My story, 3 months later.

[MovingAlone]

Me and my ex were in a relationship for 5 years that ended in May. She broke up with me, over the phone, then sent me a message on facebook telling me that she wasn't going to change her mind, that she was doing what was best for her. This was all back in May, a little background of our relationship. Of course the first few years were amazing, never argued or anything, but something happened to me and her the last couple of years, she started to gain weight, I started to not be as interested into her at times and would just down right be mean to her and call her names. Yes, I became verbally abusive, for some reason I just couldn't be nice, this was not all because of her gaining weight, I think it was me just feeling like I was trapped in the same routine forever. I would feel really bad for hurting her feelings, so at the beginning of this year we made a pact, to really work on the things that bothered both of us. We joined a gym, we actually got out the house and did things like we used to, and it felt like the love was being restored...at least I thought. Around April, she started to ditch me, like everyday. She said she wanted to spend more time with her best friend so I agreed to let her do her own thing, but after 3 weeks of only seeing me once a week I started to get angry and asked her if she wanted to be with me anymore or if she had found someone else. Of course this was met with alot of arguing and told me that I had to trust her, which I did, I just didn't want to be the once a week boyfriend. We had all these plans to move in with each other this summer, and one night in May, we went to the movies, and after the movie she was acting cold. I was getting sad and she said she had to go home, I tried calling her later that night, she didn't answer. Around 2 am that morning she called me to break up with me, she told me that she wanted to see her guy friends, wanted someone that was around her family all the time, and just was tired of being with me, that she still loved me and this was very hard but she said she couldn't do it anymore.

 

Yeah that completely messed me up, I was torn, I tried to reach out to her the next month, calling, texting, I sent her a facebook message which was met with a no response, instead of responding she just blocked me all together. It has been some time since then, I started going to counseling, but have been very heart broken. I understand I was wrong, it just hurt me that she could cut me off like that, like it was nothing to her, and I still think about her everyday. I broke down last week and ended my NC and tried calling, only to get her voicemail. I just wish we could have talked it out, do you think she will ever talk to me again? Should I even care? I know I shouldn't but even my parents think that it is weird she just cut me off, she isn't that type of person at all so this seemed to come out of nowhere.

[Ms Darcy]

Unfortunately, you can't "talk out" no longer in love. I think the verbal abuse never went away, and as she improved herself she gained more confidence to leave. I hope you continue therapy. How old are you?

[Thorshammer]

During breakups dumpees tend to blame themselves, so re-evaluate the "verbal abuse". Me and you have similar stories, and I wasnt verbally abusive yet the outcome was the same (people surprised she left, her loving me but leaving, her wanting to be with new friends, spending less time with me, talked about moving in, at times she got cold, etc.). So dont blame yourself, because me and you have similar outcomes and i wasnt abusive at all.

 

Ask yourself this, were you being needy, insecure, jealous and controling recently? Anything of these are signs of desperate insecurity, and that turns many women off. You already shows signs of neediness when she was going out, so this seems like an indicator of it. Women lose attraction from these flaws easier than you think, and many dont even realize it. Behavior and how you make them feel is very important. Even staying home and not going out and not having a social life, and her being aware of it, turn certain women off. Contacting them from a break-up will further push the image of you being desperate and needy, and if you werent needy in the relationship, then you are now by contacting her despite her leaving you.

 

Dont contact her and move on. You cant pull something that is pushing you. If there is any slim chance she will return, she will not get it from you being desperate and needy, that will just ruin it and make you look sad and desperate, dont mistake guilt for affection. You just have to tell yourself if she doesnt reach out to you again then you are the only one seeing "it". Dont wait on her either, that just prolongs the pain.

 

And I know this sounds cliche but, learn what went wrong, and be a better person from it.

[David Mac]

summed up perfectly by thorshammer. The hardest part is getting over that constant thinking about what if? what if i never sent the text which caused her to become distant? due to her sending me a blunt text etc etc.

You can't take all the blame no matter how guilty you may feel it's her decision as much as it is yours.

 

Know exactly how u feeling though, i'm just in the healing process after making a fool of myself in trying to get that one last chance to talk.

 

But I'll learn from it, hope you do to moving alone.

[Ms Darcy]

During breakups dumpees tend to blame themselves, so re-evaluate the "verbal abuse". Me and you have similar stories, and I wasnt verbally abusive yet the outcome was the same (people surprised she left, her loving me but leaving, her wanting to be with new friends, spending less time with me, talked about moving in, at times she got cold, etc.). So dont blame yourself, because me and you have similar outcomes and i wasnt abusive at all.

 

I don't agree with "I wasn't abusive and since we're similar, you probably weren't." I think that self-blame isn't helpful, but taking responsibility is. Only the two of them really know ... but from what he says she seemed to feel the way he treated her was unbearable and hurtful during a period of time.

[MovingAlone]

Unfortunately, you can't "talk out" no longer in love. I think the verbal abuse never went away, and as she improved herself she gained more confidence to leave. I hope you continue therapy. How old are you?

 

I am 26, and yes I was verbally abusive, I think back at those times and wish I never said the things I did or made her feel the way she felt. It just seemed so fast for her to just delete everything in one day, I thought you fight for what you love, and she even told me she still loved me but couldn't do it anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

It just seemed so fast for her to just delete everything in one day, I thought you fight for what you love, and she even told me she still loved me but couldn't do it anymore.

 

The one thing I can tell you is that it wasn't just one day. It took her a long time to get to that point. Also - be careful of the "I thought you" do x if you really love someone. She could have said the same. I thought you do not verbally abuse someone if you love them. Ultimately, you have to love yourself first. For her, loving herself meant leaving. For you, loving yourself will be letting go.

[catfeeder]

Should I even care? I know I shouldn't but even my parents think that it is weird she just cut me off, she isn't that type of person at all so this seemed to come out of nowhere.

 

No, this is typical after someone's been mistreated. Sure, they might appear to put up with it while their confidence is still low--but a mistreated person resents that weakness in themselves and so they resent the source of the mistreatment even more.

 

This can prompt someone to invest in self improvement to build up the courage to walk. She did exactly that.

 

I'd chalk this up to a really valuable experience for you. It's unlikely that you'll take someone for granted enough to say hurtful things again. You've learned that, sure a mistreated lover may not walk out the door that day, but once you've opened your mouth and set harm into motion, you can be sure that there will be consequences.

 

Head high for becoming a better man from this. If she ever opts to speak with you again, she knows how to find you. Such a convo would need to come from her. Pursuing her is a waste of time, she's already learned your capacity to hurt her, and that's not something you can ever talk her out of knowing.

[ngu11]

They mostly do always seem to come out of nowhere but i'm sure hindsight tells you that it was on the cards for a long while!

 

Will she ever talk to you again? I'm sure she will when she's ready (again out of nowhere). The question is...will you be ready to talk to her wen/if that time comes?

[MovingAlone]

I just don't know how to forgive myself. Even after all the counseling, I still feel guilty, and just see the pain in her eyes. She will never know that I am a changed man, and it sucks because she was really the only person I felt love for. They always say you will find love again, but it just seems so hopeless at this stage of the game. I'm sorry people, I just have to vent, I feel like crying tonight, I hope one day I get past this.