What do you do if you suspect something isn't right?

[Voguester]

In a long distance relationship I'm just wondering, what if you suspect your SO could have found someone else? Even if you ask and they flat out deny it?

 

My boyfriend is definitely acting different at the moment and isn't as interested and attentive when we talk on MSN sometimes, he also says that he won't have as much time for me anymore with his new job which is fine but then he also says that he doesn't want the pressure of me wanting to include him in my future plans.

 

That's another thing, is it good to talk about where your relationship is going in an LDR? am I being too much by saying I want to have a life with him?

 

I just get this gut feeling that something just isn't right but there's no real way for me to know.

[Leona700]

Well just the fact that he says "the pressure of being with you in the future plans". Being with you should not be pressure but instead a desire. You have to flat out ask him what he wants from you now and in the future. If he ever sees himself marrying you. After all isnt that why we date anyways. Dont wait like a lost puppy for him to call you to come thru. He will lose all respect for you. Love and respect go hand in hand.

[Voguester]

Hi Leona, I have asked him what he wants from me in the future and he says that he doesn't know, that he doesn't have his own life figured out yet so it's putting too much pressure on us but then other times he says that he would marry me and we can move in together. This is why I already have these hopes about us and I've stayed in this LDR for almost 3 years.

[HeartGoesOn]

I thought you broke up, are you back together?

[camus154]

In my opinion LDRs need to have some time table of becoming something else; otherwise it's like floating about living two separate lives while pretending to have something serious.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but your bf is losing interest. It could just be the pressure of maintaining an LDR coupled with a new job, but his response to you very clearly indicates both his hesitation and what priority you are.

 

You've been with him for well long enough for him to have an idea of what he wants for the future together. If he can't figure that out after 3 years together, he never will. Call it off with him and don't look back.

[Voguester]

I don't know what he wants from me. We still talk but whether he wants to be with me, that's another story...it's complicated

 

The other night I said I didn't know if I should stay here and focus on my studies or move overseas to where he is and he said that it doesn't matter which one I choose, there'll be plenty of time in my life to do either of them. * * * o_o

 

I just want a straight out answer - Do you want to persue a relationship with me, do you want us to be together next year?

 

These questions sound reasonable to me but then he gets all defensive and says If I do move there next year, it shouldn't be for him because he's not worth it.

[OptomisticGirl]

It is never a bad thing to discuss future plans in a LDR. You have to do so more than a normal relationship, IMO.

 

With what your BF told you, it sounds like he's pulling away. For what reason, I don't know. My fiance just came out of a hard training thing at work and it severely cut our talking time and yes, there were days he couldn't give me the attention I needed but I also knew it was temp. Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to lay the ground work for leaving the relationship.

[Batya33]

Before my now husband and I embarked on our LDR we were clear with each other that the only reason we were willing to put in the time and effort required in a LDR was because our mutual goal was to see if we should marry (we had dated in the past, not LD and broken up). I never ever thought he was dating anyone else or looking to date anyone else.

[DylanNotorious]

I don't know what he wants from me.

 

I think your in denial. He's already told you that it's over. Your not listening to what he's saying. Yes he should give you a definite flat out answer, but I think he's trying to spare you your feelings.

[Leona700]

Break it off first and make sure you DONT contact him unless he contects you. Even then ignore some of his calls. If you dont hes going to dump you. If you beg or tell him how much you love him he will lose even more interest. Its reverse psychology. Think of it this way. Even though hes losing interest he loves you just as much as you love him because you've dated a long time. You have to make him miss you. You have to remind him how wonderful it is being with you. Even though this will be the most painful part you have to think with your head at all times. The truth is you are on the virge of losing him. If you want him dump him first. Its time for a COLD shoulder. Im giving you the advice I would give my best friend. My ex-boyfriend left to Europe after our problems were getting too big to handle basiclly ran away and I told him to keep it moving. He didnt think I would break up with him. He told me its getting overwhelming I told him to go F..himself. He calls me and crys for me. Love and Respect is a two way street. You have to give it but also DEMAND it. He offered to buy my ticket to Europe and I said no thank you. You might think its all games but at some point you have to decide what you want for yourself and if that person is willing to give you what you are asking for.

[Miss Firecracker]

He's done with this but doesn't have enough courage to come straight out and say it.

 

Date other people.

[Voguester]

I want to try the no contact thing but I don't think I'm strong enough to do it, it's crazy...I get withdrawals like an addict without their drugs. When I'm not talking to him at our usual time I start to wonder what he's doing, if he'll try and message me. I hate living this way, I wish I could be content with my own company and quit acting so desperate. I just don't know how.

[deff808]

I have that feeling all the time, i'm in the same boat as you...

Hot n Cold! Ughhh... Sometimes you just have to go with your instincts or your gut feelings... No one is stupid! We all human....

[silenciomaria]

i know that "gut feeling" as I myself have been through the same situation well sort off, and its killing me knowing that you can't do anythign about it because of the distance, when all of a sudden your partner starts acting weird and cold, I think its got something to do with time spent apart is getting on both of you, that you don't know what else to talk about and you feel like your losing him , I know LDR isnt easy, i've been in one for just about five years. and you know what, the truth is, loving someone, even in LDR isnt about giving and waiting for something in return, maybe you feel like your putting to much effort into it but not getting something equal in return, hence you feel like he's not giving you enough attention that you need. and it is normal to talk about your future plans, who's moving where and when, with the person your with, but sometimes you have to learn how to be patient, and wait, not just for each other, but wait for everything