Feeling Strange...Accepting it...Dreading it...

[heartbroken84]

I feel odd. I want to sum this up as succintly as possible.

 

It's been nearly 5 months since the break up (I'm still in denial, I still hate to believe it-I never imagined to end up here again). I didn't see the break up coming. I thought I had more time with him.

 

Anyways, he with another woman, in a relationship, in love, happy. He has found a mate.

 

I have yet to find anyone. I'm trying. I have been on dating sites for 5 months and have not found anybody worth pursuing. I just can't find anyone even the least bit similiar to him. He was my type. Didn't drink much, the type who like sharing time with their partner-chilling on the weekends etc.

 

I am struggling...with it being over over over. At first I thought I could win him back. But now he has moved on. There is just no way anymore of reconcialition.

 

Yet the fantasy lives on in my mind. That somehow we can be together again. The truth is HE left. He wanted to leave because I was not right for him. There's no way we can be together now....and no way.

 

Since I have not found anyone like he has.....I yearn for him...and I miss what we had....

 

I am upset that he is just that person who can easily attract anyone and has a desirable personality, I mean who could say no to him.

 

I am sure I see wedding bells for him and this new gal. I mean once you find someone you click with online, its hard to walk away from that. He will be around this one, unless she leaves him.

 

In all his past relationships the girls have left him....I think I was the first he had dumped. I feel so lame.

[Thorshammer]

Do you suffer from lack of confidence before the relationship? You seem to put yourself down and put him way up.

 

You need to realize that hes not that perfect for you, if he was he wouldnt have left. I wont make assumptions, but he stopped sharing in what you saw in the relationship, you shouldnt want someone like that or hold on to someone like that for so long. Maybe shifting your perspective to the reality of what he became, the dumper, and not on what he was would help, because thats exactly all there is now. Remind yourself hes not that guy you knew, hes not, hes changed, hes not the one you thought loved you the same.

 

And dont worry about all the girls leaving him. All gfs left me too, and my ex also had her ex's leave her for other women and/or used her like an object, yet she dumped me like a sack of crap. I dont let it hit my ego, I look for negatives, or laugh knowing that someone else has to deal with her hot and cold streaks. I learned what i was doing wrong (needy, clingy, many negative traits that kill relatonships over time and is a common reason for breaking up. but the dumper never admits this reason (or know) instead claimg its "loss of attraction" or better yet "not as much in love as before"), and slowly it makes me eager for the next one. So, in other words, heal and use this as a learning experience. Dont stay stuck on "what if" or "what used to be" and focus on what is and what will be in your future.

[Deciduous]

Hi heartbroken84,

 

Surely you can see the problems of using the last 5 months as an opportunity to find some-one indentical to your boyfriend. Rebound relationships are rarely successful and usually interrupt the healing process, some-what anchoring you to a specific stage in your grief.

 

You haven't healed from your last relationship, but expect some-one to come in and do the work of healing you. I promise you he isn't out there. This has to come from you. You are still on the critical list and emotionally AWOL.

 

A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that will keep you from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of your break – up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with your life and takes you away from areas where you can begin to build an identity without your ex. Many people will jump back into the dating scene because they fear being alone. It’s a quick fix, one in which we can drown out our pain by reveling in the emotional intensity and passion of a new found love.

 

In the beginning yes, you thrive on the love and emotional support you receive, without having to give anything back. (Rebounders never have anything to give back, there in too much agony) Does this sound like a recipe for a nuturing and non toxic relationship? Expecting to have an emotionally happy and stable relationship at this point in your life is like asking a multiple stab victim to snap out of it, stop bleeding and start operating on other patients.

 

You might be temporary grateful to a partner for making you temporarily forget your broken heart - but you are still very vulnerable and very fragile. Not a great place to start a relationship from. Usually rebounders are emotionally intense and vulnerable. They swoop in at a 100 knots per minute, desperate for all sorts of emotional support. But at some point you or your partner runs out of steam. Unhealed issues come up for you. Your partner gets tired of being compared to the big ex and receiving no emotional support. They become drained. It all crashes and burns. The crash can be worse than the original wound, if your new partner really wasn't into you at all or wors still on the rebound himself. Like attracts like.

 

heartbroken84 - There are a hundred threads on the grieving process of loss. Continue your journey to get to place where you are fully recovered and healed. I know you in agony at the moment, but keep going.

 

Getting to know and understand the journey you are on will help you understand your emotions better and begin to see your way,

I hope the link below is of some use.

 

"Relationship Ending: The Five Stages of Loss"

; link removed

 

I really do wish you all the best. Good luck

 

Deci

[jerant03]

Heartbroken84, i feel your pain.

 

my ex left me about a month ago for bogus reasons after i discovered she tried to cheat on me with my best friend over the internet (with her looking like a dumba** since he wasnt ever interested in her) and im still going through the grieving process and the like, and i know that your in a lot of intense pain. it seems that you invested a lot into this relationship, but it doesnt look seem the same for him since hes already with another. so if hes over it, why shouldnt you be. right?

 

so heres what NOT to do:

 

A: look for a guy thats like him: believe it or not, you're trying to subconsciously "fix" the problems in the previous relationship in hopes that you'll prosper in the next one. thats only going to lead you to crashing and burning faster and harder than before. on top of that you need to try a whole assortment of guys. its like trying new foods. at first you thought italian food was the best food, but when you try chinese, you make chinese food your favorite.

 

B: look for someone, in general, while trying to get over your ex: like Deci said, you're heading for a rebound, which will lead to a harder fall. in addition, you will be focused with trying to get over him or what your new man does and doesnt do like your ex does. this is a lack of focus of the new relationship and thus will end for that exact reason. youll be back at square minus 1

 

C: do absolutely nothing: you got friends, i hope, so hang out with them! you need to not be alone by yourself so your thoughts dont race and ending at ex related topics. you need to get over him and move on, and friends can help you do just that.

 

D: drown your sorrow: misery loves company, but you cant bring the people around you down with you. they'll avoid you thinking that you're a downer and thats undesireable. you wont have close friends or a bf if you .

 

 

i hope this helpped a bit. PM me if you want to chat. i can probably help more ina PM.

[italiannmf24]

The reason you've been feeling this ways is due to the fact that you have him on a high horse that literally circles your mind.

 

Take a step back, look at the situation and then take a look at yourself. You're obviously not in the right state of mind because you keep on comparing guys that you meet online and anyone that may approach you to your ex-boyfriend. When a relationship ends, it's important to know that one or both parties are going to get hurt, and it's their reaction to that pain that decides where he or she may find themselves in a couple months/years.

 

You could be pinning for him all day long, day in and day out, but nothing is going to change (specifically towards you) if you keep this act up. Realizing that you don't need someone in your life to live is a great feeling that can easily be created if you understand how to approach it.

 

First of all, why do you care so much for this man if he's already with somebody else and has left you behind? Do you think it's a good idea to mentally keep waiting for him to complete your life? Do you think using this time to mourn and feel self-pity is really the best way of handling things? Nope, it's not.

 

Secondly, it's been 5 months since the break-up and you feel as though you’re still in denial, right? So is looking for a replacement for your ex-boyfriend the best way to go? Is trying to find a temporary replacement going to help you heal any quicker? Absolutely not, and if you think it will then that's your own choice.

 

I'm not trying to bash you in any way, shape or form, it's just that these things need to be sorted out before you can even think about moving forward. After a split (even if it was only a short relationship), the only way to fully understand and comprehend what is going to happen in your life is by gaining a clear perspective on the past and learning how to deal with it head on. It's nothing that happens overnight, nothing that can happen within days and nothing that is easy. It's the time you take to yourself to truly learn about you, your situation and how it should be rationally dealt with.

 

When you've just been pulled out of a relationship due to a break-up you need to understand that your decisions are fully influenced by your ex's actions and words. So, in order to make clear, correct decisions you need to remove contact from the ex, start cooping with the circumstances and learn how to live for yourself. Now, I'm not saying, "Never let anyone in! You'll only get hurt!” No, not at all. I'm just saying that it's essential to learn a lesson from the previous relationship in order to do better in a future one(s).

 

Take more time to yourself before you go after other guys, learn to be self-happy and self-efficient, and learn from the past.

 

Everything in between is up to you, and remember, it's never too late to accept the circumstances.

 

We're here for you. Stay strong.

 

Regards,

Italiannmf24’