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My dead butterfiles woke up again...


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I was doing fine for months after break-up, (January) I decided to go NC, after being in contact for a while, so I was on NC for 3 months, doing o.k, when after having a pleasant dream about him, stupid me, I needed to break NC and write him an email, asking him how he was doing...

He answered of course, and now no matter how hard I try to rationalize things around here and convince myself that I am about to do a stupid mistake again, I am just so happy... butterflies in my stomach, my heart beats so fast...

Why the hell I am feeling like this? Last time he made it clear he still has feelings for me and doesn t want to mess it up again, so he refused to meet me, but now I am even fancy a date with him... How can I be so stupid? Why can t I forget him? Why can t I get rid of him? When I know he is not right for me???

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An ex is an ex for a reason. What was the reason? What were all the reasons?


I keep myself from walking into a propeller blade by remembering WHY things didn't work. Then I move my focus onto the kind of relationship I want and deserve. Then I become patient enough for 'someday' and move my focus onto the things and people who are important to me today--and who are GOOD for me.

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Help! I don't understand. He told you he has feelings for you and so doesn't want to meet you, but you did meet?? Or he said at your last meeting that he doesn't want to meet. How long were you together? Why did you break up? Who did the breaking up? Was it for the same reason(s) that you feel he's not right for you? What did he say in the email. I think we need some clarifications and details if you'd like actual insightful advice.

In general, though, I give you this: "Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas."

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We broke up in January, because I was feeling uncomfortable in that relationship, he was separated from his wife, kept saying he didn't know what he wanted etc. so I assumed he didn't want me, since he never said he did... and that he even feels something for me, we have been dating for 6 months, so I had enough and I decided to give him time/space to realize what he wants... so, we have never seen each other since, just kept contact for a while, than Nc than again he contacted me so I thought he wants something so I asked him out for a drink, just to catch up a bit, but he refused it, saying he still got feelings and doesn't want to mess it up again... I never knew he has some feelings for me, until we broke up, when he said he had, still has...

So after this I went NC for 3 months and decided to forget about him, but its obvious I couldn't, I am not well, still miss him... In this last email he seemed formal, glad to hear of me and wants to know more about how I am doing... I don't know... It feels strange/stupid that I cant get rid of this feeling, of him... since obviously there is no future for us...

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I wouldn't say it's obvious that you have no future. Let me see if I understand, though: He's recently (

If you are still hung up on him, my advice is to be patient and don't push. Even if he's the one who ended his marriage (if he is ending it..) he's going to be unavailable emotionally for a while. That doesn't mean forever, though, and, once he's feeling a bit better he may be very interested in pursuing something with you. My advice is to back off. Don't do anything dramatic. If you hear he's dating someone else, be glad it's not you. That person is a rebound. If he goes back to his wife, then be glad you didn't get too far into it. If he doesn't, just be ready for him when he's ready for you. And be patient. That might take many many months.

And finally - and this is implicit in what I've written above, but I'll make it explicit here - don't feel bad about being in love with someone. It hurts, but lots of good things in life sometimes do.

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No, his wife is bipolar, I don t think he will ever divorce her because of the kids, they will just stay separated...


Shut the door on this. You closed it for good reason, and sentimentality isn't going to change what is unworkable.


Allow your dreams to act as background processing for your unfinished business, and don't interpret them as a sign to operate against your own best interests just because they'll sometimes stir things up. We all can relate to how hard grief is to navigate, but you're not 'healing' yours, you're prolonging it.


Move your focus onto your vision of the life you want to share with someone who's healthy and available. Don't budge from that vision, and you'll thank yourself later.

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Oh.. I was working on my post and didn't see yours. Hmmm... My last sentence still applies, but I'm not so sure about the rest anymore. That's tricky, for sure. How old are the kids? Do you know the wife is bipolar or do you only have his say so? Is/has there been other women?

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Thanks for you both! I am angry with myself that I ended up in this messy situation in the first place... a separated man, a very sick wife, two kids... what the hell I am doing here??? Why I am feeling anything for him??? Why can I focus on somebody more available??? Why that "little" he gave me, means so much??? What the hell is wrong with me??? The kids are small 6-8 years, he will not leave his wife, because she is sick and because of the kids, he is just hoping that she will leave, but again with her condition that will never happen either... She is unable to work etc... He thinks he is doing the right thing just being separated form her, and still doing anything for the kids keeping the family together... That was in Jan. I don t know details about their lives ever since, I just know he is still married...

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I know this doesn't help, but if he isn't a depraved monster, lying to you about his wife, he sounds like a good guy - or at least as good as someone who's done what he did can be.

I don't know if I can give you untainted advice, as I am, essentially, on the other side of your situation - almost exactly. I will tell you that I loved the other woman I was with, as he may have loved you, but, as any decent parent will tell you, children must come first. If this is the case, be happy you fell for a good guy who sought in (and, maybe loved) you comfort and strength (and here I am TOTALLY projecting, but, given that was my take, it IS possible...). And you never know about the future, but don't beat yourself up over the past. Falling in love is hard to control. It's hard, in general, to control your feelings. In any case, don't be ashamed to have fallen in love. I wish I could tell you what to do next, but I will say that I think honesty is a good policy. Hang in there...

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Thanks Doofus, I know he is a good guy, but maybe it was my mistake to get into this... o.k I found out about the gravity of the situation later, when obviously it was too late not to care about him... I just felt sort of "used", so I had to get out of there, so I thought I will be fine, but I am not, obviously...

But anyway thanks for your support!

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