My bf and his female friend

[Saraupu]

My boyfriend has this female friend he has known since high school. I think they kept in contact every once in a while through email, but not often, until a few years ago when my boyfriend and I started dating. Last spring my boyfriend first mentioned her, he said she started texting him and he wasn't sure how she got his phone number. I know how she got his number, he has on his Facebook profile. I'm pretty sure they email each other through Facebook, or at least she emails him a lot, and I know she texts him pretty regularly and calls him every Saturday it seems at the the same time. He doesn't call her back because he's the type that doesn't like to talk on the phone since he does it for work all the time and he says he only calls her if she needs computer or phone help (my boyfriend is a tech type of guy). He doesn't talk much about her and I've never met her. A few weekends ago we went out of town for the weekend and coincidentally (or maybe not...hmmm..we'll see if it happens again) she was there also with a friend of hers. She was trashed and invited him out, not sure if I was included in that or not. He declined due to the fact we were tired from being at the waterpark all day and not feeling energetic. Maybe for other reasons too (meaning I'd have to tag along...??? not sure). I don't know if he's purposely trying to keep us from meeting. She doesn't hang out in my boyfriend's usual social circle. She's unhappily married, has 6 kids and my boyfriend thinks she's bipolar. I think her husband may be just as crazy as she is. What I'm struggling with is that I think she is being really aggressive in my her contact with my boyfriend and not really respecting our relationship. I think my boyfriend is too nice to tell her to back off. The other thing I struggle with is how often they text, email through Facebook...usually I try my best to not think about it and leave the room, do something else, etc but it is difficult. I'm also often wondering what they may be talking about....are they sexting, is he talking about me, etc...? I really think she might be in love with my boyfriend and I think he is oblivious to it. I'm just looking to hear what people have to say. I know they have this history and I'm not going to tell him to stop being friends with her. I'm not sure if I'm jealous....??? It's the whole not knowing thing that gets to me but I try to be me and the wonderful gf he fell in love with in the first place. Thanks!

[reboundstudent]

I can see why her behavior is very suspicious and too forward seeming, however, it seems like your boyfriend is handling it pretty respectfully. You said yourself he doesn't answer/call her back often, and he doesn't seem to be too thrilled about her (mentioning she's bipolar, not talking about her very much.) His behavior seems pretty reasonable for a guy that maybe isn't thrilled with the friendship but is also not threatened enough to tell her to get lost. Like I said, her behavior is certainly suspicious, but it isn't enough to really accuse her of anything; your boyfriend confronting her or blocking her would probably be seen as a "drama move" and just end up causing discomfort.

 

So for right now, just ignore her and continue enjoying your boyfriend, as he seems to be acting perfectly fine. If she steps up the harassment, then you can ask him to have a conversation with her, but for right now you would probably just come accross as insecure.

[anegret]

Hi Saraupu,

 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry, and here are the reasons why.

 

1) I'm a woman who works in technology, and one thing we techies do is keep up with friends of the opposite sex in email and Facebook for the simple reason that we don't actually want to hang out with them in person. (Not all friends, and usually--in my case at least--they're people I'm not even real friends with.) It's just an easy way to keep in touch, to maintain distance.

 

2) If you're able to see his emails and Facebook messages to her...there's nothing for you to be jealous of, even if she *is* into him. (And she just might be, but that's not anything that should occupy space in your mind--hell, the woman who sells him coffee at Starbucks might have a crush on him, too, but really...his female friend should have about the same impact as a Starbucks barrista, for you.)

 

3) Okay, and now the nitty gritty. A) Guys think women who are "trashed" and all over them is gross. (Not of course women they love or are dating, but women they barely know who start to hit on them.) B) She has ..did you say six...kids? Six kids? C) He says she's bipolar; for a guy to say something like that about someone who might be a friend, that means that he's seriously not interested in her. (It might even be they correspond so much online because he *is* a little afraid of her bi-polar nature--could she go off at any minute/would she be depressed/does he feel sorry for her?

 

Truly, I don't think you have anything to be jealous of. If she doesn't hang out in his social circle, he's trying to maintain communication only electronically, and he didn't want to go out with her (whether you were or not)...this actually tells me quite the opposite--that he can barely stand to be around this person but he's nice because he feels sorry for her. (The fact you haven't met her combined with her not being in his social circle...means this woman is so far on the edge of his reality that he has no interest in actually including her.)

 

Best to you!

[catfeeder]

BF has handled himself and this friend all of his adult life, and you can either trust him to handle her now, or you can't.

 

I'd make this less about her, more about him. Either you're with someone who's trustworthy, or not. If so, you can let him know if you feel that his time devoted elsewhere has been interfering with his time and focus with you--then leave it at that. It's up to him to decide whether he'll address your concerns, or not. If not, that's the thing for you to make your own decisions about.

 

Outside contamination is never the point, there will always be external interference over the course of any relationship. It's how a partner chooses to respond to it that matters. We don't get to dictate those responses, so attempting to control a partner is never the answer. We do get to decide whether someone is right for us, though, based on how they handle themselves.