why would my ex-girlfriend lead me on for so long? (long post)

[town98]

I will try to make this long story short. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for one year. For years before we met she had planned on moving out of state, and was supposed to just a month after we met, but she didn't, I'm guessing to be with me. Ever since day one, our relationship was amazing, and we became so close and had such a strong connection. Just three months after we met, she told me that I am her best friend, the one for her, and she wants to marry me, even though she never really wanted a boyfriend before and didn't believe in marriage before me. A few months later she moved in with me, and we planned on living together and her staying until I graduate and we both move out of state together.

 

Close to the end of our year together, she started to become distant. She then told me that she couldn't wait 7 more months for me to graduate college, and needed to move out of state as soon as possible. She assured me that she believed we would make it through the long distance relationship and that when I graduate she would want me to move in with her and we would continue on together. I became insecure, and did not handle her moving early at all. I was worried she was moving because she didn't want to be with me anymore. We started getting into fights every few weeks, ending in one really big fight. After that fight she stayed with a friend for a few weeks. She came back, telling me that she loves me and wants to work things out, but she is leaving in a week, and we could use time apart to focus on our own things for a while, and she didn't want to be broken up during our time apart.

 

Our last week together, it really felt like she was still in love with me. I told her when she left, to just be honest with me, to tell me if her feelings change, just don't lead me on or string me along. After she left, we talked every few days and she continued to tell me she loves me, but it just felt different to me. One night she called me late and drunk, told me that she can't lie to me, we aren't together right now, but she loves me so much and misses me, and I am her best friend. A few days later I called her and asked her how she felt, and all she would say is that she loves me and would like to be together again, but we don't know what is going to happen and I shouldn't worry about it, that I have other things to focus on.

 

For a few more months after that, she continued to call me every week to say hi and chit chat, and would tell me she loves me. One day she called me drunk, and told me that she hopes she isn't leading me on, she loves me and always will and I am her best friend, but doesn't know what is going to happen with us. She said she went on a date, and I should date other people as well and not wait around for her. It felt like she was trying to say that she loves me, but is not in love with me and just wants to be friends. I called her a few days later and told her so, and that if that's the case, to just tell me and she won't lose me as a friend. Her reply was that I was thinking too much, she was drunk and people say weird things when they are drunk and she loves me and would like to be together again, but we don't know what will happen, we need this time apart, and she doesn't know what she wants right now. I believe honesty comes out when someone is drunk. I told her once again, to just be honest with me and not lead me on.

 

After that, she continued to call every week. Half the calls were sober, half were drunk dials. Every drunk dial she would tell me she loves me so much and misses me, that I have to come visit her, and that she wishes I were there right now. She also began texting me pictures of herself (nothing sexual, just the type of pictures someone would put on facebook or something), sometimes sober and sometimes drunk. The sober calls felt different, like she was obligated to call me and say hi and I love you. Something happened to her, and I knew she was really down physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had graduated by this time, and offered to take some days off from work to visit her and be there for her, and take care of her. She said that she really does love me but it is not a good idea, she couldn't handle it right then. In the same conversation she said that she wished I was there right then, but don't come, its not a good idea....

 

A few weeks later, I couldn't take this back and forth, I needed the truth. I decided to visit her without telling her. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe it was too soon, maybe it was just a bad idea all around. My thought was that if she really did love me and want me to visit her like she kept telling me, it would be a good, romantic surprise. If she was leading me on, I could finally get the truth from her face to face without her dodging the subject. She wasn't happy to see me, but she wasn't mad either, at least she didn't act mad. Each night I was there we had sex and she continued to say she loves me before bed, but it was awkward besides that. Before I left to go home, I asked her again what was going on, and how she felt. She gave the same response as always. I asked her to stop avoiding the subject, and be honest with me. She said maybe its time for me to let go and move on, and that she doesn't think we are right for each other and she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. She said that she hadn't told me before because she didn't want to hurt me. She walked me to my cab, hugged me and kissed me on the lips and told me that next time we visit each other it will be better, and that she loves me....

 

A few weeks after I returned home I sent her a letter telling her how confused and hurt I was. If she didn't love me, why text me pictures of herself and call each week, say she loves me, and wishes I was there with her and need to visit. Maybe my unannounced visit screwed things up, but if she loved me, how would my visit ruin anything? Before getting my letter, she sent me a text that included "XOXO". We talked after she got my letter, and she acted like she was doing nothing wrong, and she felt that nothing she had been doing or saying was leading me on. In the same conversation she went back and forth between saying that my showing up without telling her showed her I didn't understand our need for time apart and so we aren't right for each other, and also saying that she didn't have the same feelings for me for a while but didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. It was obvious she didn't want to talk about it. The next day she texted me saying that she loves me and always will, that she wants me to be a part of her life, that she never wanted to hurt me, and that I mean a lot to her, but if it is going to be like this we may need a clean break. I told her that I sent the letter to tell her how I felt, and that I am even more confused than before, nothing adds up. She replied that she is confused too.

 

Three weeks after that, she texted me late at night, possibly drunk, asking how things were and she wanted to say hi because we hadn't talked in a while. During the texting conversation, she said that she misses me, and asked if I had been on any dates. She later said she will let me get to sleep, and immediately after sent a text saying "

 

After telling me she doesn't love me like that anymore and we aren't right for each other, why is she texting things like "xoxo", "

[DN]

I think you should tell her that you are going to take her at her word that it is over and she doesn't love you any more and have decided to move on.

[Hollyj]

I hate to say it but, she is string you along.

 

Give yourself some peace and go NC.

[chitown9]

I truly love my husband and I am not confused about it. I don't send him inconsistant messages. This is the way it should be for you as well. It is time to move on

[Acrylamide]

It's probably time to move on. My ex did something similar where she would send me cards and mix tapes (it was summer and she went back home to her hometown after college) and call me telling she missed me and wished I was there. She also wanted to do all these things when she got back. However, something changed and she abruptly ended the relationship saying I was being insecure and I wasn't giving her space. I hadn't seen her for 2 months so I was completely confused. I would text her and if she was hanging out with her friends I would kindly say, "have fun!" or something similar to show I didn't want to bother her. That didn't stop her from sending pictures of the things she was doing, which showed she cared and that she wanted me to text her.

 

But all that changed. And it hurt ridiculously and still does. I had to confront her to get complete closure and she started saying all these things like she didn't feel the same way anymore and that the summer made her realized she liked me only as a friend even though we went out for 4 months. The problem was that she said she felt this way during the summer, yet never mentioned anything and lead me on while I awaited her return.

 

Best thing to do is to initiate NC and let everything settle. She seems to be leading you on and it will just hurt even more if you follow.

[dasilva045]

Hey Ive been in the same situation except I was with my ex for 5.5 years and then she left me saying I treated her badly and that I was a bad boyfriend. I left her alone for a month and then she came back to me trying to be my friend and that she didnt have feelings for me anymore. Yet, we hung out for a whole week and we acted like we were together. Kissing, holding hands, alt the things a couple would do, yet she didnt want a relationship with me because she said she lost all feelings for me when it was clearly evident she didnt. So I told her I couldnt be friends anymore and to leave me alone. My question for you is how old is this girl?

[Acrylamide]

If that question is directed towards me... she is 19. I still don't understand what happened since everything was going so great. I didn't think someone could just one day wake up and say, "Hey, I realized during the summer that I like you as a friend only," even when we did all that stuff...

[town98]

She is 28. I know I need to move on, and I should just have no contact with her. My problem is that I keep looking for signs of hope that she does still love me and that we have some chance to be together again. I also have the problem of trying to understand her behavior. Why could she not just be honest with me like I asked her.

[chitown9]

You are looking for signs of hope that you will be together

Answer: There are no signs of hope because there is no hope.

 

You are trying to understand her behavior. Answer: There are somethings in life that you will never understand.

 

You don't understand why she was not honest with you.

Answer: There was no motivation for her to be honest with you.

 

I am sorry for your pain...

[animal 2011]

ok. the girl loves you but your'e not the one for her. she wants to break it off but it hurts her to do so because break ups are hard for everyone involved. she didnt have the courage to break up entirely at the beginning and she was in the grieving process herself thats why she called and lead you on. she was hurt too and didnt want to hurt you. we still can miss the people we break up with and it hurts like hell. you need to move on from her because i guarantee thats what she wants in the end. im sorry for your loss. im going through it too, only im the girl in this situation. ive done just what she has. its wrong but people are weak sometimes and dont make the best decisions especially when hurting.

[spirit579]

I was with her for 6 years and to me it was out of no where she wanted to separate. So I moved out and gave her the space she wanted. Next thing I know she wants a divorce, so I agreed to that. Now I have completely stopped contacting her. Which amazingly has gotten her to be in almost constant contact with me. Almost every day she will poke me on FaceBook, send me a text, or call me. She also calls me sweet pet names and says she misses me. Not only that but send private pictures of herself to me. How confusing is that? We are raising kids together but they are not actually mine. I have stepped up to be their dad. So the only time I contact her is about the kids. With my situation I believe she wants to let me go but not too far. She doesn't want me completely gone. She isn't seeing anyone else and isn't interested in anyone else. We all have issues and she finally realized she has issues too she needs to work on. I am her third Husband by the way. After 5 years she pushed the first one away, after 5 years she pushed the second away, then 5 years later she tried pushing me away but I fought back for a year. So now she will be going through therapy to find out why she can't be happy when she has everything and more that anyone would be happy with. For me I have found that I had to figure out exactly what I want from her. Ultimately I want to be with her for life, but for now I just want to be friends while I work on my problems and enjoy life. By only expecting friendship from her when she kisses me it is a bonus. My emotions don't go running all over the place. I get to feel loved. With me not contacting her she is going crazy wondering what I'm up to. Every now and then I will tell one of her friends or relatives about something I did that was really fun. I know they will tell her too. When she finds out she instantly starts asking questions. I just give short answers and keep her wondering. I've become that mystery man she really wants to know about. People tend to think of the worst possible situation when they don't know things. So I haven't gone completely no contact but very close. I see her once a week for about five minutes and when I do I'm all happy and confident. The weekends are the hardest but also the best. They are the hardest because I want to hang out with her but they are also the best because I don't contact her at all or respond to her. She knows I would reply unless I was busy, if I'm busy on a weekend what could that mean. hehe It actually just means I'm working out and after that i'm going to watch a movie. Maybe I will turn my phone back on later. The most important thing anyone can do in any situation like this is live your life, do whatever it is that you deep down inside really want to do. Find that person that is you again and learn to love that person again. Once you love yourself and your life others will flock to you.