Should I be worried that him and ex are close friends?

[athena3]

Hi all,

 

I've been dating a guy for a bit more than a month now, and he's been a total sweetheart to me. He's been consistent with making plans, texting, calling, and matching his words with his actions. We clicked on our first date, and ever since...he makes me laugh and I enjoy our time together. I think he is really into me, as he sends me long texts and calls every day just to talk. He tries to get together with me whenever he can, and he drives over an hour to pick me up as we live a bit far apart. He also recently asked me to come with him to a wedding in early September, and booked a trip to Cuba for September too. Things are going great so far, except I am worried about the ex situation. I came out of a bad relationship 4 months ago, where I found out my ex cheated on me, so I'm not even sure if it's just my personal insecurities coming into play here.

 

He's a pretty candid person, and after our first few dates, he told me that him and his ex of 4 yrs broke up a year ago, and that they are good friends now, and she was/is an important part of his life. While I like that he can still be on good terms with exes (i.e. there was mutual respect between them), I generally cut off all ties with my exes because that is what makes me more comfortable. Anyway, on our most recent date, he casually dropped it in that his auto shop is right next door to his ex's hair salon. While they were together, I guess they decided to set up shop right next to each other. I felt really weird when I heard this, and told him so...and he assured me that nothing was going on with his ex, and that he knows it's weird, but practically speaking, it's better for both of them to have their businesses stay put. He also said I can ask him anything and he'll be honest with me...and that he really really likes me...

 

I'm not sure how to process the what he's told me, but I just don't want to invest in a relationship that will more likely than not become messy down the line because of an ex situation. I read everywhere about how 'being friends with an ex' is a red flag...I tried to put down my situation in an unbiased manner, and I'd like to hear your opinions on what you think of the whole situation, whether my worries are valid or not.

 

Thanks!

[Sambuca]

Being friends with an ex is a HUGE red flag. You need to establish exactly what the nature of his relationship with her is. If he's merely remaining on good terms with her because she works next door, and is being civil but not actually seeking her company, then that's ok. But if he's actively pursuing friendship with her and/or spending time with her as friends outside of work, you should dump him and run away as fast as your legs can carry you.

 

There is absolutely no reason for him to remain friends with her. There IS a reason for him to remain on good terms with her, and to be civil if they need to interact for business reasons, but there's no reason for him to actually spend time with her. If he's still spending time with her, they still have some emotional involvement and the relationship isn't over, which means he's not free to move on to a relationship with you.

 

In the long run, exes are more drama than they're worth. Exes only lead to jealousy, discomfort and conflict in the new relationship. In my experience it's usually better to pass on the guys whose exes are still hanging around, and find someone else whose previous relationships are properly over and who is no longer emotionally involved with their ex.

[DylanNotorious]

I think no matter what, this has planted seeds of doubt in your mind forever.

 

What I'm trying to say is this, everything is going great between the two of you. But what happens down the track after the honeymoon phase wears off (as it tends to do) would you be thinking he's up to no good with his ex. Would you always have that thought in the back of your mind. Because you have it now. And I really don't think it's going to go away anytime soon.

 

So you will have to trust his words and as you said, his actions back him up. So proceed as normal, but try not to think about his ex too much. It will drive you nuts.

[athena3]

Thanks for the replies...Sambuca: I agree...I will have to find out the nature of their relationship, I didn't ask too many questions, I just know that they are still 'close' now...I didn't like that he wasn't forthright about working right beside his ex...and just mentioned it casually as if hoping I would treat that piece of information casually as well. I totally agree with you, I definitely don't want to deal with any ex drama, and if I already see it becoming a potential problem now, just a month in, I wonder how bad it will be later on...

 

Dylan: Hehe, I'm not sure I am even in the honeymoon phase, I'm a lot more wary this time around in dating ...mostly because I feel my ex pulled a fast one on me in the honeymoon phase, only to show his true nature after I had fallen for him. And yes, I don't like having this doubt, and I don't care for having this doubt linger in my mind for a long time...I don't know if I created this doubt though, or if it's founded on real issues.

 

My friend was trying to be the devil's advocate, and said that they wouldn't throw away 4 years of a relationship for nothing, i.e. they broke up for reasons that will stick. I'm not sure I agree with her, but I saw her point too.

[nutbrownhare]

If he broke up with her a year ago, and has remained broken up, the chances are that he has moved beyond her. I've been in the situation where I've had the choice of staying friendly with an ex, or losing a huge swathe of a social scene (which would also help me get over the ex). But there's no way I'd have been up to anything with him.

 

The fact that their businesses are next door to each other has probably been a driving factor in them staying friendly, as it would be very awkward otherwise.

 

My partner and I have been together for a year; he was engaged to someone before we got together, and I was pretty paranoid about his ex, as there hadn't been much of a gap between us. He claimed that he had checked out of the relationship emotionally about a year before that, and that she was no threat. He is still very fond of her, respects her and is concerned for her welfare but, as he put it, they had stopped being lovers a long time before. I also told him I was worried about being a rebound, and he denied this utterly.

 

As time went on, it became increasingly apparent that he was speaking the truth.

 

In your particular case, I can understand why you'd be jittery because of your previous partner, and only you can decide whether or not you feel too anxious to continue this relationship. However... there hasn't actually been any ex drama, has there? It could be that they have both been at a bit of a loss because they were both single, and have remained in contact out of habit. It could be that she just isn't a dramatic person, and will probably melt away when she meets someone new.

 

If you like this guy, hang on in there. Just keep your eyes wide open - time will tell if there's anything really to worry about. Sure, you risk getting hurt. But if you leave this relationship - which sounds great fun and very healthy at the moment - you will CERTAINLY feel hurt.

[LaKings55]

Trust me, from my experience, any contact with an EX his a big red-flag, unless they have children together.

[Sambuca]

My friend was trying to be the devil's advocate, and said that they wouldn't throw away 4 years of a relationship for nothing, i.e. they broke up for reasons that will stick.

 

On the contrary: if two people have been together for that long, their lives were pretty entangled and there's a good chance that there are still feelings of some sort between them - especially if they're still close. The breakup obviously wasn't so bad that they felt the need to cut contact. Tread with caution - an overly close relationship between exes is generally a sign that their relationship isn't totally over. Even if they have no physical involvement, there still seems to be a pretty close emotional involvement between them.

 

My concern is why he felt the need to mention his ex while out on a date with you - especially so soon in the relationship?! If their relationship was totally over, it wouldn't even occur to him to mention her; she wouldn't feature in his thoughts at all. The fact that he made particular mention of his special "close" relationship with her doesn't bode well. If she's just a friend, why did he mention her specifically and not all of his other friends? A person who was totally over his ex wouldn't mention her at all.

[Miss Firecracker]

You should have asked him what "good friend" means...EXACTLY.

[The Archer]

You may well be right with this line of thinking but it’s also possible that he mentioned his ex because he thought his relationship with her might be concerning to his current partner/anthena.

 

If there is anything about my way of life / actions / thoughts etc that I think may jeopardise a current relationship I make a point of making sure my partner knows the status-quo so she can make informed choices.

 

OP I have never been in your position and I wouldn’t like to guess as to his intensions towards his ex. However the doubt your feeling right now will very likely pass with enough time if everything is above board.

The concern is that he is still emotionally involved with his ex in a way that takes something from your potential/current relationship with this guy. Even he might not know if this is the case.

Keeping in mind we are not always totally aware of how we feel.

[Survictor]

I don't see all that much wrong with remaining friends with your ex. I have a couple of exes that I am friendly with. I email them, chat on the phone sometimes and see them if we are in the same area at the same time. I share this with my husband because I have nothing to hide. Could this not be the same for your boyfriend too? Why not meet the ex and make friends with her? Hopefully, you will know for sure if you have grounds for your fears or not.

[Stay_home]

I hate to say that it's a flag, but it kinda is...

 

Your one month vs. Four years of a relationship now turned friendship (really good friends as he would say). Both stores next to each other. It's a flag, because you know they're still talking with work being literally "next door" to each other. I'm just not feeling too good about this, OP. Something just doesn't feel right about all of this.

[Flyingpiglet]

I don't see all that much wrong with remaining friends with your ex. I have a couple of exes that I am friendly with. I email them, chat on the phone sometimes and see them if we are in the same area at the same time. I share this with my husband because I have nothing to hide. Could this not be the same for your boyfriend too? Why not meet the ex and make friends with her? Hopefully, you will know for sure if you have grounds for your fears or not.

 

Just along the same lines as I was about to type

 

If the relationship is to progress then you would hope the his friends will become your friends and visa versa.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine and healthy as long as she is a true friend to him -meaning supportive of his efforts to meet someone else - and, when you start meeting his good friends she should be one of the people he wants you to meet. Is she dating anyone now? I don't think you should ask him what he means by "good friend" -take it at face value - otherwise he will feel unfairly confronted by someone he's only been dating a very short time.

[RitaTrue]

Is she dating anyone now? I don't think you should ask him what he means by "good friend" -take it at face value - otherwise he will feel unfairly confronted by someone he's only been dating a very short time.

 

 

I disagree. This is a good question. "Good friends" can mean anything, anything from platonic friends only, which I highly doubt, given the circumstances--- to f--- buddies. She deserves to know the difference before she invests more down the line.

 

Someone mentioned finding out how supportive she is of him, finding someone new. That's a thought. My thought is: You'll find out soonenough, either by watching her body language when you meet face to face. Or, in seeing her actions later.

[LazyDaisy]

My brother is best friends with an ex girlfriend. They were together for at least 5 years. They talk every day and spend lots of time together. There is absolutely nothing going on with them. So yes, it is possible for ex's to be just friends. Have you met her? Does he bring you around her? If he does then I don't see a problem. Why do you have to cut ties with ex's? Sometimes people just aren't compatible in a relationship but can get along very well as friends.

[Batya33]

I disagree. This is a good question. "Good friends" can mean anything, anything from platonic friends only, which I highly doubt, given the circumstances--- to f--- buddies. She deserves to know the difference before she invests more down the line.

 

Someone mentioned finding out how supportive she is of him, finding someone new. That's a thought. My thought is: You'll find out soonenough, either by watching her body language when you meet face to face. Or, in seeing her actions later.

 

I'd be offended if someone I was exclusively dating questioned my definition of "good friend". If I promised to be exclusive -not to date anyone else - then I would deserve the other person's respect if I said I had a good friend who I used to be involved with. Either that person would trust me or not. If she asks him that then he should ask her about every good friend she has whether it means that they have sex (whether male or female). It is also such a turn off when someone is that insecure that they would question what the words "good friend" means especially in the first month of dating.

[RitaTrue]

I'd be offended if someone I was exclusively dating questioned my definition of "good friend". If I promised to be exclusive -not to date anyone else - then I would deserve the other person's respect if I said I had a good friend who I used to be involved with. Either that person would trust me or not. If she asks him that then he should ask her about every good friend she has whether it means that they have sex (whether male or female). It is also such a turn off when someone is that insecure that they would question what the words "good friend" means especially in the first month of dating.

 

If you're being up front with the person you're with, then you should have no reason to be offended. It's not like she'd be barking your house down, she'd just be asking for GP.

 

And second, it's a whole different ball game between regular platonic friends, and a ex-girlfriend you spent 4 years of your life that you haven't even NC'ed out of your life. If there's no NC, or even limited contact--then there's STILL some sort of an unspoken relationship going. Period. Or, one of them would try to move with their life.

 

I'm not saying she should do a federal background check on his life. But, frankly, since the relationship is just starting, she needs to know if this budding relationship is what she wants, after the pink tinted glasses fade.

[banal]

On the contrary: if two people have been together for that long, their lives were pretty entangled and there's a good chance that there are still feelings of some sort between them - especially if they're still close. The breakup obviously wasn't so bad that they felt the need to cut contact. Tread with caution - an overly close relationship between exes is generally a sign that their relationship isn't totally over. Even if they have no physical involvement, there still seems to be a pretty close emotional involvement between them.

 

Right, and because the breakup wasn't so bad it's more likely that the boyfriend and his ex are platonic friends now. It sounds mutual. When it's not mutual, or when there are hard feelings, then you have problems, because one of the parties is scheming to get back with the other.

 

My concern is why he felt the need to mention his ex while out on a date with you - especially so soon in the relationship?! If their relationship was totally over, it wouldn't even occur to him to mention her; she wouldn't feature in his thoughts at all. The fact that he made particular mention of his special "close" relationship with her doesn't bode well. If she's just a friend, why did he mention her specifically and not all of his other friends? A person who was totally over his ex wouldn't mention her at all.

 

Because he wanted to be upfront with his new date, right from the beginning.

 

Until you see otherwise, OP, this is not a big deal. Some people - like me - part amicably from their exes and can remain friends. Even with my last ex, who dumped me out of nowhere, I would already be able to befriend her without any romantic connection. I don't live in a soap opera where I'm sleeping around with all of my ex-girlfriends behind everyone's back. I meet them for lunch, sometimes for dinner, and sometimes, yeah, we'll even hang out. And there's NOTHING going on and hasn't been for years.

[bulletproof]

I see nothing wrong with them remaining friends. The best thing to do right now is to meet her as soon as possible, and hopefully have a friendship with her as well. Maybe it's something that occurs more frequently as people get older, but most of my friends remain on good terms with their exes. Some are even best friends with their exes. It doesn't necessarily mean anything bad is going on.

[Sambuca]

You may well be right with this line of thinking but it’s also possible that he mentioned his ex because he thought his relationship with her might be concerning to his current partner/anthena.

 

I don't tell every new boyfriend: "Oh by the way, I see my ex occasionally since he runs this music night that I sometimes go to, but we're just friends. Oh, and I also bump into my other ex occasionally because I'm friends with his sister, but it's strictly platonic nowadays. Oh, and my other ex works for my company, so we cross paths occasionally in the restaurant or at the staff Christmas party, but we're just friends". I don't mention those things because they're completely irrelevant and those guys mean nothing to me. I'm on good terms with them because, for one reason or another, I can't avoid seeing them occasionally. But they're not my best buddies, I don't go out for dinner with them or invite them to parties or anything. The only reason I'd mention it is if one of those guys was significant in some way. The fact that he mentioned this ex proves that she is significant to him.

 

He probably sees her quite a lot, is close with her, hangs out with her, etc. I would find it completely unacceptable if my boyfriend maintained an emotional involvement with an ex; it's totally inappropriate. Being on good terms with an ex if your paths happen to cross is one thing, but being best buddies and spending time alone with them is entirely another.

 

If he mentioned his relationship with his ex because he thought it might concern his current partner - well why is he maintaining a relationship that would concern his girlfriend? His loyalty should be to his current relationship, and his priority should be making his girlfriend happy and secure; he should end any relationship which might concern her. The fact that he maintains a relationship with his ex even though it upsets his girlfriend just proves that his loyalty lies with the ex, not with the girlfriend.

 

Why not meet the ex and make friends with her?

See, I would find this to be totally out of the question. I'm not going to make friends with my boyfriends ex and have her sharing personal memories with him in front of me, telling stories about stuff that happened to them both when they were dating, calling him pet names, and having an obvious closeness that platonic friends would never have. I'm not going to watch them chatting and smiling, and imagine him kissing her, being in bed with her - it's upsetting and quite frankly disrespectful to expect me to associate with her. The only woman my boyfriend should be emotionally involved with is me; exes need to be firmly in his past, not sitting on his sofa pretending to be my friend.

[FathomFear]

There is absolutely no reason for him to remain friends with her. There IS a reason for him to remain on good terms with her, and to be civil if they need to interact for business reasons, but there's no reason for him to actually spend time with her. If he's still spending time with her, they still have some emotional involvement and the relationship isn't over, which means he's not free to move on to a relationship with you.

 

Or they could be spending time together because they actually do function well as friends, but just didn't work romantically for whatever reason. While I would agree that this is often a red flag I wouldn't try to paint it as some sort of universal rule.

 

In my view this ultimately comes down to trust. If the OP doesn't trust him to keep his activity with his ex simply on the friend level, then she should probably check out. If she does trust him then she has nothing to worry about.

[MakeItCount]

I'm honestly more concerned as to how fast you're both moving. Booking a vacation after only a month of dating? That screams infatuation to me. I save things like that after you've dated for a few more months. Maybe that's just me.

[Sambuca]

Or they could be spending time together because they actually do function well as friends, but just didn't work romantically for whatever reason.

 

Whether they function well as friends is irrelevant. It's too late to be just friends; they already had a close relationship, so any subsequent friendship would be inappropriately close. He should be willing to ditch the ex's overly close friendship in order to keep his girlfriend happy; his girlfriend should be his priority. He obviously already knows that his friendship with his ex is inappropriately close and his girlfriend will be concerned, because if he didn't know that he wouldn't have mentioned it.

 

I'm not saying that being friends with an ex should be off limits for everyone - some people choose to be friends with exes and both partners are happy with that. I'm just saying that it's perfectly normal if you're not ok with your boyfriend hanging out with his ex - I'm one of those people who is definitely not ok with it. It's up to the OP to decide which side of the fence she's on. There's no shame in admitting that it makes you uncomfortable to have your boyfriend's ex hanging around, and you're within your rights to refuse to date someone who maintains contact with his ex (I'm one of those people - contact with an ex is an instant deal breaker, and I've never had a shortage of suitors who have no contact with their exes).

[athena3]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the thoughtful responses, they've hit on a lot of the things that have been going on in my mind...

 

Makeitcount: I really agree...I have a problem saying no to things, and he's been the one pushing our relationship forward quickly. I'm not sure I'm comfortable going to his friend's wedding or going on a trip with him, because I know that this all feels like it's going too fast. I've told him before that I'd like to take things slow, and it doesn't seem like he heard me, though he agreed at the time. I think maybe vacations aren't a big deal to him? ...he seems to go on vacations with a lot of friends (some of which are girls) based on his fb.

 

A few of you also mentioned that he wouldn't bring up his friendship with his ex unless it was significant, and I would agree. He said that they worked far better as friends, and that's why they are friends now. He mentioned that she is a good friend of his, and probably will be for a very long time...that struck me as odd, the way he added in 'for a very long time'.

 

A couple of you also mentioned that it all boils down to trust, whether I think I can trust him or not. He seems like a genuinely nice and sweet guy, with a good and kind heart...but my ex seemed that way in the beginning too. So I don't think after just a month, I can take a leap of faith and put my trust in him completely.

 

I think your suggestions to meet with his ex and befriend her are good, but again, I just feel like this is all unnecessary drama for me....why do I have to meet one of his friends to evaluate how much of a threat she is to the relationship? Anyway, I guess I am one of those people who are uncomfortable with having a bf's ex around...I feel like he should have told me from the beginning that he's so close to his ex that he works right beside her...I feel almost like I was lied to, and right now, I prefer not to have to deal with trust issues with another guy.

[Ariel85]

This one is tough. Yes, I am "friendly" with many ex's, but I don't hang out with them or consider them "good friends." They are guys I may get a text from or email once in a while or perhaps dinner once every few years if we're in the same city, but they don't maintain an ongoing physical presence in my life.

 

This guy, although he sounds very into you, also sounds equally into preserving his relationship with her. I think when a couple has such a long history, there is such a comfort level there, that as soon as things go wrong, they easily will lean on each other over others, because the understanding is so strong. I always feel that even though I have no interest in being with an ex, if I was feeling sufficiently vulernable, I could easily see a line being crossed.