Can "low passion" relationship survive long term?

[dark angel9]

I am really unsure about this.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. He was never really my physical type but I gave him a chance anyway. I fell in love as we have the best emotional and intellectual connection ever. Sex was good and regular (5x a week) but it was never "out of this world" variety. I was honestly happy with this.

 

We had some fights recently and he admitted that I am not his physical type and that he feels that there is not that much passion in our relationship but that there is enough. I was hurt by this.... He thinks that we have a deeper connection and that relationships built on passion never last anyway. He told me that he loves me more than he ever did anyone. That he feels closest to me...but that there are girls that he felt more physical attraction towards in the past. Those girls weren't his girlfriends. He also said that our relationship is not ideal (due to lack of passion) but that it is the closest to the ideal he thinks he will find. He wasn't a jerk about this, we had an open discussion. He said that there are moments when he asks himself "is what we have enough". He also went on to say that he IS attracted to me, just not the "OMG I want to do it all day" variety. He did say that he feels more passion now that he did at the start due to our emotional bond deepening.

 

He is very affectionate towards me. He is always touching me (I was honestly surprised to hear that he is not that physically into me).

 

He is fully committed and treats me like a queen. He has also asked me to move in with him and is talking about marriage and kids. We have been through some hard times (illness, distance) and our relationship has always endured. However, I do wish deep down that I am his physical type and that I rock his world in that way. I do get some pangs of sadness because I know that I do not. I am actually quite attractive....but I guess not enough.

 

Any words of wisdom? I would be absolutely shattered if we broke up.

[Ms Darcy]

Honestly, in my dating experience, I have learned that sometimes you don't need to know EVERYTHING that's going on in each other's heads. You had doubts about him; he has doubts about you. That's all very normal and natural in this early stage of the game. As time goes on, if committment is there "passion" - or the perception of it - can grow and change. It sounds like he has a more mature love for you and that he's finally learning that he's not going to find the Rhodes Scholar supermodel of his dreams to marry. That's his process. Let him go through it.

 

You enjoy the relationship. Be yourself. Also, be FUN! Have a great time with him and enjoy some spontaneity. Hang up all this talking and enjoy being with him.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't move in with him any time soon. Those were pretty passive-aggressive things he said to you. They were unnecessary burdens to put on you and they give you zero options to DO anything about them.

 

Never move in with someone who makes you say, "Ouch." You'll spend your waking life taking the temperature of the relationship all the time, and that's no way to live.

 

I'd date him for a while since you like him so much, but I would do so through observing eyes. People who love you aren't out to make you feel 'less than' and comparing you to some hot crushes he's had before is just plain bad form--and downright creepy--no matter how 'honest' he says he's being. That kind of 'honesty' is manipulative. I'd question why he told you that.

[Ariel85]

It sounds like you both feel the same about each other - emotionally connected, but not much passion.

 

This seemed to be fine when you were feeling this way towards him, but now that he's admitted he feels the same way, why the problem?

 

If you are both older, then I think this definitely will survive, because it sounds like your relationship is built on the right stuff. However, if you're both young, then he might be tempted to throw away something real with you, in pursuit of hot passion.

 

It's been my experience that my relationships that were burning hot didn't have much of anything else and fizzled out. And the ones where I was really loved, I didn't have overwhelming passion for the guy, but they lasted.

 

Relationships are like real estate - we don't get 100%. The question is if what is lacking is acceptable to you both, because everything else is so strong.

[bulletproof]

I think that first you have to get the idea that you are not attractive enough out of your head. Like you said about him, he wasn't your type specifically- doesn't mean he's not objectively attractive. Same goes for you.

 

I think you should still see each other but moving in seems hasty. But I don't fault him for being honest, especially when you are feeling the same way. Perhaps that's why it hit such a nerve.

[dark angel9]

He wasn't being manipulative. I am sure of that. He was just stating the truth.

 

As for moving in...I don't see why not. Either I am all in or I am not. Why should I be half in? I very much doubt that he will suddenly feel animal passion for me. Staying in the relationship but postponing moving in is just...prolonging something.

 

It's not that he hit a nerve. I think any woman would feel like this is her SO/bf told her that.

 

As for me not finding him that hot either, yes this is true. However, I know myself and I know that I would never cheat on him or turn my back on what we have together. Also, women are more likely to fall for man's personality. Men are very much lust-based so I wonder if this will work or if he will always long for something more.

[Ms Darcy]

He wasn't being manipulative. I am sure of that. He was just stating the truth.

 

I don't think he was being manipulative either. What were these fights about?

 

As for moving in...I don't see why not. Either I am all in or I am not. Why should I be half in? I very much doubt that he will suddenly feel animal passion for me. Staying in the relationship but postponing moving in is just...prolonging something.

 

Ah, yes, the 'all in' argument. I have always been of the belief that as hard as it is, waiting for things, building up can build up attraction (which is the short hand for passion in my book). Waiting for sex; adding some mystery. Mystery DIES a horrible death when you live together. Just take a look at the threads around here where the woman complains that he's not as romantic anymore. I think men need that period, both people do, to be independent and appreciate each other more and more.

 

It's not that he hit a nerve. I think any woman would feel like this is her SO/bf told her that.

 

I don't know about any woman, but I know it wouldn't make me happy yes. I also say, I don't need to know everything that's going on with him. As long as he's committed and faithful.

 

As for me not finding him that hot either, yes this is true. However, I know myself and I know that I would never cheat on him or turn my back on what we have together. Also, women are more likely to fall for man's personality. Men are very much lust-based so I wonder if this will work or if he will always long for something more.

 

Men are lust-based ... hmm, I would go back to attraction. I think as long as attraction is there for both then you are cool.

[banal]

Unless these fights were in direct relation to the level of attraction you two share, that's just a bizarre, even insulting, comment for him to have made. I'm dating someone now that I don't find nearly as 'hot' or attractive as my ex. It's not like I'm not attracted to her - I am, and would wish that she'd be, er, a bit more 'fast' - but she's not gorgeous like my ex was. Still, I'd NEVER tell this woman that. I cannot imagine a single scenario where I'd tell her: "You know, I'm attracted to you, but it's not an out of this world attraction." That's just mean and rude.

[dark angel9]

He wasn't being mean or rude. We had a fight about something unrelated. I was pissed off but wouldn't tell him what was wrong. So he started guessing and one of the things he said was "OK, I know our relationship is not based on earth shattering passion"....from there on, I kept asking him questions about it and he answered them honestly. Please forget the idea that he is mean and manipulative. He is the kindest men I have ever met. He just has tendency to put his foot in his mouth.

 

As for moving in together, we can always spend day after day together and have fun. Sex also gets better the more we spend time together. It's getting harder and harder for us to say good bye when I have to go home so he suggested living together.

 

I just wonder how many people that post on here have a partner that feels like that it was just never voiced.

[dark angel9]

Unless these fights were in direct relation to the level of attraction you two share, that's just a bizarre, even insulting, comment for him to have made. I'm dating someone now that I don't find nearly as 'hot' or attractive as my ex. It's not like I'm not attracted to her - I am, and would wish that she'd be, er, a bit more 'fast' - but she's not gorgeous like my ex was. Still, I'd NEVER tell this woman that. I cannot imagine a single scenario where I'd tell her: "You know, I'm attracted to you, but it's not an out of this world attraction." That's just mean and rude.

 

Can you get serious with this woman? Can you truly love her?

[Fudgie]

I think it wasn't right to tell you because it would hurt in any case. however, it sounds like he was being honest (not manipulative) and that's how he feels.

I think everyone thinks about it to some extent. Not everyone ends up with someone that they feel is 100% gorgeous. It's natural. It's life. I've thought that way about boyfriends before but it didn't stop me from committing. It wasn't an issue for me.

 

The question is, can you go on with him with knowing this?

[dark angel9]

I think that idealistic part of me feels that I should break up with him and find someone who is crazy about me in that way. However, I have been out with 100s of men (seriously) and current bf is the closest match to my ideal. I would perhaps feel differently if I felt our sex life was almost non-existent or something. But he gets hard if I so much as put my legs on his lap... And we do it 3 times per night some nights... Even after the passion discussion.

 

I am not quite clear with what he means even (I don't want to probe any further). I even wonder how he would act with a "high passion" girl. Do it 10 times per night? Get hard by looking at her? I dunno.

 

I always felt like you need to be attracted to someone enough to want to have sex with them. Anything beyond that is not a requirement for a LTR (from physical standpoint).

[banal]

Can you get serious with this woman? Can you truly love her?

 

Of course I can - I'm trying to get serious with her. I'm not a teenager and I don't expect my girlfriends to be drop-dead gorgeous...I'd be single forever, if I had criteria like that.

[dark angel9]

Of course I can - I'm trying to get serious with her. I'm not a teenager and I don't expect my girlfriends to be drop-dead gorgeous...I'd be single forever, if I had criteria like that.

 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[banal]

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

29, and she's 30. BTW, if you're having sex 3 times per night, multiple times per week, there's not much else you can be doing, unless you're both unemployed. This is what I mean when I say that he had no reason to "be honest" with you. There's just no reason for it; that comment is hurtful, even if it's "honest." I'm not saying he's an ass or he's manipulating you. I'm saying it didn't need to be said. In every relationship, it's unavoidable that we're called upon to make some sacrifices toward achieving our ideal. In some way, all of my ex girlfriends have failed to live up to my hopes and my expectations in - that's normal and natural. But what good comes of articulating these shortcomings...like, with my last ex, I'd never tell her, "You're smart, but not as smart as I'd like," or "I wish you weren't so socially awkward around my friends, and that you could initiate conversation more on your own" or "I wish you had more money, because my ideal woman, she's got more money than you do." I've realized that I date human beings (and the occasional chimpanzee...) and not angels, so I have to accept these things.

[dark angel9]

I am really struggling. I am finding it hard to forget his words. I know he spoke the truth and even if it sounds insensitive - I know he was not being insensitive delibaretly (trust me on this). Still, the truth remains: he is not that attracted to me

 

He is being so attentive and nice (he always is). For example, he tells me that he loves me multiple times a day. We spoke on the phone yesterday and he wrote afterwards "just the sound of your voice makes me smile When we are together, he will sit down on a bench and if it's hard and cold, he won't let me sit on it but will pull me on his lap so that I am comfortable. He does million of little things like that.

 

We are going on a romantic weekend away and later to another state to meet his family. He just suprised me by booking the most expensive 5 star hotel with amazing views (and he doesn't even have that much money) - didn't let me pay a cent (for the flights either).

 

He is always so super affectionate with me that all our mutual friends think that he completely adores me.

 

I dunno guys if this can work given how he feels about me physically.

[magnoliatree]

But the truth is: You are not that attracted to him. You feel just as tepid about him physically as he does you. It sounds like this is an ego thing, because you were ok being with him when YOU were the one who was less attracted (and presumably he was totally into you physically) but now that the playing field is equal you are upset. Deal with it or not, but it sounds like you are using this to get out of a relationship that YOU weren't all that excited about. Which is fine but it's better to just be honest about it with yourself.

[GrowingIn]

For some people it's important to have that passionate connection. Even though that doesn't last, if you had it in the beginning, you can kind of always revert there in the back of your head later on down the road, even if you both let yourselves go and get a little comfortable.

 

It depends on the couple and age. But sometimes it's that type of thing that can really hold a relationship together when it gets rocky. If you are still young, I say it's quite important. You have to consider there's 20-30 years to go together, and if things ever start going bad, you will really hate it if either one of you run into someone else that will cause that spark in you. It's that "IT" that causes others to cheat. It doesn't always need to be there, but sometimes I think it's important for it to have been there at least at one point in the relationship.

 

Again, it just all depends on your maturity levels. You sure it doesn't bother you, more than him? It sounds like maybe he's being honest and telling you that which you are feeling as well. Everything else about the relationship sounds great though.