Women and porn.

[coldplay.]

For all those that had been keeping up on my other thread, my sex drive is back... as mysteriously as it had left me. One of the biggest things i noticed when it left was the absense of desire, to do with anything, my gf, porn, women, anything in general.

 

But my question is how to deal with this situation, my gf has always told me she has no problem with porn, as long as its not on her computer, she was so violently opposed to it i could never understand why, and she refused to explain it to me. So i finally get m sex drive back after MONTHS MONTHS of nothing, weve been having sex for maybe a week now, so i decided to test how much back into it i am and watch some porn to see if im stimulated, needless to say i was. And unfortunately she finds out about it. Now shes pissed at me, but it starts to slip out that its more than just her computer thing, she goes on a tiraid about how she doesnt look at naked pictures of men why should i be able to? ect. I dont have a personal computer at the moment, and consider this something private to me, this had nothing to do with her or her wishes it was personal. I dont know how to comfort her, and get her to stop being rediculous...

 

inb4 men are pigs

[bichin]

I think maybe her nose is out of joint because it seems like you completely disregarded her wishes both spoken and unspoken. The way you use her computer was spoken, and the way you use "other women" instead of her was unspoken.

[tazunemono]

If she doesn't watch porn, that's her decision...if you want to watch porn, that's your decision.

 

HOWEVER

 

If you can't respect her desires for you to not watch porn, then you have a problem. What to do about it?

 

1. convince her it's Ok to watch porn

 

2. give up the porn

 

Is there any middle ground? It's up to you both to decide. Maybe you should go to counseling so she knows that it's a perfectly normal thing for men and women to do (watch porn).

[OptomisticGirl]

Perhaps not call her desires ridiculous? I have no problem with porn bu5 many women do.

[coldplay.]

what about he fact that this was something i needed for myself, she is being unreasonable with her anger, our relation is very very good, its not like i masturbate to avoid her andddd the fact the last time we revisted this she was watching it with me.....

[HeartGoesOn]

I have no problem with a man watching porn, however if it was on my computer, I would have a problem with that. I'm sure you'll survive until you can get your own computer.

[FathomFear]

I think her position would be reasonable if you didn't like her watching porn, but assuming that's not the case I think she's being immature. Have you tried to sit down and have a rational conversation about this? Do any minors use her computer which might be an underlying concern?

[coldplay.]

I agree with you about getting the new computer, and she recently had fully graphic pictures of us sitting in plain sight on her computer, which she put there. I called her on the double standard and she blew it off as "giving me an alternative" i cant respect her position if she contradicts it.

[bichin]

If you feel entitled to viewing other women to get off there's nothing wrong with that, however, she is just as entitled to a bf who wants her more than he wants to see them. Simple incompatibility really.

[coldplay.]

Oh if it were only about that, it had nothing to do with wanting other women, i love her, she is gorgeous and attractive body and soul, i simply wanted to see if it turned me on anymore!

[FathomFear]

If you feel entitled to viewing other women to get off there's nothing wrong with that, however, she is just as entitled to a bf who wants her more than he wants to see them. Simple incompatibility really.

 

Sure, and she's entitled to want a boyfriend who believes alien zucchinis are going to attack at any moment from a distant galaxy. That doesn't make it a reasonable position to have though.

[bichin]

I guess she sees experimenting and testing the same as doing.

[bichin]

Sure, and she's entitled to want a boyfriend who believes alien zucchinis are going to attack at any moment from a distant galaxy. That doesn't make it a reasonable position to have though.

 

Incompatibilities are a matter for prioritizing and negotiation. Sometimes an agreement can be reached and sometimes it can't. That's life.

[coldplay.]

Sure, and she's entitled to want a boyfriend who believes alien zucchinis are going to attack at any moment from a distant galaxy. That doesn't make it a reasonable position to have though.

 

i guess thats kind of how i feel, that her position is unreasonable, and im trying to find a new way to respect that and move past it

[OptomisticGirl]

what about he fact that this was something i needed for myself, she is being unreasonable with her anger, our relation is very very good, its not like i masturbate to avoid her andddd the fact the last time we revisted this she was watching it with me.....

 

She is being unreasonable because it's something you want. She has a right to not like it as you have a right too like it.

[Kitkat973]

I think it's reasonable for her to not want pornography on her computer. It can easily lead to viruses, and on a deeper level a computer can be a very personal thing.

 

She also told you directly that she wasn't comfortable with you using her computer for it.

 

With that said, it sounds like when she confronted you about it, the issues went deeper than that. It sounds like there's a part of her that associates watching pornography with cheating.

[Deciduous]

Hello Coldplay,

 

On the issue of her computer I think that she has the "right" of way on this one. It's her computer. An apology wouldn't go amiss.

 

On the broader issue of looking at porn;

Can I refer you to a thread of a few weeks ago. A girl who was extremely annoyed that her boyfriend was masterbating to porn. My reply to your girlfriend would be pretty much the reply I gave her.

 

 

[bichin]

In all my relationships since the beginning I have found there to be an inversely proportional relationship between romance and porn. It seems like it's a matter of thinking of the other person vs. thinking of oneself.

[Day_Walker]

well I think that she can be upset that you used her computer to look at porn because it is hers so she can limit what she wants on it. Her stance on porn is not logical, because she doesnt do something then you cant do it. That line of thinking is absurd, I think that you need to take a stand, and tell her that porn has nothing to do with her, its something that you do in private. Therefore it isnt her concern UNLESS something drastic happens as a result of porn like you stop having sex with her and just watch porn instead.

[greywolf]

I'd be pretty upset too if I asked you not to do something on my computer which I was nice enough to let you use in the first place, and then disrespected me by not listening.

[NightLily]

greywolf already beat me to it.

 

If you want to watch porn get your own computer. Problem solved.

[90_hour_sleep]

what about he fact that this was something i needed for myself, she is being unreasonable with her anger, our relation is very very good, its not like i masturbate to avoid her andddd the fact the last time we revisted this she was watching it with me.....

 

anger is never unreasonable. from the perspective of the one who is angry, it always makes complete sense.

 

was there a conversation that stated explicitly that this was something personal for you...something that you needed for yourself? she might not like it...but if she understands where you're coming from, she may be able to open herself to a bit of tolerence.

 

understanding is a wonderful thing.

[Pinnacle]

I just want to point out there that a computer isn't necessary. There are magazines, DVD's, etc. Alternative methods may involve more money but the thing is you have other choices in order to test your sex drive. That alone makes me side with your woman. A lot of websites out there have viruses and malware and though those may not be her reasons for such opposition it is still something to consider.

 

But dude, you have a girlfriend. You seriously have a much, much, much, much, much, much, much, better/the best way to get off. I think it would be much more enjoyable if you experimented your sex drive with your woman rather than by yourself. Sex drives have an ebb and flow so really you shouldn't be using porn to test yourself. It can be mentally destructive.

[Unknown1607307972]

I have no issue with my boyfriend looking at porn, it's just a visual aid for masturbation, I would find it a bit awkward if he was using my computer for this though and it's hard to explain why. There are other ways to get access to porn even without a computer, what did people do before the internet?

 

I think she has a right to be annoyed about the computer as you broke her one request. The watching porn in general issue is another thing though, many women share her view and you need to discuss it with her gently. If porn is just a visual aid for masturbation when she's unavailable or not in the mood for sex then it's harmless, as long as you aren't obsessing over a specific porn star, letting your real sex life die over it, picturing these porn stars every time you have sex, then I don't see the issue.

[Deciduous]

But dude, you have a girlfriend. You seriously have a much, much, much, much, much, much, much, better/the best way to get off. I think it would be much more enjoyable if you experimented your sex drive with your woman rather than by yourself. Sex drives have an ebb and flow so really you shouldn't be using porn to test yourself. It can be mentally destructive.

 

Highly disagree.

 

"Mentally destructive?" Are you suggesting if a man wakes up with a hard-on he shouldn't relieve it unless he is single? If he has a girlfriend he must refrain from touching his penis at all times? Only she is allowed to bring him to orgasm?

 

90% of women wouldn't know how to have an orgasm if they didn't experiment on their own. Presumably you'd prefer they remain in ignorance, rather than go through the shameful behaviour of touching their vagina.

 

I'm afraid I see masterbation as a run of the mill natural function. It's been known to bring down levels of stress and adrenaline in the blood stream. I'm not quite sure what your "Mentally destructive " line is referring to. Could you give me an example?

 

I see it as no more right or wrong than sneezing. There's an itch, you scratch it. Hang ups and sexual deviancy is frequently a product of people being told that they mustn't touch their bodies down there. It's naughty. It is this that has been proven to be "Mentally destructive" as any sex therapist will tell you.

 

The time for labelling masterbation, as something wrong or deviant has long since past - I would hope.