Obligation - What's supposed to be romantic about it exactly?

[hexaemeron]

So, this thought has been percolating around in my mind for a few days because of a few threads here. It seems like people are altogether champing at the bit to obligate a significant other or even a new casual date interest to their exact whims.

 

I guess my question here is why are you entitled to do that, and what exactly is supposed to be romantic about that? Wouldn't obligation stifle a growing or even a long-term relationship?

 

ie. "You must call me x number of times a day." or "You have to tell me "I love you" this much."

[Seraphim]

I think a lot of it comes down the fact we want people to act how WE would act. The statement, " if you were more like me I would not to be mad with you.". The rub of it is NO ONE is like us. Every single person is different. I know for myself expectations are sometimes hard to give up about certain things but I do deep in my heart want people to be who they are, even if that is not like me at all.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, that's what I trying to understand. When attitudes like this crop up, it always seems "You're wrong because it's not what I want."

 

...Well, who said you're the authority here? You know?

[banal]

No offense to the posters here, but some of them seem a little bit crazy and too demanding.

 

I'm going to suspect that this desire to obligate has to do with a desire for commitment, in some of the more innocuous cases. Like, once your partner begins to call you routinely and to say he loves you, then he's officially your boyfriend. Or, in most of the scenarios, it has to do with the poster's own insecurities that he/she needs to get under control.

[Seraphim]

There are different ways of being is all. I think all of us have to work harder at seeing it.

[In the Dark]

Because some people just want to have those things said and done by their significant other to feel like they are loved?

To me it would not feel genuine, but be done because it was expected to be.

 

I can not see anything good coming out of this the more I think about it.

I mean what happens if not enough calls or whatever words they want to hear are not being said enough according to how many times it's expected to be done?

Fear of not being in to them as much?

[TakingtheBlame]

First off, I totally agree that I've read posts here (and met people in real life) that have ridiculous expectations of their significant others, and I've often found such expectations can turn an organic, comfortable new relationship into a forced business deal.

 

That said, playing devil's advocate, I can see setting concrete rules as an attempt to make things easier on a new partner. For example, let's say I like hearing from my significant other fairly often, and he calls once or twice a week. Once or twice a week is just not cutting it for me; for whatever reason, I feel lonely hearing from him only once or twice a week. Which way of communicating this to him seems less vague and potentially confusing: (a) "I feel like you aren't calling me enough; call me more!" or (b) I don't feel like we're communicating enough between dates; can we try to increase communication to at least four times a week?" If a guy thinks it's OK to call once or twice a week my assumption is he wouldn't know what "calling more" means...three times a week? Three times a day? An arbitrary guideline, like "call me four times a week" or "Call me every day" is a much easier guideline to follow, so though it may seem insecure and insane, it can actually be a much more helpful compromise.

 

If that makes any sense.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is such a wide range of expectations which fall under obligation, from common sense/common courtesy ones, to the ones that are the result of insecurity and neediness. In a relationship it is common sense and common courtesy to keep in touch regularly, to not cheat, to not lie, to not take your partner for granted etc. It has nothing to do with romance...it has to do with treating people right. The expectations of calling and texting 200 times a day and saying "I love you" every day is what comes out of neediness and insecurity. That too has nothing to do with romance and more to do with a person's inner unhappiness which requires constant validation.

[Tanzi]

I don't think these things are an obligation as such but more of an expectation. An obligation suggests it is something you feel you have to do that you would otherwise chose not to, whereas an expectation suggests that it is something more usual or common amongst, say, two individuals in a relationship. Of course, what one person sees as an expectation, another may see as an obligation as some people's expectations far exceed another persons expectations. Generally, however, we expect to be treated as we would treat others. I think the situation you describe is, more often than not, borne from insecurity ... at that stage it is less about expectation or even obligation and more about reassurance.

[Tanzi]

Oh gosh, I must have been typing as everyone else was. Sorry if I have repeated what has already been said!

[bichin]

It could be as simple as explaining who we are without self-censorship. How many times have we heard, "I would have been happy to do anything if only he/she had told me what that was."

[thejigsup]

I have a way of dealing with this that never fails. I make no demands, heck I don't even give suggestions, of how I want to be treated. I just let people be themseves and treat me the way they think best. I know within a couple of months whether we will be compatible or not. I don't need "I love you's", I get annoyed when someone calls me too much, and I really have no use for flowers or candy. So, if a guy starts that stuff, I usually either set him straight after a little while or end the relationship. I like intelligent conversation, at most once a day. I like to go out to museums and art galleries. Concerts are nice and I love the theater, these things a man knows from the beginning, but I just let them be themseves and see where it goes. So many people on here say, "He/She had me completely fooled!" But were they ever allowed to be themselves before they broke up with you? I would bet many times not.

[Miss Firecracker]

I ask what is romantic about settling for dirt?

[hexaemeron]

I ask what is romantic about settling for dirt?

 

I don't see what one has to do with the other?

[Kitkat973]

I can't really comment on early on in a relationship, but after having been with my partner for five years, I've found that it's easy to get caught in routine and ignore each other's needs without ever really meaning to. Being upfront about expectations and needs can help.

[FathomFear]

The typical one that baffles me the most is "I totally trust my partner but I don't want him/her spending any time with his exes / being around the opposite sex in intimate settings alone / etc". When you really pick this statement apart I would argue that it has an underpinning of disrespect. It's essentially the same thing as saying "Well Partner, I actually believe that the only thing stopping you from cheating is the fact that you're not allowed to be in close proximity with anyone who could possibly be construed as sexually inviting. Sorry--this is really for your own good". It really just blows my mind and I have a hard time understanding how anyone could be satisfied or actually call this "romantic". I personally would want to feel that my partner was with me because he wanted to be with me, not because I enforced a set of rules that ensured that he was never exposed to anyone else.

[Glowguy]

The typical one that baffles me the most is "I totally trust my partner but I don't want him/her spending any time with his exes / being around the opposite sex in intimate settings alone / etc". When you really pick this statement apart I would argue that it has an underpinning of disrespect.

 

You can also argue this the other way around. If any SO prioritizes an ex over me then it's not worth it to me to be with them and I interpret that as disrespect. There is nothing wrong with having standards and expectations in a relationship. Everyone does. Some are obviously more unreasonable than others.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Interesting thread and responses. I think that anyone who imposes what could be construed as an obligation on to their partner is not relationship ready. Sure, people can change...a little. They can bend to make their partner happy. If you're middle of the road on contact or "I love you's" and your partner likes a little more or less, then you try to adjust and accommodate them. You lean yourself in their direction. Compromise is important in a healthy relationship. When someone essentially demands they receive X, you really don't have a relationship. You certainly don't have romance. True partners don't do that to each other. What you have is one person trying to make the other what they want. And rather than leaving to find someone more on their playing field, they often resort to tricks. Control, manipulate, obligate. Maybe they're lazy or insecure. Maybe that very dynamic is what gets them off. The only thing that's certain, is it isn't going to last.

[OptomisticGirl]

True. Now one can say they trust their partner but not the opposite sex - which, I don't. I know how women think - but I trust my partner to be around members of my sex and how he carries himself around them.

[GrowingIn]

You really have to be somewhat idealistic to completely trust another human being to be above temptation, sin, and wrongdoing and expect everlasting romance. Human beings are imperfect. I am 100% honest from the start when I say I will NEVER 100% trust you to a woman. Trust is always going to be a sliding scale and it's heavily dependent on what goes on between two people. And I expect the same type of realistic treatment in return. Under the correct circumstances, we would all slip up.

 

But then again it really depends on what you are looking for. A short term fling where you are both infatuated and romance is in full swing, yeah you have a point. But if you ever plan on having a 20 year relationship and expect romance alone to make that last........good luck! I believe without some restraint, rules, commitments and boundaries, it's probably highly unlikely you will ever make romance last 20 years.

[Sim54]

Ah, crap, that link got censored, i'm gonna pm you instead.

[Miss Firecracker]

Ah, crap, that link got censored, i'm gonna pm you instead.

 

That page does contain a lot of my actual thoughts.

[FathomFear]

You can also argue this the other way around. If any SO prioritizes an ex over me then it's not worth it to me to be with them and I interpret that as disrespect. There is nothing wrong with having standards and expectations in a relationship. Everyone does. Some are obviously more unreasonable than others.

 

Sure, priotizing someone else to a significant degree is a problem. But that wasn't the scenario I was specifically referring to. You see post after post on these forums of people freaking out if their SO even sends one or two messages on FB to someone they could potentially be attracted to, or simply going to lunch with such a person once in a blue moon.

[FathomFear]

But then again it really depends on what you are looking for. A short term fling where you are both infatuated and romance is in full swing, yeah you have a point. But if you ever plan on having a 20 year relationship and expect romance alone to make that last........good luck! I believe without some restraint, rules, commitments and boundaries, it's probably highly unlikely you will ever make romance last 20 years.

 

So what you're saying is that you don't believe monogamy is a natural state of being and that we need to limit the exposure our partners have to people they might be attracted to, just to keep a monogamous relationship going? Because that's the conclusion I'm getting from your post.

[Alezia]

There is quite a difference between a positive suggestion such as "I love it when you call me during lunch hours! You should surprise me with your voice more often." vs. "I expect you to call me every lunch time." Suggestions are positive to a relationships and partners will seek out some kind of compromise, demands are usually detrimental and the other person will either comply to appease the other which can be suffocating in the long term or either just leave.

 

Girls (perhaps guys too), sometimes have preconceived ideas of how a 'perfect' relationship should look like, and for their own comfort, they try to mould the guy to their version of a prince charming. They usually start off really small, until the demands grow to lunatic proportions. I've honestly been embarrassed before at some of insane demands on the part of one of my ex-friends. She actually demanded for this guy to never look at me in the eyes while talking together when we were in public - come again?!