I have a problem comforting my girlfriend

[Fela Kuti]

Hi guys,

 

Whenever my gf is having a bad day/mood, I just don't know what to say. Let's put aside hugging her or something physical because over the phone that's not possible. I'm just able to ask her questions about her problems but that's it. I can't think of comforting words to say except for the usual "It'll be okay" bull**** and even that sounds kinda forced coming from my mouth. So, anyone can help me here? Thanks.

[banal]

It may not be you - some people cannot be "comforted" or they flat out refuse to be.

[teabee]

Don't worry too too much about what to say, cause then your attention is split between listening and worrying about what your next line should be. Just be a really good listener and give her the attention and she will feel it. When I'm keyed up and need to talk to my bf, sometimes I will say 95% and he'll say about 5.

 

Just make sure she knows you're listening and not just sitting silently as your mind wanders. I recommend "active listening" which is attentive silence with mhm's to show you are listening and to encourage her to keep going (likely you already do this). If she's in front of you, nod appropriately. Agree with her if she's ranting about something (she needs you on her side). Validation is THE best comfort. So you could try things like, "Yeah that IS frustrating," "I see where you're coming from," and "it makes sense that you're feeling like that," as opposed to, "Well... it's ok!" Validation is the way to go, because she doesn't need you to fix it or make everything sunny, she needs to feel heard and understood.

 

You could also search around for words that make her feel relieved, which is what it sounds like you're already doing for her. You won't always find the right words, but she will always appreciate the effort. Look for things that are just a little further up in positive-ness than where she's currently at. If I'm in a mood about an issue, I would rather hear for example, "That sucks. It's a good thing you got outta there as soon as you could," cause those words give me something a little happier to think about, but I'm not ready to hear: "It will work out, it's fine, be happy now."

 

Asking questions is really good, keep doing that for sure! Figure out how to ask "how did that make you feel" but without sounding like a therapist. It feels weird to ask it, but it is such a good question. Towards the wind-down, ask what she thinks she wants to do about it next. That moves things along to a more productive, empowering state of mind. Slip in praise for her if it feels genuine (cause that's validation too), like: "I know it sucks, but you're handling it really well," or "You have really good insight into what's going on." Yeah, obviously you'll want to find your own words because I am talking like a woman and my words probably won't quite fit you, but I hope my perspective gives you some ideas. You are probably doing way better than you think, and it's just your own doubt making you feel like it's not enough. Take it easy, just the fact that your asking this question shows you are doing a good job

[mfan]

Hi guys,

 

Whenever my gf is having a bad day/mood, I just don't know what to say. Let's put aside hugging her or something physical because over the phone that's not possible. I'm just able to ask her questions about her problems but that's it. I can't think of comforting words to say except for the usual "It'll be okay" bull**** and even that sounds kinda forced coming from my mouth. So, anyone can help me here? Thanks.

You don't have to tell her it'll be okay if you don't believe it will be. Stick to what you can promise her. Say "I'm here for you", "We'll talk about it", "I'm always here for you if you want to talk about it", "That sounds awful." "We can talk as much as you want", "I'm sorry you feel that way", or rephrase/paraphrase things she says, like if she says "I hate my coworkers and I wish I could kill all of them" then just respond "It sounds like you really wish you could be rid of them forever" or some such. Or just admit you don't know what to say: "I don't know what to say, but I care about you a lot and I want you to be happy."

 

In fact, you have a good instinct when you don't want to say "It'll be okay" because you recognize that that's kind of a ridiculous thing to say. Similar with "I understand" or "I know how you feel" - these are usually bad things to say because the other person won't believe you could understand it if you didn't go through it.

[Ariel85]

When women vent to their friends, the last thing we want to hear, or do hear, actually, is "it will be OK." If I was told this, I would assume the other person wasn't listening.

 

What women want is support and validation. They want someone to get as upset as they are and echo their feelings. So, if she's upset because her sister said something mean, then you say, "What is wrong with her? I hate when she talks to you like this. She must be jealous." If she screwed up at work, then you say, "ugh. That so sucks. I remember I once did something similar at work...".

 

Women bond over shared experiences during conversation. If I'm in a bathroom at a club and two women are complaining about guys and how one of their BF's did xyz, I'll jump right in with a similar story. They will respond with "oh, yeah, totally!" And it becomes a little hen party. This is how women bond. We share our experiences, and we want to feel that someone else really gets us.