Torn and Feeling Guilty

[welsh20]

Hi everyone, so I'm starting to creep into a situation that could potentially get quite complicated and I felt like I needed to talk to people.

 

I'm 20 and I've been with my current boyfriend for just a month. I've knew him from high school and after around 5 years of not seeing him he asked to meet for a drink etc so I obliged and things sort of just went from there. It was easy and simple to fall into. We're happy, but he does have tendencies that irritate me already (such as being unemployed and making no effort to find a job, and being massively in debt). He's also become very full-on very quickly, which I'm weary of seeing as I've had the same problem with previous partners in the past.

 

So that's a bit about my relationship. The problem is that there's another guy, Mr X. I've been talking to Mr X for a couple of months now, and whilst things began as friendly conversation, things have started to develop and, guiltily, I've started feeling for him. Mr X is a few years older than I am, works in law, is attractive and is exactly what I would label my "type". I've kept an eye on our friendship from the beginning because I felt it was dangerous territory for my relationship, determined to not fall for Mr X and to keep things on a friends-only level. So far I have, I'm not one to cheat, never have; but that doesn't stop me feeling really guilty over my feelings for Mr X, and, as admitted by him, his feelings for me.

 

It's still early days, so who knows, things in the future could potentially not even pan out with Mr X, but right now I'm stuck wondering if I'm in a relationship with the wrong person. The answer to me seems obvious but I feel so guilty and awful for thinking it, even if my current relationship is still in it's early days and not too developed yet. I hate hurting people

[lastcall23]

Really, it comes down to what is going to make you happy. One thing I will stress is that don't always assume the "grass is greener". I mean if you think this "Mr.X" is interested in you as more than a friendship and you are him, i'd say attempt it but when you do and if it doesn't work out, do not go back to your ex expecting to be with him. It isn't right or fair. If you really love your current boyfriend, stay with him, don't let temptation blind you. Some people seems great outside of being in an actual relationship with them but sometimes, the second you get into one with them, they turn into a whole different person so keep that in mind also.

[TwilightLurker]

I think there could be a problem with your current relationship if you've developed feelings for another guy after just one month of committing yourself to your present boyfriend. If you were truly in love with your boyfriend, you wouldn't be having these thoughts. Aside from your boyfriend not having a job and lacking the desire to find one, are there other issues that you have with him, issues that you might, perhaps, consider small or trivial, but issues nonetheless? Your feelings for this other guy indicate you're not fully or even mainly satisfied with what you're getting from your current boyfriend and you're seeking a more compatible match. While I'm completely against one person going behind another person's back and engaging in a clandestine relationship/encounter with someone, I think it's fully okay to have the thoughts that you're having, because the reality is, some relationships ultimately don't work out, and this may be a relationship that doesn't, and it's okay to wonder if there might be a better match for you, out there. I think you need to seriously evaluate your current relationship, go over the reasons you're attracted to your boyfriend and weigh those reasons against the issues you have with him.

 

Also, if you haven't, you should sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him about the behavior that irritates you. You need open, honest communication for a relationship to work. If you're annoyed he has no urgency to find work, explain to him why that bothers you. See if he's eager to work with you to make the relationship a happier one. How hard the two of you work to make the relationship work will serve as an indicator for how much the two of you love each other. If the need to make each other happy isn't there, then I would say the relationship has a good chance of failing and he may indeed not be the right guy for you.

[lukeb]

I would add that the issues that you have with your current boyfriend shouldn't have anything to do with your interest in this Mr X. I would say cut off contact with this Mr.X, tell him you are going through some stuff and need to figure some things out. For better or worse you need to explore the possibility of a relationship with the guy you are with now.