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a bf and a friend w/ benefits


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so am here to tell my story and looking for some advice. hope you guys can help and thank you very much!


here is my story:


the bf:

i've been seeing him for almost a year. right before i moved to another country we started the relationship.


the friend with benefits:

after i moved to this country i met this guy and he really liked me but i never told him i had a bf. we saw each other couple of times.. as i tried not to be emotionally attached so i kept telling him he was good in bed and nothing emotional has ever been said. once i asked him to drive all the way here to my place (40-70 mins drive depends on traffic) and we had sex. right after that he said he gotta go cuz he had to go to work early in the morning. i was like yeah you'd better go now (cos i also had to go to school early next day morning). and i know that was rude. he then said actually he could stay for a little bit. i just smiled and walked him to the door.


after a while i felt really bad and guilty for cheating on my bf. so i called him and told him i had sex with some guy. i actually wanted to break up with him and i thought he would raise it. cos as you may have seen i don't really love him that much. if i did i wouldn't have had sex with others as soon as i moved. surprisingly he didn't mention anything about breaking up with me. i felt even worse. he said he was gonna have sex with some other women too at least hes not the one started cheating. i said i wouldn't be able to accept it and i know am being selfish. actually i asked him not to have sex with others. probably am not making much sense here cos i said i didn't love him that much but still don't want him to have sex with others. i think i will be really upset if he does. he said it depended on how much commitment is in this relationship and if he saw reason not to have sex he won't.


i feel really bad and guilty. my bf is always so nice to me and always put himself in my shoes. i started feeling i should stop doing all the devil things to him that being said trying to break up with him but i never mentioned it cos if i had said it i would be very upset. so i told him am not willing to commit, hoping he would break up with me.. but still he didn't and said we should just wait for a few months and see what happens.


lately i had sex with the other guy again and now we are both clear that we are nothing but sex buddies. however, i start having feelings for him. and when i tried to be loyal to my bf i told this guy that i had a bf and i wanted to stop seeing each other. but i did see him again. and now he always says i only want sex with him..


my bf doesn't know i had sex again. and he told me he hadn't had sex.


so... that's basically it.. i know i probably sound like a terrible person and guys might wanna stay away from me.. but still i hope you guys can give me some advice on what to do next. i do know what i want.. i wanna break up with my bf yet i don't want him to get hurt and i don't wanna get hurt either.. and the other guy i want something more from him and i wanna know how to convince him that there is something more than sex between us. since my previous behavior makes him think so.


so what do you think about all that and what do you think i should do? thanks for your opinion!

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Your situation is a complicated one. But the solution is simple because you know what you want. It will be hard, but you need to break up with your bf. You might hurt him in the short term, but in the long term he'll be happier he can have sex with other people and date around and find someone who actually loves him.


As for your sex buddy, you shouldn't expect more than what it is - but who knows what will happen.


One thing is clear - you need to end it with your bf, as soon as possible. Every day you stay with him you are hurting him more.

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I don't know how moving to another Country where your BF isn't makes you feel like you can have sex with someone else.


Your story is not uncommon.

I'd say let him go, have your fun, in the new Country.


Will he be busted up?

Most likely.

Whether he will be messed up long term or short term is anyone's guess.


You have already started having a FWB with this man so may as well carry on if your conscience lets you.


We all do dumb things, some dumber than others.

When we do we have to face the consequences of our actions.

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Do the right thing, let your boyfriend go. You're in a relationship for no particular reason other than he's a nice guy. If you want to screw around, then go ahead, that's your choice. Don't drag someone else into it though, it only hurts them and yourself

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You're not ready for a committed relationship with anyone if you can't swear off sex with others and be faithful, regardless of the circumstances.


It is hard to break up with someone if you are attached to them, but it is far worse hurt for him if you heap betrayal and lies on top of a breakup.


If you are both in love with each other and committed to each other and making the relationship work, then there is no excuse for cheating and not devoting yourself to your BF rather than seeing other guys for sex. You could also masturbate between times when you get to see your BF if you get a sexual urge rather than cheating.


So you are seeing this other guy because you want to and like the variety and attention. You just aren't really in love with your BF nor committed to him if you are doing this behind his back, so i think you need to break up and let him go rather than continuing to betray him with someone else. Betrayal causes far more bitterness than just a breakup.

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i do know what i want.. i wanna break up with my bf

First and most importantly, break up with your boyfriend NOW. Its what you want, and what you want is all you care about so do this first. The poor guy is waiting for you to love him, hoping you wont make the same "mistake" again, and all your doing is having more sex behind his back.


yet i don't want him to get hurt

Too late. You pretty much said you didn't care about how he feels earlier, hence you cheating on him and hoping he will breakup with you because you are too scared to do it yourself. The longer you stay with him, the more you are hurting him.


and i don't wanna get hurt either..

yes, poor you...if you don't want to get hurt in the end stop hurting others. Think about it, if you never cheated on your boyfriend you wouldn't be hurt right now, if you broke up with your boyfriend BEFORE banging this other dude maybe he would think of you as more than a fbuddy.


and the other guy i want something more from him and i wanna know how to convince him that there is something more than sex between us. since my previous behavior makes him think so.


Well its kinda hard to convince someone that you want them as more than a fwb while you still have a boyfriend. Again, break up with the boyfriend it will give you more of a chance with this guy obviously. However, unless hes crazy, he won't even want you for more than a fwb because your a pretty worthless gf considering he already witnessed first hand that your willing to sleep around even when your in a relationship.


so what do you think about all that and what do you think i should do? thanks for your opinion!


NP, hope you do the right thing, and learn your lesson for any future relationships.

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You don't need your boyfriend to give you permission to break up with him. You don't need to behave badly to force him to breakup with you. You aren't all that crazy about him, so do the right thing and break up yourself. And once you do, give him the courtesy of staying away. Don't keep one foot in the door, so you have an easy entrance back into your life later should you regret leaving.


Keep your FWB, just know that's what it is.

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