Help! Break-up advice for my own sanity.

[Pamela Ju]

Hello!

 

I was in a relationship with a man for about 3 years. Toward the end of our time together, he began to treat me poorly, often abusing me mentally and choosing not respect my feelings. Things ended and I chased after him for about a year and a half. Throughout that time, he took advantage of being single and slept with many girls. A couple of months later I began seeing another man. Eventually, I became his girlfriend. My ex and I had always remained in contact, even after the break-up and when he found out I was dating someone new, he decided to tell me he wanted to fix things with me. Obviously, I told him that was not a possibility, but considering I regarded him as a friend, I remained in contact with him nonetheless. Nothing ever happened between us and when he would ask me to see him, I always refused. The new guy in my life found out we had spoken a couple of times, and he asked what my ex's intentions were. I wanted to be honest so I told him that he was trying to get back with me. He was very hurt that I still spoke to him and asked me to stop doing so. I did for a while and 2 months later, he discovered a one-hour phone call I had had with my ex. He was in shock since he had asked me not to speak to him and I had broken his trust. He gave me one more chance to never pick up his calls again or he said he would leave me. A couple of months after that, I told him that my ex and I spoke but that I picked up only to tell him to stop calling me. My boyfriend was furious, and he could not understand why I would disrespect him and not take into consideration his feelings once again. He broke up with me shortly after, and said he tried to forget about the call but that he simply couldn't trust me anymore. I am devastated at the moment because I feel like I lost someone very special to me and I know I was given many chances to prove myself but that I still let him down. I know we will never get back together because he is very stubborn but I don't know how to manage the feelings of guilt and regret and I live with them daily. Any advice on how to move on with my life without falling into a deep depression, because I feel that is where I am headed...

[endy]

Yeah, you forgive yourself for your mistakes and you let the past be the past. Why would you stay in contact with the ex? Some people can be friends after the relationship, but you never really went NC at all. Meaning you probably never got completely over your ex. He set boundaries (which is healthy) and asked you not to do it anymore and you kept doing it. You need to respect the person you're with, not who you were with in the past.

 

With that said some men wouldn't mind this. I didn't mind my ex, contacting her ex, but they also ended up getting back together because of it. Put yourself in his shoes next time. How would you like if he was contacting another female that he was intimate with for years?

 

You need to move on and not chase because he made a decision to end it. Respect that decision. The breakup probably wasn't all your fault and maybe he has trust issues. Someone that was in your life for so long it takes time to let go, and sometimes you stay friends. I personally wouldn't have a problem with this, but he abused you mentally. Why would you even talk to the guy again? Learn from this. It's going to be painful to get through. You said a couple of months later you found this last ex. What is a couple months? It takes awhile to grieve a 3 year relationship.

[Pamela Ju]

After my ex and I broke up I chased for about a year. Months later, this new guy came into my life. Thank-you for your advice. I feel like I lost someone very important to me, but I guess I need to accept the consequences. I'm not really sure why I was still in contact with my ex. I was just trying to be nice but I should have respected my bf's decision at the time. Do you think everything happens for a reason?

[beachbum642]

To me it seems like there was still a strong connection between you and your ex. So I understand why your newer boyfriend would have been upset about the phone calls. I dont think he is as upset about the phone calls per say he is more upset because you were contacting him and having that closeness with your ex and he didnt feel like that was fair and I get that. I think what you need to do is sit down and right your newer guy that just broke up with you a letter and explain how you feel, it cant hurt. And if he decides to come back he will but you have to not speak to your ex again. He is prob upset that you would talk to your ex after the way he treated you as well. That can be disappointing to a man that actually does care for you. I think the letter will help to release your feeling and show him that you truthfully do care for him and want it to work. If he cares that much I think he will come back if not then you know he was not the person for you. And you will find the right guy. Dating sites etc are always a good way to get yourself back out there if you are feeling down. It will keep you occupied. Hang out with your friends alot and enjoy life, dont sit around sad. I just got out of a relationship 6 months ago and was hating life, and finally one day I woke up and sad what am I so said about. And now I couldnt be happier with my life. That is what you need to do, be happy with who you are and remember you cant change the past so move forward and work to make a better future. Hope this helps.

[endy]

After my ex and I broke up I chased for about a year. Months later, this new guy came into my life. Thank-you for your advice. I feel like I lost someone very important to me, but I guess I need to accept the consequences. I'm not really sure why I was still in contact with my ex. I was just trying to be nice but I should have respected my bf's decision at the time. Do you think everything happens for a reason?

 

 

Most certainly, however what concerns me is a few months later is not long enough to grieve a 3 year relationship, especially with abuse involved. THEN you still talked to him. Abuse makes people go back sometimes. That's what I was getting at. Everything does happen for a reason, but that reason is usually to teach you a lesson in life IMO. There's really not much you can do besides go NC and heal. Don't jump into another realtionship again either. It's not healthy. Wait until you are strong enough again on your own two feet.

[Pamela Ju]

Thanks for the advice. I understand what you mean! However, it was not me contacting my ex. He was contacting me and the new guy had simply asked me not to pick up his calls. As for my ex, I no longer speak to him. It just sucks I had to lose a great guy to make me realize that I should have not answered his calls from the start. I have written my recent "new ex" many letters and he seems to still be very hurt by my actions. He tells me I deserve better anyway, and that he wouldn't have been able to provide love due to his insecurity and commitment issues. I am not sure why he has told me this, however what I can say is that he seems very sure about his decision to leave me and doubt he will ever go back on his word...

[Pamela Ju]

I guess the abuse thing is right...he is very manipulative and perhaps I fell into his conniving ways again. I have no choice but to heal as you say, so I guess I will go NC until I am ready to meet someone else. It just feels like that day will never come and that I sabotaged my relationship because I didn't feel I deserved to be happy. There are many underlying issues that have caused me to behave the way I did and I think I need to work on these problems to avoid the same demise in my next relationship. I appreciate the advice, feeling much better.

[Pamela Ju]

Ps: The break up only occurred a couple of months after the call, hence my feelings of confusion. A lot of unanswered questions remain!

[endy]

I guess the abuse thing is right...he is very manipulative and perhaps I fell into his conniving ways again. I have no choice but to heal as you say, so I guess I will go NC until I am ready to meet someone else. It just feels like that day will never come and that I sabotaged my relationship because I didn't feel I deserved to be happy. There are many underlying issues that have caused me to behave the way I did and I think I need to work on these problems to avoid the same demise in my next relationship. I appreciate the advice, feeling much better.

 

Well the fact that he says he has insecurity issues and commitment issues is a red flag for the new guy as well. You're attracting these men. You want to get to a place where you are happy loving yourself and only NEED yourself. That way you'll attract the same. I don't think you sabotaged the relationship. You didn't contact the former ex, but you did respond to contact. What I'm saying is basically you were or may have been in a rebound with new ex, and were responding to old ex. Not good because only bad things can come from it.

 

Either way you've got a black tunnel in front of you, at the end is a light. When you get there you'll be ready again. Take your time to heal and work through your feelings. Positive and negative. You might want to get the book Getting past your breakup. It will help you take an inventory of your past relationships and fix yourself

 

Good luck healing hun.

[beachbum642]

Well he might have his own issues that he needs to work on esp if he is saying things about his insecurities and commitment issues. I think he needs time to figure out his own problems and work on fixing them before he can give all of himself to you. I think for right now you should go on and do things to make yourself happy. Maybe he will eventually come back and he might be ready but until that time comes you cant force it. Good luck with everything.

[Mephisto13]

Look where "nice" got you? You let an old ex break you up!!

 

An ex who let you chase him for 1.5 years while he slept around, and got jealous when you started seeing someone that he "tried to get back together with you"? Yet, you couldn't tell him to stop contacting you...and so you lost your current boyfriend.

 

Why do I have a feeling your old ex won't want to get back together with you now (if, let's say if you wanted to get back together with him)?

 

You've been manipulated. Pure and simple.

 

Learn to recognize it so that it doesn't happen to you again. It cost you this relationship....learn from it.

 

I hope you're not talking to your old ex.

 

Coincidently, I don't think you'll get back together with the new ex. You disrespected his wishes, betrayed his trust (and he even told you about his insecurities!!)...

 

Sorry to say, live and learn. It might not look like it now, but you'll be better for it in the future.

 

But for the love of all that's holy, don't talk to the old ex anymore. He's an resentful * * * * * * * of a "child" who'll make sure you'll never be happy again. You hurt him, he wants to hurt you back. Unless you like that, drop him and never contact him again. He's a cancer in your life.

[Pamela Ju]

Thanks. I hope to see the light very soon!

[Pamela Ju]

Well he might have his own issues that he needs to work on esp if he is saying things about his insecurities and commitment issues. I think he needs time to figure out his own problems and work on fixing them before he can give all of himself to you. I think for right now you should go on and do things to make yourself happy. Maybe he will eventually come back and he might be ready but until that time comes you cant force it. Good luck with everything.

 

Thanks for the advice! Appreciate it.

[Pamela Ju]

You're absolutely right, I was indeed manipulated. I am too much of a weak person to just shut people out of my life, but I learnt my lesson and have completely stopped talking to him. My ex did act as a cancer. He was the one who initially left me and when he saw that I was happy he could not accept it. I had told him to stop contacting me several times, and he still continued to do so which means he has no respect for me. You're right about my recent ex, I think the damage is done and that I must move on. I've tried talking to him about rebuilding trust but he says I had several opportunities to redeem myself and he is right for leaving me. I just fear I will end up alone or that this guy was my "soul mate" and that I permanently ruined for myself...because the worst part is I had no intentions of getting back with my ex and my bf knew that. I should have simply changed my phone number

[Pamela Ju]

This is extra info but I recently saw my "new ex" and we spoke for a while, but he pretty much said he doesn't want to force something he doesn't feel is right, that's how I know it's doomed. He then asked me to go over and I did and one thing led to the other - you can imagine what happened next. I had wanted to leave because I felt super trashy, but he told me to lie down with him for a bit. People are telling me he is "playing" me for sex, however I feel like he just missed me. Besides, just because an ex wants to have sex with an old flame doesn't make him an * * * * * * * , right? I just don't get why he'd propose such a thing considering he knows how vulnerable I am at the moment...

[Pamela Ju]

And we were together for a year and a half :S

[endy]

Ok, don't let him walk all over you either. Have boundaries. Sex with the ex happens, but don't make it a habit. You still need to move on, and the only way that is going to happen is NC. Read the guide in my signature. The PDF.

[Pamela Ju]

Does this mean there is a chance he will come back?