, maybe even better in bed....I don't care....our roots are our roots. The way I feel connected to her goes beyond sex, or emotions, or even a relationship. You know what I mean?

 

My biggest issue is just not being able to get over it all because of who she is, the fact it didn't work out and the fact that I just don't really see how I can top it. After my previous relationships I knew pretty well what I wanted, and what would be better for me next time, and also what I didn't want especially around the 5 month mark. I just didn't believe she existed. This time....even when I'm calm and collected.....I just can't think of a more compatible partner.

 

So all I want is to be able to move on.....knowing I can't find a more compatible partner. How do you do that?

[kristenjo]

I echo what everyone else said. The hardest relationships for me to get over have been some of the shortest ones. One 4 year relationship ended, I was completely done at that point and there was no looking back. Easiest breakup ever. But with short ones there's a feeling of unfinished business since you don't have all that history. But I also understand how it can seem like you met someone by destiny. Hell, it took me 5 years to get over that one. Why did you break up? Is there any way you can try to salvage the relationship since you feel so strongly about her?

[whynotme8826]

Is it possible you're over fantasizing your relationship--that you're so compatible? In your own words, you both did some "messed up things" to one another. Were these "messed up things" in retaliation or out of anger or spite?

 

It's hard to know if you will ever meet "a more compatible partner" but with that mindset--you're sure not to.

[GrowingIn]

I echo what everyone else said. The hardest relationships for me to get over have been some of the shortest ones. One 4 year relationship ended, I was completely done at that point and there was no looking back. Easiest breakup ever. But with short ones there's a feeling of unfinished business since you don't have all that history. But I also understand how it can seem like you met someone by destiny. Hell, it took me 5 years to get over that one. Why did you break up? Is there any way you can try to salvage the relationship since you feel so strongly about her?

 

Don't get me started on destiny because I could make a never ending list of things. And I don't know if there is or if I want to, because it's probably not a good idea. If there was a way to salvage it I'm pretty sure I put a nail in the coffin with the last conversation I had. It's not me that left and I feel it would be a fool's errand to try. I'd just be humiliating myself further by attempting anything like that. No, I think a good kick in the ass like I last sent her was way more appropriate. I'm done chasing her. That was the problem in the first place. You chase she runs. It gets old quick and doesn't make for a stable relationship. She feels like she's the most important thing since slice bread while I feel worthless. Forget it. Maybe in another life or if we're different people.

 

It's not my place to do anything but figure out a way to just move on.

[whynotme8826]

The mind is a powerful tool. If you truly want to move on, you will. My dilemma is that I don't want to move on from him.

[GrowingIn]

Sometimes it was out of retaliation and other times impulsive self defense to her attacks. The main underlying issue was she can't/won't commit, or she couldn't/wouldn't commit to me, while I was committed and looking for her to meet me half way. That was the underlying issue beneath everything that took place. How it played out wasn't pretty.

 

It's irrelevant to me at this point if I will ever meet a more compatible partner. That's just the thing. I need to be able to move on without the need to believe in that.

[whynotme8826]

Chase a butterfly and watch it fly away; wait patiently and it might rest upon your shoulder. Along the way, I've learned you cannot ask, even politely, for a commitment. It has to emerge willingly--from both parties. I've been on both sides of that fence. It can hurt when you're the one asking for the commitment, but it can feel as though the walls are closing in when somebody is requesting it from you.

[GrowingIn]

Which is what I was doing. But it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who will not commit to anything, even a simple compromise, in order to work out a small issue that causes unnecessary fights. Not even something that lasted one day. You have to work together if you want a relationship, and she was terrified of or couldn't practice this. She likes to compete, non-stop.

 

If I pulled her closer, she kept pushing away. If I waited she would start losing interest. I know she has a history of doing exactly this to everyone she's been with, but you still can't help but feel that if you were the right guy for her, she wouldn't be like this. That's basically how I ended up feeling at the end of the relationship. You might be right in that you need to be incredibly patient, but that also required that I receive.....nothing.....no reciprocation for God knows how long, along with her doing things that, like I said above, falls in the line of lies, disrespect, inconsideration, betrayal, etc.

 

I was in no rush to marry her. But there was no moving forward either. However the way I looked at it, and this is what kept me going, is if she really does want a family and kids someday, and this really is how she IS, and it has nothing to do with her partner, then she has to change something in order for her to ever get married and have kids. It's impossible otherwise. I was aware of what was going on with her and us. I think she saw this as well. I believe most of her other boyfriends played her game, and while I couldn't do anything but play the game as well, I was mature enough to at least SEE the game at all times. I would try to point it out, but it fell on deaf years and trying to figure out if she just couldn't see it while she was in a relationship or didn't want to admit she is doing it on purpose was the hardest part and to this day the thing that bugs me the most.

 

As far as your metaphor, I would describe it more like trying to catch a porcupine that's shedding needles right into your skin as its running away. That was the relationship. And if you just sit there and do nothing, it just kind of starts wondering off, checking out the surroundings until they decide they want something from you and remember you exist.

[whynotme8826]

It is kind of interesting, but you haven't painted a very pretty portrait of your relationship with her. What is or was it about her that is so attractive and keeps you hanging on?