I act like a major <> to push people away. Help

[Fountains]

Anytime I unfortunately feel as if I can trust someone... I always feel.. terrible.

I have a habit of being extremely cold and unfriendly towards anyone specifically male orientated, that I've told personal information or any form of opening up. I am a private person, I needed to be growing up. It was hard. Constantly being hurt, abandoned and betrayed by family and friends.. Letting people in isn't hard. And sometimes I reach a point where I just need someone to talk to after suppressing so much inside. I'm such a coward. I know I am. I run away from feelings. I run away from my own.

 

Now I've currently told a friend of mine some very personal things - I was molested as a child, witnessed things a child should never see. Because I was just reaching a low point. It's been months and I canf handle that he knows this about me. I felt/feel vulnerable and feel as if he will hurt me with the information. So what better way to sabotage things than to be a major ? That's what I did tonight. I said very mean things told him all kinds of things. I dont feel entirely proud. But anything to protect myself. Any way to regain that sense of power and control. But its hurting me.. I consistently do this. All the time. Please help me..

 

I know I won't apologize to him either. I'm not good with admitting feelings and being wrong.

[In the Dark]

Honestly from my experience you are not the only one who is like this.

 

I have been given the cold shoulder many time by females I intend to only be in a friendship with.

If you want to salvage this friendship then you will have to apologize and admit you are wrong.

 

This is something you need to do for yourself too, so you can become someone better as a person.

[Fountains]

Honestly from my experience you are not the only one who is like this.

 

I have been given the cold shoulder many time by females I intend to only be in a friendship with.

If you want to salvage this friendship then you will have to apologize and admit you are wrong.

 

This is something you need to do for yourself too, so you can become someone better as a person.

I mean how can I stop doing this? It's virtually impossible for me trust and maintain trust in someone without having some breakdown... of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is worse than dying to me.

[In the Dark]

You had already shown vulnerability in the things you mentioned to your friend.

Apologizing and admitting you were wrong is nothing in comparison to what you have said about your past to him.

 

There are some friends yo can trust and others you can not.

This is the way it always goes within friendships.

 

Sometimes we do make mistakes and trust in the wrong people.

We just have to remember, it was just bad judgement in the character of the person we had trusted in and only relates to that person.

 

Not the next until proven.

[dancingfeet]

Fountains i felt i had to respond to this as I used to do exactly the same thing. It came to a point where it was defining my whole life and no matter how good the friend or lover, i couldn't stop myself from pushing/sabotaging the relationship because in my head i was self-fulfilling all those things from my past that proved that what had happened was somehow deserved. Let me tell you it isn't. Whatever has happened in your past, you've been carrying that and its time to give that back to the person/people who forced that on you, you've got to reach a place where you are ready to say that and give it back. That is for yourself and it will get better.

 

As for telling people, I think it is important that that was a part of your life, inevitably it is how they react which is a reflection of them, not you. The people i've told, some have run for the hills, others have stuck around, the people who stick around know fundamentally that you are more than just what has happened in your past, they don't judge or think differently, the only difference is that they try to understand it and good friends never use it against you.

 

I have found over the years that it isn't just about trusting others, its learning to trust yourself again and you will because you are a stronger person, even if you don't feel it at times, believe me you are!! Once you figure that out and start beleiving in that, people will be drawn to that in a good way, you will start to emotionally detach your past experience from new friends or relationships and will be able to talk about it in a safe place in your head.

 

I hope what i've said has helped, believe me it has taken a long time for me to get to that place and i've had alot of heartache along the way, but now i've learned to deal with myself, i trust myself and i've learned to trust in life again : ))