I need friends.

[mint_tea]

In a nutshell, I need friends. Well, first I need the ability to make friends.

 

I'll give you my sob story:

 

When I was a little girl, around 8, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition that caused me to become wheelchair and bed-ridden. I was friends with everyone in my class, as there were only 30 of us. But when I got sick, they all vanished. They spread rumors about me, saying I was faking it. They were cruel to my face and behind my back. Teachers did the same thing. This perpetuated all throughout elementary school. I was home schooled for most of the time, which didn't help my socialization skills. Everyone said before I get sick, fun and bubbly. My parents said the light in my eyes went out when I got sick.

 

I went to a high school that most of my elementary classmates went to. They carried the lies about me to high school and once again I made no friends because of the insecurity I felt from elementary school. I was often home schooled because I was still sick.

 

In college I struggled again. This time I had an eating disorder and an emotionally manipulative boyfriend to contend with. Making friends was terrifying and I resigned myself to going it alone. I had a little more luck with meeting people, as I was active in on-campus organizations. I made friends with one girl who was transferring in. But once she got acclimated, she ditched me and eventually fell off the face of the earth. This happened another time with another girl who transferred in - once she found a group, she ditched me. I tried so freaking hard to make these girls feel welcome, because that's all I ever wanted, and that's the thanks I get?

 

Social situations TERRIFY me. I avoid them more as I get older (I'm 22). Therapy isn't an option, though I'm sure I could use it. I'm awkward and I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm afraid that the next cool person I meet will ditch me in time, just like the rest. I have abandonment issues, and I've noticed them both in friendships and relationships. I'm also positive that I have no redeeming qualities - that's probably why my new friends head for the hills after a short period of time. Yeah, I'm sweet and nice, but after a while that has to get annoying. I don't have a personality to back it up. I also think I sabotage friendships before they even begin. I have one best friend that I've been close with for 20 years, but she lives far away and we don't keep in touch as much as we should. But when we do get together, it's like it was yesterday that we last saw each other. There's 3 girls in our group that I'm friends with, but I'm hardly around because of school. I text them and facebook them to keep things going but it's like I'm out of sight, out of mind. I never hear from them first. As a result, I stop contacting them until I'm home on break.

 

In 2 weeks, I'm starting my masters and I'm determined not to leave college without at least one new friend. Next May, I'll be moving in with my new (much sweeter, more understanding) boyfriend. I'll be even further away from my group of 4 friends. I need to make more friends for the sake of our relationship, too. But I'm so afraid to reach out there and be met with disappointment. Then again, I KNOW not all people are going to abandon me, so why can't I just shake the feeling?

[Hollyj]

Why won't you seek therapy? Are you suffering from depression?

 

I'm sorry for how others have treated you. It is really awful and inexcusable! But, you have a choice, you can live an isolated life, or you can seek options that can improve it.

 

Your letter shows that you lack self-esteem and do not value yourself, you come accross very negatively and this is pushing people away. No one wants to be around someone who is always putting themselves down.

 

Everyone has redeeming qualities, and you need to focus on them. What are your interests. Another thing I would suggest is volunteer work. Not only are you contributing but, meeting like-minded people.

 

It's up to you to make your own happiness. Yes, you have had an unfair start but, you can make the changes!!!

[sidehop]

And you're getting your Masters. I'm sorry but someone who is kind and intelligent is not something to blow off easily. Don't think you need to make people laugh, have interesting thing to say or be part of anything. Friends do come and go especially as you get older but don't abandon something that's important to you.

 

I agree that you really should seek out counseling and have them help you. There's nothing wrong with getting help. We all need it at one point in our life if not as a checkup from time to time to make sure you're steering your life in the right direction. I've been through counseling, I know others have who are successful with happy marriage. It's not just for people who think they need help because of their own personal reason.

 

In getting to know people though; don't put too much expectation nor question every single person. There will always be people that won't really bother with you, some may like you as an acquaintance and others that will become your true friends. Do it for yourself though, not for your b/f or anyone else. Just go with the flow and don't expect anything. It could be that you simply need to associate and network with more people before seeking friendship. Build up your confidence in people that you know you can trust.

[mint_tea]

I can't get therapy for a couple reasons. First, there's the money issue. I'm supporting myself and I can't add a therapist to the mix. I simply can't. And, my future career (for which I'm getting my masters) requires a squeaky clean psychological history. I already went to therapy for the eating disorder, so I'm trying to avoid therapy at all costs.

 

I am open to other forms of help though. Any books you might recommend?

[Hollyj]

There must be some free resource for counseling?

[mint_tea]

I can't do it for the reason I stated above. I don't feel that I'm depressed. Thanks though.