intotheself Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I think I have made the hard decision of leaving my sexless marraige but I am still agonizing. My husband and I have been sexless for about last 14 years, out of 16 years of marraige. We didn't seem to have good chemistry as a couple from the beginning, although we have been on good terms. He has erectile dysfunction along with his very low libido. We don't have children. The sexual issue had made me drift apart from him, so I went to study abroad for years and came back. We have been apart about 8 years by now, living in different cities. I have had good friendship with my husband. He is a very caring and nice person. I feel so terrible for leaving him. It is not a sensible option to leave a sexless marraige in my asian culture. It is very hard (not impossible) for women over forty to start a new relationship. Among over 90 colleagues at my work, I will be the only divorcee. There are many women living in sexless marriage in my society, and they woudln't consider divorce as a way out when they have children I have been losing courage to carry out my divorce till the end. We were given a month of reconsideration period from the court. I am scared of becoming alone and feel huge amount of guilt and pity toward my husband. The feeling is overwhelming. I know that I am the one who is responsible for my own decision, but I wish I could have some support. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 When exactly did you find he couldn't get it up? Usually it takes a few years before considering marriage and by then you should have known he has a low libido. I would like to be of support but I would also like to make sure things are clear so i can give am honest reply to your situation. Ultimately, sure it's not healthy to be in this relationship with this man if sex is of importance. But why marry someone which such a severe fault in the first place? Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Has he given the little blue pill a try? Link to comment
superfox Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I'm guessing it was an arranged marriage and she said the last 14 out of 16 years so she had had sex early in the marriage. When exactly did you find he couldn't get it up? Usually it takes a few years before considering marriage and by then you should have known he has a low libido. I would like to be of support but I would also like to make sure things are clear so i can give am honest reply to your situation. Ultimately, sure it's not healthy to be in this relationship with this man if sex is of importance. But why marry someone which such a severe fault in the first place? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 The act of sex does not have to be the be all and end all of a relationship. It is the intimacy which really counts and connects people together...and intimacy is not just about a penis in a vagina or a mouth on a penis. It is about cuddling, special touches, special glances, an emotional connection that goes beyond simple friendship. There is romance and romantic love..and all those things are possible between a couple even if there is no penis going into a woman's vagina or mouth. So have the two of you actually connected on an emotional level beyond the sex...do you cuddle, show each other how much you care, touch each other etc. My guess is that there has been no attempt to bond physically in other ways and emotionally and that is where the real problem lies. Lack of sex did not destroy the marriage, it was lack of a real emotional connection and a physical connection beyond the sex act. If the marriage is not working for you then it is time to get out of it...lots of people are scared to be alone but it is not so bad. You feel very much alone in your marriage and basically there is such a disconnect between the two of you regardless of the sex issue that the marriage has been dead for a long time. Don't worry about peer pressure because of your culture and what everyone else is doing. You have to live your life for you, not for appearances. Link to comment
zaza34 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I think sex is just one aspect of a relationship, a sexless marriage is still a marriage... I think while two people love each other, respect each other, make each other happy they still have a "valid marriage", only when all those things are gone I would consider divorce... So I think right now you are just having a problem, you can t have sex, so I would try to fix it, to find the origin of your/his problem without blaming each other and try to find a solution for it... while both or you want to find a solution there should be hope... If you feel you are just running from this problem, you might wake up with a similar one soon, maybe because of the quilt of leaving your husband will make you unable to have a real relationship and a real sex life with somebody else, so I would not leave this marriage until you are convinced you are doing the right thing, until you are ready... Things are never just black or white in a relationship and things might change between two people, relationships go through stages all the time, so I would focus on maintaining intimacy, other kind of intimacy than "intercourse", use your fantasy, ask medical help is that is what you/he need, but if you respect and love him, don t give up on him, fight for both of your happiness... My marriage was sexless for a few years, but now we are back on track again and we rediscovered ourselves as a couple, in spite of that we thought there is no hope, we almost got divorced... but I am glad we gave another chance to us... So, everything is possible, now I believe this! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Glad to hear a success story. Too many people focus on sex and not enough on actually building intimacy. Link to comment
michaelwiliams Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hello op..I am sorry to read of your relationship woes. Have you heard of the term 'cuckold' ? If not look it up online. Link to comment
AbombSnowMan Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 14 years of no sex and just now your deciding you want a divorce? Sorry but I think you made the wrong choice. Link to comment
IamNotHere Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 You should get a divorce. You obviously need someone who is passionate and acts like a man. This guy is not acting like a real man who will take you and have sex with you. You will never be happy without a real man. Get a divorce, or live in misery. Everyone makes mistakes. If he is making no effort to try to have sex with you, then he needs to grow a pair of balls. Link to comment
Escargot Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 You should have gotten divorced 12 years ago. No one gives you a blue ribbon at the end of life for being the Most Miserable in a Committed Relationship. A sexless marriage is okay so long as BOTH parties don't want sex. And do you want to go another year, two years, ten years with no sex, I bet! Do yourself a favor and get out, the sooner the better. Once you have, and you are enjoying attention from men (and sex) you will realize the extent that you had been suffering while being married to this man. Link to comment
intotheself Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 When exactly did you find he couldn't get it up? Usually it takes a few years before considering marriage and by then you should have known he has a low libido. I would like to be of support but I would also like to make sure things are clear so i can give am honest reply to your situation. Ultimately, sure it's not healthy to be in this relationship with this man if sex is of importance. But why marry someone which such a severe fault in the first place? I was a virgin when I got married. (It is still not rare for women to get married as a virgin in my culture.) I met my husband in the most difficult time of my life. Two boyfriends left me, and my dad was diagnosed of a cancer. He had only six months to live. I was introduced to my husband, who was very loving and supportive. We dated for five months in all. I married him after two months of my father's death. I was very depressed in the first year, so couldn't have sex for six months. I lost my virginity 'succesfully' later, and we were sexually active about a few months. Then is it gone all of a sudden. We had a very busy lifestyle so didn't consider about the lack of it very much. We never discussed the issue for years, even when I decided to go abroad for my study. Link to comment
intotheself Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 Many thanks for posts so far. It is not the matter of sex what torments me at this stage. We grew apart for too long, not addressing the issue for years. I have had two affairs while I was abroad, which led to painful breakups eventually. What I learned from them is that even a relationship without a sexual issue might not work out because of other issues. So I have tried to cope with my situation by thinking other people with other problems in their lives. I tried to put my energy elsewhere, doing my PhD and working hard. When I came back to my country, I found it very hard to reconnect with my husband We can get along well with each other if I stayed again. We can hug and cuddle, living like two lovely teady bears. I find it too painful to divorce my teady bear. He was always loving, but never made me feel like a woman. My fear is for the unknown. I may end up being alone for the rest of my life. Even a man who can have sex with me may well leave as the two lovers did. I am trying to comfort myself that I could take care of my husband in a decade or so, if we remained single. This idea is helping me to feel less guilt at the moment. I still love him, as I love my brother. It is the guilt, pity, ambivalence and fear that are tormenting me. Link to comment
intotheself Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 I think I left him when I went overseas to study. I remember that looking at my vacant apartment, I talked to myself, 'I wish I would not have come back to this place again'. The thing is that I had to come back to my work which held the position for me after my study. Getting divorced was unthinkable and too difficult at that stage, in my late thirties. But in my fourth year of living abroad, apart from him thousands of miles away, I came to think about divorce as a way out. I still love and respect my husband. We did feel intimacy by cuddles and kisses, which I think maintained the marriage for years. But I was never happy and content in this marriage. While reading your posts and replying to your comments, I seem to be able to validate my decision. I keep thinking though. Link to comment
zaza34 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Hi, reading your answers I find many similarities with my situation, so I permit to add something... It seems to me, that you are having problems with yourself (I had as well) and you are trying to find somebody to fix that, but there is nobody out there who could help you, trust me, I know... You don t need a man to make you feel like a "real" woman because if you don t feel, act like one, no man can change that... It seems like at the beginning of your relationship you also had problems, so it is not just your husband who can t have sex with you, it was just the way things were between the two of you back than, so nobody is to blame for that, just don t forget that a relationship, sex is always about two... If you chose to have affairs (as I did as well) don t expect your husband to find your more attractive, and bond/rebound with you, even if he didn t know about it, I am sure he felt it somehow, that something is not right between the two of you, so you can t except to have a great relationship based on that.... Knowing that you turned to another man may hurt him, and caused his "temporal" impotence (my partner had such fazes as well) but I still think that if you both really want this things can be right again... As you experienced other relationships might not be the answer you are looking for, you just might end up, left, hurt and dealing with others messy problems... as I did... You know, we can t run from ourselves, in that "other" "better" relationship we will still wake up with ourselves and with the same problems... You might not have the "passion" you fancy about right now, but don t forget that you share a long time relationship, good and bad times, you have a history together and that is a good base to start from it again... it not so difficult to have great chemistry with somebody, it doesn't need much, but a great relationship based on love and respect does... and let s not forget passion, butterflys in our stomach etc. don't last long... I don t know about you, I am just telling what I realized after a sexless marriage, and "passionate" but empty relationships... I realized that the answers for my "problems" is me, so I need to work on myself first of all instead of blaming others, relationships don't work automatically, beside love they need constant work and attention from both side... I also realized there is no other man for me out there, because I am with the man I want to be, we just need to work on our problems, we need to still learn a lot about how to communicate about our problems, but while we both want to do this we are making huge progresses... I also realized that is good to be at the place where I belong, where I am welcomed, it is good to "be home" in this relationship again... it s good to be happy again, without feeling guilty, dirty, insecure, used etc... I can just wish you to rediscover your "home" again and just be happy... the answer, the peace you are looking for it is YOU, so fight for it!!! x Link to comment
intotheself Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Dear Zaza34, I appreciate your insightful advice and comments. May I ask you a question? I felt very safe with my husband when I got married. But after experiencing sex with him, I soon lost interest in sex. There were not moments when I enjoyed sex very much with him, relaxed and at peace. In contrast I felt very relaxed, spontaneous, and natural with the two lovers. It was not the passion I looked for in the relationships. I was looking for peace. The second lover gave me lots of peace in bed, although it led to break up due to long distance relationship. The difference between you and me seems that you restored something good you had with your husband before, whereas I don't have good experience with my husband as regards sex. We don't seem to have chemistry as a couple. Did you have good chemitry with your husband when you started (dating/marraige?) Can I restore something that was not present in the beginning? I am not sure if this is really worth fighting for, or wanting for. I am far from being a quitter. I never broke someone's heart in the past. But I did so many wrongs to my husband by having affairs. I feel so guilty that I tortured him for too long by staying unhappy and holding onto him. Link to comment
animal 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 do what will make YOU happy for the rest of your time here on earth Link to comment
zaza34 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Hi again! To answer your questions: when I met my husband I didn t know much about chemistry etc. I was just 20, and I was raped at age 15, so my husband was the first man I ever had real sex with... Yes, I would tell we had good chemistry, a good sex life at the begunning... than gradually everything was falling apart... After looking for solutions, after blaming each other we stopped looking for solutions and just lived without sex for a few years... Than I was looking for other partners (I had 2 in the last 10 years) but I never was happy, nighter with them, I felt just used for sex... none of them loved me, they were both married, so they just needed somebody to have sex with... so after being hurt I realise there is nothing out there for me, so I returned to my husband, this time determined to make things right again between us... and it seems like it is working... So, I don t know about you, if you feel there is nothing you can save and if you think you have a chance to find what you are looking for elsewhere than go for it! After all this is your life, and everybody deserves to be happy... I wish you good luck!!! X Link to comment
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