Drifting apart or just normal progression of a relationship??

[confuzed25]

My boyfriend and I have been dating 8 months. He is 28 and I am 25. We have a very loving relationship where we support each other, compliment each other daily, and say I love you very frequently and express how happy we are together and how lucky we are to have one another. We very rarely fight and when we do its more of a little argument that blows over quickly and everything is fine again. I trust him 100% because he has expressed his pure hatred for cheating and that he would never ever do it (he was cheated on in the past.) We see each other 2-3 times a week and text everyday, and talk on the phone almost everyday. Our relationship is definitely the best one ive ever had and he says the same. He tells me all the time that I am the perfect girl for him and im the best girl out there. We have talked of marriage and he says he knows im THE girl.

 

I guess I have never had such a mature relationship and one that I am sure is headed towards long term....so im not sure if it is progressing right or not. I mean in the beginning we couldnt get enough of each other (honeymoon period.) Then after about 6 months it started to slack off....didnt see each other as often, didnt text as much, werent showering each other with affections. I know that thats a pretty normal progression of a relationship because you just cant keep the honeymoon period forever, its just too much work and you get into a comfort zone with each other. But what Im concerned about is the fact that on the days where we dont see each other we still text back and forth but its like we dont have much to say....we might say hey what are you doing and then he or I answers and says what are you up to and then we say I love you or I miss you and the conversation dies and then a couple hours later one of us might strike up another short conversation that dies out quickly and then we might not text again until its time to say good night. I feel like is it a bad thing that we dont have much to talk about? And lately within the last week and a half it seems like one or both of us is too wore out for sex....we usually end up doing it but its nothing special, usually no foreplay, just a quickie. We were never like that before...it used to be a lot of foreplay and different positions and then cuddle afterwards. In our defense we have both had very busy days at work lately and have reason to be tired.

 

Then theres the fact that lately we just havent seen each other as much....this bothers me the most. When we first started dating he wanted to see me ALL THE TIME even if that meant driving 40 minutes to my house every chance he could get. Now its like we are lucky to see each other 2 or 3 times a week and its usually me going to his house which has always been easier anyways because he has dogs to take care of and he works every morning whereas I dont. But its the fact that he doesnt make as much of an effort anymore. And he has been hanging out with his friends a little more often too....I have not seen him in 3 days but instead of seeing me tonight like he usually would because we are both off work he asked me if it was ok if he goes to the races tonight with his buddy because he really wants to but feels bad because he knows I dont want to go. I told him that was fine, I know its important for him to spend time with his friends and dont expect him to spend every free moment with me. He said I am the absolute best and its so nice to have someone who doesnt get mad when he does something he really wants to do, and that I am the perfect girl for him and he cant put into words how much he loves me. Then he said he will come to my house the next day so we can spend time together which I told him is fine. But I still cant help but be a little offended....I would choose him over my friends especially because we have only seen each other one other time this week and he just went to the races last weekend without me because I had to work. And last night instead of making plans to see me he went out for a drink with his uncle. He still tells me everyday how incredibly much he loves me and this morning he texted me saying that im the best and he loves me. But Im just concerned about whether we are drifting apart or if this is just normal for a relationship as it progresses. Any opinions would be appreciated.

[CatsMeeoow]

Here's the thing... if there is something that is bothering you in a realtionship you need to say so.... stating its fine and you recognize his needs to be with friends to him but secretly you are feeling offended that he would do such a thing is what will doom your relationship. You start to rack up resentment and anger and at some point down the road blow you top totally taking him by surprise and he wonders why it came out of left field....

 

He is taking the time to stroke your ego by telling you he loves you and your best... let him know how much you enjoy that he says that... how much it means to you.

 

Then take some initiative... I don't know why women always thinks it up to the man to guide the relationship... If you feel you are in a rut find something that the two of you can do - with in your budget of course. Let him know how much you would like to go hiking at a state park 2hr away... could the two of you do it sometime soon for a date? You looked into how much indoor rock climbing would be and how much you like to try it with him... are their any places near his house?

 

Now once you do whatever it is you pick then let him know much fun you had and how much you loved that he did it with you! Then ask if he will plan the next adventure or afternoon you have together... whatever. Keep in mind things don't have to cost much... picnic in a park is next to nothing!

 

So next time he asks about ditching you for friends... BE HONEST... state I'm a little blue as I was looking forward to seeing you but I completely understand so could we definitely plan some type of fun outing for our next get together so I have something to look forward to?

 

Good Luck

[lastcall23]

The part thats bold, if you aren't spending AS much time together, then eventually texting and talking will become more previlent because you have things to tell one another about your day(s). I think its normal. Me and my ex (who are still very close, almost couple close) still talk every single day but we have lags in the convo where I wont hear from him for a couple hours then he will text me out of the blue and talk to me about something that he just did or a convo he just had. Sometimes we will just sit and call each other funny names back and fourth for hours because we don't have anything very exciting to talk about. I can understand being upset that hes choosing to see his friends over you when you really haven't spent much time together but being with your friends is still very important and I think you should make plans with your friends too and get your mind off of things. I think its normal with any relationship. Theres gunna be really great highs and some really crappy lows but all in all, sounds like a normal relationship to me.

[confuzed25]

just feel like I want to be his best friend as well as girlfriend. He does not go out with his friends a lot, but I still feel like when I have not seen him in days and he says he misses me but chooses to go to the races over me it kind of bothers me. I can understand why he really wants to go, a few of his cousins and one of his friends are actually racing. But its also not like he never does anything with his friends....he spent the whole day golfing with a bunch of his buddies last weekend, went to the races last Friday, met up with his uncle for beers last night, and plays on a sand volleyball team with friends. Alot of the time when its just me and him he wants to just kind of hang out and cuddle whereas I am more of a go out and do things kind of person. When we do actually go out and do something like going to a wedding reception or going camping like we've done this summer we have a great time together. I am just wondering if he is getting bored with me or if this is just normal in a relationship to have a chance to see your girlfriend but choose to do something else instead.

[DylanNotorious]

You said so yourself - you are both busy people and so when he does get a bit of free time, he's trying to fit in a social life and a having a girlfriend. And sometimes it's hard to cram it all in.

 

I think it's important that both of you don't put your friends on the back-burner. You mentioned that you would choose your boyfriend over your friends. Do you think that's wise? You need a healthy balance between both.

 

And your boyfriend is maintaining friendships that are important to him.

[confuzed25]

ugh i dont know what to believe...i just have all these doubts about us. It doesnt help that I have not heard from him since 8:15 this morning when he sent me his good morning text as usual. He used to text me throughout the day or at least on his lunch break and then definitely when he got off work. But he is definitely off work by now and I havent heard a thing from him.....he cant tell me he didnt have 10 seconds to say that he was thinking about me or to ask me what I was doing or at least tell me he was off work. Just feel like if you truly love someone you would wonder what they were doing or would jump at the chance to see them if its been a few days.

[lastcall23]

I'm sorry to say this but your being extremely needy. Especially for someone whose been in a relationship for 8 months. Me and my ex used to only get to see each other once a week because we were both always so busy and I never complained. If anything I always knew I had sundays to look forward to seeing him and that was in the BEGINNING of the relationship. You need to have space in a relationship otherwise you start getting on each others nerves. If him not doing/doing certain things is really bothering you this much, though, you need to sit down and have a talk with him about it. Don't attack him just explain the way your feeling. Communication is what keeps a relationship together.

[confuzed25]

but you said it....your ex. You two did not work out. This man and I have talked about marriage....if he is the one I am going to marry then it is concerning to me that he already feels like hanging out with his friends over me. We dont live together, dont even see each other very often. And hes not really busy other than work. I would completely understand him wanting to hang out with his friends if 1.) he hardly ever sees them or 2.) already spent a lot of time with me this week. But neither is true. He knows I am going out with my friend tonight but it doesnt seem to bother him, he cant even text me after work to tell me hes off or ask how my day has gone. I dont think thats asking too much considering thats what we do everyday. Basically I just want the man I end up marrying to be crazy about me and look forward to seeing me. He was just telling me last weekend that he gets sad when I have to leave and misses me right away. Thats obviously a lie because I have not seen him in 3 days and he chose to do something other than with me....makes me wonder if he says these things just to keep my hanging around until he finds something else.

[nutbrownhare]

It all sounds perfectly normal to me; of course you aren't going to have much to talk about if all your spare time is spent together, and the fact that he's reconnecting with friends and relatives who might have been neglected in the last few months sounds really healthy for the relationship.

 

As you know, the honeymoon period fades away; unfortunately it fades away at slightly different rates for different people and it sounds as though this is what is happening with your guy. But - and I can't emphasise this too strongly - it's GOT to fade away for you to have a lasting relationship, or it's just not based on reality. Expecting someone to be crazy about you and falling over themselves to see you, regardless of whatever else is going on in their lives is just not realistic.

 

It's great that you're going out with your friend tonight, and you really need to connect with your friends more than you have been. If it DID bother him that you're going out with your friend, I'd be really, really worried - abusers keep a tight rein on who their partners meet up with, and try and restrict them.

 

The only mistake you're making at the moment is placing him as the only source of good things in your life. For your own sake, as well as the sake of your relationship, you need to get out more, see your own friends more, and keep up the interests you had before you two even met. This will make you a more interesting person, and make him more likely to be crazy about seeing you, as well as making you less dependent on him.

 

Unfortunately, we are fed a load of romantic codswallop when it comes to relationships; healthy relationships are not based on hearts and flowers. They are based on mutual respect, people who function well independently as well as being really committed to their partners, and have a life, interests and friends outside the relationship. I'd believe him utterly when he gets sad when you have to leave, and misses you straight away. However, he's a healthy guy and is maintaining himself rather than clinging to you in a state of needy desperation. You need to learn to do the same, and I guess look at how whole your whole life really is. It would be a pity if you sabotaged a potentially really healthy relationship when it's really ready to settle down. Of course he hasn't been texting you and hassling you when you're out with your friend - he's giving you (healthy) space.

[superfox]

Listen to nutbrown! She's a wise hare

 

I've been with my bf for 9 months and in the beginning we'd be constantly texting and emailing and we'd see each other at least once a fortnight due to living an hour apart and work commitments. We don't text as much now and rarely email but we do spend more time together when we can.

Relationships move on and mature, he even farts in front of me now but to be honest that particular honeymoon period didn't last that long

 

One of us makes the initial text in the morning and he usually calls me before he goes to sleep, with maybe an odd text through the day. What is it stopping you texting or calling him?

 

When you are with the one you love you can be doing nothing and feel happy, can you both curl up in contented silence? It's hard to make small talk on the phone for some guys, whereas we can talk for hours with our own gfs about the most unimportant rubbish. Men don't work like that. I know he misses me when i'm not there, sometimes after we've spent time together he can be distant for a day but I know that is because he wants us to be together. Due to a family problem we ended up spending three weeks together, virtually 24 hours a day and it was bliss. So much so that we viewed a house together last week

 

You want to marry this guy, he wants to marry you. You live 40 miles away (same distance as my bf and I) one day one of you will have to make the move, have you discussed any of this? Sometimes I wish my bf would make grand romantic gestures but that isn't him! And i love HIM! The way he is, which is something i'd never change. Word to the wise, never EVER whine that a guy chooses his friends over you, this races trip might be a one off. Be sickeningly sweet and tell him to have a great time

[confuzed25]

I kind of thought it was normal....just nervous that we're getting into a rut and hes going to get bored. I mean Im starting to become a little unhappy so I wouldnt be surprised if he is too. I just wish the guy would SHOW he cared more rather than just SAYING it. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him but it bothers me that he never gets jealous or insecure or worries about losing me. Like tonight he finally texts me around 7.....I was getting ready to meet my friend so I didnt text him back, figured let him sweat it out for a little bit. An hour goes by and I meet up with my friend and he texts me again saying "u ok babe and having a good time? just wondered cuz i hadnt heard from you." Another half hour goes by and he says "i love you and miss you so much." Finally I text him back and say "hey yea having a good time, love u too." Then he starts rambling on about how the races are going, blah blah blah. Never asks what took me so long to text him back, didnt ask if everything was ok. He never gets jealous or reacts at all when I become a little distant. I just dont get it...in his last relationship he was cheated on for 4 months!! you would think he would be a little insecure or have a hard time trusting. And once a long time ago I had a talk with him about how I wasnt sure if we were going to work out, that I felt my feelings were changing. He barely reacted, just kind of shrugged his shoulders and said he didnt want to lose me and that this was coming out of left field and that he loved me but he was so calm about it. I wish he would get jealous or upset or SOMETHING to show he gave a crap.

[nutbrownhare]

This is just so destructive, and if you want a good relationship to last with anyone, anyone at all - you need to get rid of this kind of mindset.

 

If you love someone, why do you want them to feel insecure? Firstly, insecurity leads to all sorts of unpleasant behaviours which you don't want in a loving relationship and secondly (in my book at least) if you love someone, you want them to be happy. Why should he ask what took you a while to text him back? Actually, you were playing a game ("figured let him sweat it out for a little bit") and while there's nothing wrong with not being too available, you were hoping to manipulate a particular response from him. And felt disappointed when this did not come. This is not a good idea. There are people who will give you the third degree every time there's a delay in your response, will want to know where you are and what you're doing every minute of the day - these are the people who turn out to be really emotionally/physically abusive in the longer term. This is not coming from a loving place, but a needy, controlling one.

 

And what I really don't understand is why you don't want him to trust you, and want him to feel insecure and afraid of losing you - though I'm guessing that you regard that as a measure of love. It ISN'T. Rather than looking at the fact that he texts you every morning, has texted you to tell you he loves you and misses you, and taking that to mean he loves you - you're hoping to get him upset to show he loves you. This is toxic.

 

You could be grateful that here is someone who could justifiably feel bitter and insecure, but isn't dumping any baggage from his past on you, or trying to blame or hurt you for someone else's infidelity. It shows great strength of character on his part. Trust is a positive thing in a relationship, and he clearly trusts and respects you - yet you regard this as not giving a crap, despite his continued loving contact. It sounds as though you have internalised some pretty destructive stuff about the way relationships are supposed to be, which is not only likely to destroy potentially healthy relationships when they arise, but will predispose you to being in abusive ones. The kind of continued attention you seem to want, along with wanting him to be needy and distressed at anything which might hint at abandonment, is the hallmark during the honeymoon period of those relationships which turn out to be terribly abusive.

 

Quite apart from this relationship, for your own peace of mind and ability to sustain relationships in the future, you need to re-examine some of your core beliefs.

[MissTammy]

Confuzed25, I really feel that I can relate to how you ear feeling. I too am in a relationship which sounds EXACTLY like this one, however I have only been with my guy for 4 months.

 

There is some fantastic advice from everyone on here. I also realise that the way I feel is not good and that I have to step back and let my bf go out with his mates. I would never, have never stopped him from doing so, but like you I feel offended that he would rather see them than me. Actually, our relationships sound freakishly the same! The kind of things your guy says and does is EXACTLY the same as what my guy does! If I dont text in a while he will actually put "are you ok honey, I havent heard from you in a while".

 

I hope we both get over our fears because it really does sound like we both have wonderful, caring understanding, loving boyfriends.

 

Good luck.