Getting over the x spouse

[helplesslyhoping]

We were on a roller coaster the last 3 years of our marriage and we have been divorced for almost a year. We have a beautiful 12yr old daughter, he moved 2 blocks away and he's a great guy. We have remained friends. We talk almost daily. He's at all our daughters sporting events, school activities, he has helped me and her financially in ways he isn't legally bound to. He's one of my biggest cheerleaders as I'm finishing school, working 2PT jobs and trying to be a good mom. In my minds eye I see us back together at some point. Am I putting my life on hold waiting? Absolutely not. I do date, no one special but I do go out. But it always comes back to he is the one I'm supposed to be with. At what point does that change? When does a birthday or holiday pass that you don't think about the other person and wish they were there?

[Deciduous]

Hi helplesslyhoping,

 

At what point does it change?

 

How can it, sweetie? You're carrying out an emotionally affair with your ex-husband. Don't see it as a divorce! See it as midly shifting the boundaries. Different houses. Same relationship minus the sex. How can anybody else come into your life now? There simply isn't room. And this won't change by itself.

 

Presumably why you have agreed to this is to avoid the pain of divorce and a failed marriage. You've both closed your eyes and pretended it didn't happen. Far easier to hold on tightly to the past than to face an uncertain future.

 

And why did the marriage fail? You painted a perfect picture. Best friends, close confidantes. But that isn't quite the truth. Last year you both trotted off to the divorce courts because things had gotten so bad. Some-one left some-one. Was it you? Was it your husband? I'm betting it was the husband, because despite the fact he went through all the trouble of divorce, you still feel there will be a romantic ending.

 

There are specific reasons why the marriage failed. That can't be addressed whilst you are so dependent upon each other for emotional intimacy.

 

What happens in all of these cases, is one partner meets another person. The other person is dragged unceromoniously out of the cosy cocoon. They feel shocked, betrayed and abandoned. And all the feelings that would have come up upon divorce.

 

Now I don't want to be sexist, but it is usually the man who makes the leap only when there is another offer pending. I would highly suggest counselling to establish what you are expecting of each other. It's not uncommon to find one person is merely filling in time until their next relationship begins. Whilst the other expects to be re-united. You may find you both have very different ideas of where the friendship is leading.

 

Having said all that, let us not forget that Kathleen Turner who still goes on holiday with ex husband of 20+ years. As far as I'm aware neither has started a new relationship.

 

Deci xxx

[Mauxly]

Deci is right on the money here. You are bound to be torn when he meets someone new.

 

On one hand it sounds like you guys are healthy. On the other...are you simply postponing the pain?

 

I'd also like to know the reasons for the divorce.

[dabbledave]

Now I don't want to be sexist, but it is usually the man who makes the leap only when there is another offer pending.

 

Maybe "usually" but not in my case.

 

For the OP you make great points. Good post.

 

DD