Living situation

[bubbledot]

I really need advice. Please do not judge or jump to hasty conclusions. Here's my situation in a nutshell:

 

I'm 24 (almost 25) and I have lived with my parents for my entire life. No, I'm not a loser. I work full time. My parents' dream is to own a house. We live in a small apartment right now, and we all feel cramped. There is tension because they want to buy a house, and they want me to live with them. We are very close and it's not that I don't want to, but I'm concerned that for the rest of my life, I will never get my own space! I'm 25 so naturally within the next couple years, what if I get married? My future husband and I can't share my parents' kitchen!

 

Here are my options:

1) I could buy my own condo right now. My parents don't want me to do this because then I can't help them financially with buying THEIR house. I'm also not sure if I'm ready for this yet.

 

2) I could move with them to a new house that has a more private area for me. Everybody's happy until I get married. They would have to sell the house, or I would have to move out and buy my own house. Also, most three bedroom homes don't really have separate private areas....but maybe I just haven't seen one yet.

 

3) My parents and I could both buy a "two decker" which is a multifamily house. But this is more expensive and I'm not sure if I can deal with the responsibility.

 

Also, I'd rather not be trapped in a mortgage. What if I decide to go to graduate school?

 

I feel really stressed out over this. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of making a bad decision and then being stuck with it later.

[lavenderdove]

So they want you to stay a permanent child, but a child who gives them money... So they are confusing the roles of parent and child, wanting you to stay childlike by living with them forever, but also wanting you to be parent like by giving them money to support them.

 

Of course everyone would love to own their own home, but you also have to be realistic and buy a home that can be afforded on whatever income and assets you own. So it is an unreasonable expectation that you will have to live with them forever just so they get the house they want.

 

They need to look for a home that they can afford, whether that is a one BR condo or a small house somewhere, or no house at all if they can't afford to buy one.

 

The worst thing you could do is agree to a situation where if you buy something and move in, you can't move out without them losing the house. Or even worse, they both stop working and expect you to make the full mortgage payment for the rest of their lives (or wreck your credit by going to foreclosure), or they refuse to sell the house when you want to and you are stuck with either continuing to pay the mortgage or go to court to force them to sell, or stop paying your part and it goes to foreclosure and wrecks your credit.

 

You are better off just talking to them now realistically about finances, and saying they need to look for a home they can afford on their own. An older couple with grown chlidren doesn't 'need' a 3 BR house and would do fine in a one BR condo if that is all they can afford. Nobody 'needs' a big house, it is a desire, not a necessity.

 

Meanwhile you probably need to move out so they understand that you're an adult and are not going to live with them forever nor increase their standard of living by giving your income to them for the rest of their lives. If I were you, I wouldn't buy a condo, i'd rent until you meet someone and plan to marry, then buy a house, or until you know you are somewhere you intend to stay for a long time.

 

Perhaps you could help by giving them cash for a down payment, then you move out into an apt. and start saving money again for your own down payment in future. But i wouldn't buy a house with them because that means you are on the mortgage and will be tied to them financially forever, which you don't want to be if you want to have your own husband and family. If you sign a note with them, you are obligated for the full value of the note, and wouldn't qualify for another house with your new husband.

 

btw, it's a myth that you MUST own a home. In many circumstances, it is better/cheaper to rent, and houses have frequently become a financial albatross around people's necks that they can't get rid of when their circumstances change or they need to move for whatever reason. Owning a home is not necessary, and in many cases, just isn't feasible, so if this is your parent's goal, then they need to work out a way to do it that makes financial sense plus also doesn't bind you to them for the rest of your life just because they want a house for themselves. They're obviously thinking about their own needs/desires, but not yours!

[lemsip]

Sounds like you're in a pickle.

 

I don't want to disrespect your parents, so don't take offense, but you need to live your own life. It is very unreasonable of them to expect you to live with them forever - nevermind pay for part of their new house. You are clearly uncomfortable with the idea as well, so you need to address it. I'm afraid it's not one of those issues that you can sweep under the carpet. You need to sit them down and explain that you love them, you love spending time with them, but you need to spread your wings.

 

You shouldn't feel trapped at 25...

[hausser]

I didn't move out till I was 27 and wish I had when I was 18. Seriously, I've grown up more in some areas in the last year I've been out than years of living at home.

 

One thing I will say is your lucky your still on amiable terms, towards the end me and my dad were not on good terms at all.

 

Why cant you rent?

[hausser]

btw, it's a myth that you MUST own a home. In many circumstances, it is better/cheaper to rent, and houses have frequently become a financial albatross around people's necks that they can't get rid of when their circumstances change or they need to move for whatever reason. Owning a home is not necessary, and in many cases, just isn't feasible, so if this is your parent's goal, then they need to work out a way to do it that makes financial sense plus also doesn't bind you to them for the rest of your life just because they want a house for themselves. They're obviously thinking about their own needs/desires, but not yours!

 

Spot on. I hope your parents are not brainwashing you with the notion that renting is "dead money".

[bubbledot]

You are better off just talking to them now realistically about finances, and saying they need to look for a home they can afford on their own. An older couple with grown chlidren doesn't 'need' a 3 BR house and would do fine in a one BR condo if that is all they can afford. Nobody 'needs' a big house, it is a desire, not a necessity.

 

We did talk about this, and this is what I *thought* we had agreed, initially: my parents agreed that they would buy a house that they could afford, and I would not be included on the mortgage/credit. I would mainly help them with the down-payment.

 

When the IDEA of them buying a one bedroom condo is mentioned, my mother starts crying and saying that I don't love them. They don't want me to move out. They don't understand why I would want to, since I am currently single. Also, my parents cannot, I repeat cannot, live in a place where they share a wall with a neighbor. Any noise at all from the neighbor basically causes war between them. I love them and I understand that they have this quirk, and I want to respect their need to live in a single family home.

 

I don't want to rent right now. I've rented with my parents for most of my life, and I know that it sucks. It's difficult to save money, you can't make any modifications to the home, and you can't have pets most of the time. I like the idea of buying my own house. But, I'm just not sure when.

 

If I move in with them into, let's say, a 2BR house that they can afford, then I'm still not happy because I don't have my own space. If we buy a larger house where I have space, then if I need to move out, they will probably have to sell it since they won't be able to take it over financially.

 

I guess the worst part is that for my entire life we've been extremely close and we could talk openly and honestly about everything. But this new issue, seems to be undermining our relationship. This makes me very sad. No matter how I try to explain how I feel, they immediately retort with: "You hate us, you don't care about us, why do you want to live alone"?

[lavenderdove]

Look, don't let them emotionally blackmail you...

 

What your parents cannot live without is oxygen, food, and water. Too bad if they don't like having neighbors... they need to deal with that just like everyone else... they survived before you were old enough to earn money and give it to them, and they can do it again. The rest is all nonsense and emotional blackmail.

 

You can't begin to imagine how unhappy you'll be if you meet someone and want to marry and are stuck with a mortgage at your parents house and can't buy a home of your own. In fact, that might discourage a lot of suitors if you are tied financially to your mommy and daddy's apron strings, because your husband will want a normal life and not being stuck with your parent's mortgage payment as part of his family responsibility.

 

They are emotionally blackmailing you to get their own way. A normal parent would WANT their child to grow up and be independent and happy and not try to tie them to their apron strings. In fact, the way it normally works is that the parents loan the children money for their first house down payment, to help them get started on their own, rather than the way your parents want it, for you to pay for them and stay with them forever. That frankly isn't normal.

 

Some cultures outside the Western world do live in extended families, but in your case, your parents expect you to stay forever, which means your husband would have to agree to move in with them as well. If you're in a western country, you have next to no chance of meeting someone who is willing to do that.

 

If you can't get past this on your own, talk to a counselor who will educate you about healthy boundaries between grown children and parents, and how you shouldn't let anyone emotionally blackmail you, including your parents. Of course they know that you don't 'hate' them or not care about them, that is just a ploy to control you and your behavior, making you feel guilty.

 

The real issue here is that you need to grow up and separate from your parents and not let them control your behavior since you're an adult. Unless they are extremely elderly and unable to care for themselves, you shouldn't be staying at home just to please them while giving up your own life. They will be gone one day, and you want a family of your own, so don't waste your youth catering to your parent's unrealistic expectations.

[Rezist]

Kinda crazy how some parents throw the kids out at 18 and some want to hang on.

[lavenderdove]

... and these particular parents want to hang onto her AND her wallet!

[Weeb]

If your parents cannot afford a house without guilting their daughter into sharing the mortgage, they cannot afford a house. Get out and live your own life.

[Ariel85]

I think you're dealing with all hypotheticals.

 

If your parents have never owned a home, then in this economy where banks are very reluctant to give out mortgages, I wouldn't think they're poised to be homeowners any time soon, if at all. I think they're using that as an excuse to keep you around.

 

The other hypothetical is you getting married. Are you seriously dating someone in which this is a possibility for the near future?

 

And I agree that it's shameful that your parents expect you to pay their mortgage. They seem to have done a great job at keeping you infantilized.

 

Do you still live at home in order to support them? Or it is because you genuinely want to be there?

[bubbledot]

No, I don't support them. They both work. What if you were in their situation? Some of you are just heartless and bitter.

 

They have in fact owned a home (more than one) before. But then we had to relocate.

 

I'm not about to get married and I'm not dating anyone. But I don't want to move out and rent. My parents are going to pay rent, and then I'm going to pay rent, too? That doesn't make much sense to me. I don't like the idea of living alone and staring at four walls.

[Maz8]

So they want you to stay a permanent child, but a child who gives them money... So they are confusing the roles of parent and child, wanting you to stay childlike by living with them forever, but also wanting you to be parent like by giving them money to support them

 

My dad is also like this. One moment, I'm a child who need to be constantly supervised and called 5 or 6 times a day, then of course, when he needs money I'm suddenly an adult and I need to be responsible for giving him anything that he needs.

 

I think in some cases it is better to move out and support them from a distance, if you really feel the obligation to do so.

[Jetta]

I don't know your culture or what the expectations are for you, but at 25 years old it's time to "spread your wings and fly". You're working, you have enough to buy a 1 bedroom condo, really you could rent a space, get a roommate, and enjoy your freedom so you're not "tied down to a mortgage". But you need to give your parents notice and move out. Sit down with them, putting in a note, whatever is most comfortable but it's time to move on your own. If your parents are struggling and you do have the means to help well then you can by choice help them, otherwise it's time they stood on their own as well. They're getting too comfortable with you around paying the bills and making plans with YOUR MONEY. That is just so wrong. You need to take a stand and moving out is that stand to take.