can abusers change?

[ashleylehann]

i was in a abusive relationship , i am still in that relationship but im praying that he has really changed now. Im only 22 and weve been together since we were 18 and i only started to notice he was abusive a year after i moved in with him, when my self esteem and self worth had been shattered and i wanted to die. he made me into somewhat of a prisoner and made me feel ugly and disgusting and when ever i tried to comfront him with sad emotions he would also get angry at me and try to say i was blaming him and make it all my fault. I had no car or job so i depended on him. he was very defensive and very manipulative , when ever we first got together i was beautiful and i never had a bad thought about anything really, i was very positive . and now I suffer from anxiety , i cant be around people because he has made me to believe that i smell bad and that im over wieght (im 119 by the way) and i have suffered from suicidal thoughts and eating dissorders and the incidents were so traumatizing that i cant go a day without thinking about them, which is very hard for me because i am now a full time student and i can never focus or get any work done. I used to be very creative and artistic , and he is also an artist and very jealous so when friends of ours would come over he would try to hide my art work or mask my talents so that they wouldn't know about them. hes cheated on me numerous times , each time telling me that it was because the girl was more attractive and that it was because i smelled and because of my lazy eye (its not even noticeable) and i actually believed him. All of these insults were not particularily out loud he was very discreet and manipulative in how he delivered his insults so that if i ever tried to confront him he could lash out at me and say i was paranoid, which ofcourse i started to believe. and its resulted in a crushed self esteem i would cover my face when i was around people and i had tons of friends and they have almost all dissapeared because i never want to go out, and he made me feel that if i ever left from around him he woul cheat on me. it was a cycle of this for all the years we were together but now im am very aware of whats going on and i called him out and left him shook. i guess being a abuse victim its hard for me to leave, i know that i would be happier without him , much healthier and i know that its wrong for me to stay but i cant leave him. i would have no where to go if i left we stay with him and his family and they also abused me but only beause he would tell them lies , saying i was fooling around with his best friend, or saying that i was trying to take him away from his family , so that they would treat me bad. now his family loves me and i prayed for him to change and it seems like he has, he has admitted to treating me wrong (has not admitted to abuse) and when i proposed therapy he got angry with me , but he has changed significantly i just hope it lasts, he always starts to love me agin in the fall smh i know that sounds crazy but thats how it is, every summer since weve been together he will cheat on me, the way he always get these girls is by lying to them, just like how he go me. ive left my him several times but i always come back. i would never wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy and now that hes "changed" i still cannot help bu have angry outbursts at him because i cant forget what has happened, i try so hard too but it seems like i never will. He would even humiliate and bully me infornt of his cousins , he would pick on me around them "behind my back" so they would start to pick on me. I could never understand how he coud say he loved me but then treat me like he hated me, I still dont understand that.I am very over analytical now due to his passive abuse and having to think about everthng i said and did, i know that i can be happy , once we were broken up for a month because he left me for some 18 year old and i found someone that treated me very sepcial i was so happy and beautiful and fit and after we got back together i developed stretch marks from gaining and loosing weight so much and i lost alot of my hair. he is not doing anything right now but i cant help but feel like hes going to do it agin. i just really want to know if it is possible for abusers to really change and if i will ever be able to put these traumatic experiences behind me. please help me, and if not atleast tell me some of your stories i feel very alone.

[bulletproof]

I would say that yes, some abusers can change, but that is a very long process that involves lots of hard work. And you should not be around each other while that process is happening. Sticking around to see if his change is permanent or not seems like a really unhealthy idea for you. It sounds like his new change has only been for a short time- maybe a matter of weeks? That is not long enough, in my opinion, to be significant. If I were you I'd get out and make sure that you are strong enough so that if he didn't change, you are not left a mess. Work on getting a job and a support group so that you don't feel so alone and so dependent on him.

[ForumGuy]

I don't know if they have them where you live, but where I live they have shelters for abused women and it doesn't have to be battery. There is probably too much water under the bridge with him for things to end up happily. It would be a great feat for you to ever forget about the cheating and emotional pain from him cutting you down. My God, you have been through it long enough to pattern it through the seasons!

 

Look for a shelter of some kind if you have no where else to go, and see if he steps up to the plate. The only way it will work is if he does it for himself and not under the guise of getting you back. He has to believe you are not coming back as hard as it is.

[kath]

Yes, abusers certainly can change. BUT only a small percentage of them do change and it takes a lot of time to change one's abusive tendencies and thoughts (because he believes that he's justified and he can do whatever he want to you, and he needs to let go of those thoughts). It takes time and serious effort and most certainly professional help. And most importantly, he has to really WANT TO change.

 

So, I'd say the odds are maybe around 5% that he will change with time. Most abusers never change, and any noticeable change in their behavior is likely to be short-term and akin to acting. They do sometimes act like they're now different, so you'd stick around for some more awful abuse. My ex most certainly did. Being seemingly nice is all a part of the cycle and it's designed to make you feel confused and give up your plans of leaving.

 

The real question here isn't if he can change, the real question here is if you are willing to live with those odds. I wouldn't.

 

It's extremely difficult to leave such a person but it can be done. And you're gonna need all the help you can get, so the people who've already replied are right: you need to call a shelter and ask for help. Also ask anyone you trust - family, friends, people you know.

 

What he has done to you is awful and extremely abusive. You are not the reason though. It's him, he's sick and none of what he did is OK. I'm sorry it happened to you. I've been there, you can look up my story if you want by clicking on my user name and finding threads started by me. And there are many similar stories posted here. You're not alone!

[sjustine]

I would say he could change, but only with a lot of hard work and years of therapy. Some people just aren't willing to do that. Please do not put yourself in a situation of abuse! Your self esteem is worth too much! Go find a nice guy who respects you and forget about this one. Please, you can leave him, it can be done. Stay with some friends for a while where you know you'll be safe. I don't think you owe him any explanation for leaving.

[EllaLouise]

I would say that yes, some abusers can change, but that is a very long process that involves lots of hard work. And you should not be around each other while that process is happening. Sticking around to see if his change is permanent or not seems like a really unhealthy idea for you. It sounds like his new change has only been for a short time- maybe a matter of weeks? That is not long enough, in my opinion, to be significant. If I were you I'd get out and make sure that you are strong enough so that if he didn't change, you are not left a mess. Work on getting a job and a support group so that you don't feel so alone and so dependent on him.

Best advice ever.

[nicoleh24]

He does not value you. He is not going to change. Im sorry, but if he cannot admit the abuse then he will not change-its like an alcoholic or drug addict the first step is admitting the problem.

 

im so sorry youre going through this. Im going through the same thing right now. I keep going back to him-I feel pathetic.

 

My guy has also made MANY little remarks regarding my appearance, weight, breast, nose, hes made fun of my teeth (which i have always gotten compliments on)...now its like all that self estemm i once had and what every nice things people have said to me in the past dont even matter. All i can think about are the harsh little comments hes made about my appearance...and has had the nerve to get mad at ME when I spoke up for myself. My self esteem is crushed-I feel so ugly I dont even care about washing my hair doing my makeup any more. Things I used to do. I used to be such a diva but I feel like an ugly old troll now why bother.

 

Have you considered therapy?

 

Feel free to PM me. Im going through the same thing if you ever just want to vent.

[brew]

He won't change. Can he? Yes, but he won't. You are 22, get out and get on with your life.